


In My Head (Shane fanfiction)

by TheWhiteStripe



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Chaptered, Depression, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Romance, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 50,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25593649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWhiteStripe/pseuds/TheWhiteStripe
Summary: Shane has been stuck in a perpetual routine for years; wake up, go to work, drink beer, then arrive home shitfaced. He's given up on taking care of his goddaughter or making his aunt proud. He's too far gone to change his ways, right?So he thought, up until a mysterious woman just happens to appear at all of the right moments.So why does it seem he's the only one who's ever met her?
Relationships: Shane/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Original Character(s), Shane/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 166
Kudos: 151





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I decided to hop on the Shane fanfiction train because I had an idea I really liked. Please leave comments/criticism :)
> 
> I'm new to A03 and I hope I'm doing this right lmao---
> 
> I hope you enjoy! And also- chapters will get longer, don't worry.

Shane Anderson groans quietly as he scavenges his pockets for more money. He knows there is none since he had just spent all of his earnings on beer, but alas, he digs for some anyways. “Dammit.”

“Perhaps you should be getting home, eh?” the bartender asks. The truth is, the bartender is concerned for Shane. Not enough to do anything more than encourage him to leave - he is a paying customer after all- , but enough to say something.

“I’ll go when I wanna,” Shane slurs. He’s frustrated with himself yet again, but that isn’t anything new, now is it? What’s wrong this time?

Shane is frustrated because he was supposed to be with his goddaughter tonight, but he let her down for a beer. One beer only led to two. Two beers led to five and a buzz that’s faded into sulking by now. Shane is angry with himself because this is a repeated event, and he just wants Jas to give up on him like everyone else has, but it’s not seeming to happen. How many beers does it take for the kid to lose hope? That’s what he wants to know.

The drunk sighs, glancing around. He sees the group of friends - Sebastian, Abbie, and Sam- playing pool and laughing, and oh what he’d give for a gram of their happiness. They don’t have to spend every goddamn night drinking until they pass out.

Shane decides to leave, not wanting to see another person for the next 24 hours… Or at least until his hangover goes away the next day. He dreads arriving home because he knows Marnie will lecture him and Jas will be angry for a little while, so he heads towards the forest South of the ranch he calls home.

“I’m never going to make it,” he murmurs to himself on the way there. “Everyone else has something going for them. A worthwhile job. A scholarship for college. All I have is my beer and family who I don’t deserve.”

Here we go again. Shane’s tears.

They start slow at first, building up as he thinks more and more about all he’s done - or rather lack thereof. He’s done nothing in all 30 years of his life but prove he’ll never achieve anything of worth.

The tears run down his cheeks quickly now, along with the snot from his nose. He sits down at the edge of the dock and buries his head into his hands, wishing so desperately for more alcohol that could numb this pain for a little while longer. But he blew it, as he’s blown everything of value in his life, and this is the result.

As Shane’s cries finally cease and he’s shed all the tears he can for the night, he lifts his head up and to his surprise, a woman sits next to him. He jumps in shock, a punch in his gut that somebody had seen him like this. A stranger. “How long have you been here?” he asks, feeling irritated that she dare stay when he’s so vulnerable.

The woman shifts her gaze towards Shane, and he swears her eyes are empty. He swears her soul isn’t in her body. “I didn’t want you to be alone.”

Shane sighs, feeling rather irritated by her presence. “Yeah, well, I wanna be alone.”

“You know you don’t,” she simply says. “You know you’re lonely.”

“So what if I am? Fuck off.”

The woman stands up, smiling slightly at Shane. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“For the second time, fuck off,” Shane snaps. He’s had enough of her - how dare she thinks she knows all he’s feeling. All he’s going through. She doesn’t know shit.

The woman thankfully says no more, walking away and leaving him to sulk. Leaving him to his own misery. He’s far too used to dealing with it alone, anyhow, and gave up on changing his life a long time ago, good changes or not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments of what you think, please :)! They help a lot with figuring out how I'm doing.

Shane stumbles home late that night praying nobody is awake to confront him. Much to his dismay, he finds Marnie sitting at her desk in the front room. Instead of her usual welcoming smile she gives everyone else, he gets a scowl. “Well, I’m glad you decided to come home,” she scoffs. “Drunk, as always.”

“Marnie, I’m sorry-” Shane quickly goes to apologize.

“-You’re not,” she interrupts. “You know you aren’t, or else you’d try a little harder. You won’t skip a night at the bar for your own goddaughter.”

“I know…”

Marnie stands up, emotion balling up in her eyes. “Dammit, Shane, what does it take? For you to stop?”

“I…” he pauses for a moment to consider her question. He knows deep in his heart that there’s surely nothing in this universe that will make him stop drinking other than death itself. But that would only make her cry, and he doesn't want to deal with that. “I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything.”

“Well, we better fucking figure it out,” Marnie slams her hand on the desk. The alcoholic winces at her fowl language. Although he himself has the vocabulary of a sailor, he rarely hears his aunt swear. Especially not with Jas in the house.

“I don’t know! Okay? I’ve tried sparkling water but it never does a thing. I’ve tried to make friends but everyone in this shit town hates me. I don’t want anyone, anyway!”

“Well, Shane, that’s unfortunate because you have us. Me and Jas. I swear, if you take another sip of alcohol, I will kick you out of here.”

Shane’s eyes widen slightly at this threat. He knows he’s going to be out on the streets by tomorrow. “Marnie-”

“No, Shane. I don’t want to hear it. If I smell alcohol on your breath tomorrow, you’re out of here. I’m done playing games. I’m done letting you get away with making your goddaughter cry,” by this point, Marnie is yelling. Her face is contorted with frustration and a deep sense of despair. Shane can tell that this is hard for her, but what’s worse is the lack of empathy he feels for her. All he can fucking think about is how much he’s going to miss the booze tomorrow. All he wonders is where he’s going to stay tomorrow after coming home shitfaced.

Marnie walks off towards the direction of her bedroom, leaving the man to his own thoughts. He heads to his bedroom and takes off his worn coat, throwing it on the ground and collapsing in his bed. He wonders why things that would normally affect someone emotionally don’t faze him, why he’s more worried about getting caught than how his family would feel.

Shane concludes he’s heartless. A heartless drunk, because what normal person would disregard their family as he’s done?

As he sits back up in his bed, kicking off his shoes, his bedroom door creaks open. Light from through the window shines on the little girl’s face. Though Shane wants to be alone, it’s not like he can tell her to go away. He’s done enough to hurt her, after all.

“Shane?” Jas murmurs, approaching him. “I heard yelling.”

“I know. I caused it,” he refuses to meet her bright eyes, shame passing over him. There it is - a feeling. At least he can feel something right now other than pure apathy.

“But Marnie said something about you leaving.”

Shane sighs, motioning for her to sit. Jas, instead of hopping on his bed, sits on top of his lap, causing him to somewhat cradle the girl. “I really like this drink, but it’s not good for me,” he tells her. “And Marnie knows I drink it a lot. She said if I don’t stop, I’ll have to leave.

“Why don’t you just stop?”

“It’s… Not that easy. I need it to make it through the day.”

Jas’ face scrunches up, the gears in her head turning. “Why don’t I help you not drink it? Like keep you away from it?”

Shane chuckles. “It’s not that easy, kiddo. I was supposed to spend time with you tonight, but I still drank it instead.”

“But you can’t leave,” Jas whines. “I love you.”

The man sighs, hugging Jas tight, but he doesn’t say he loves her back. He’s unsure if he can even love anyone, because if he truly did love her, why can’t he give up the alcohol for her sake? He’s sure there is no room in his heart for love, no room in his body for emotions other than deep sadness. 

His body is only filled with shame and booze.

Shane holds onto the girl, fantasizing that if he hugs her tightly enough, it’ll make him want to fix his life again. Of course, this doesn’t work, but one can dream. When he’s done hugging her, Jas wiggles out of his arms and hurries over to the tv in his room. “Can we watch movies?”

Shane doesn’t really want to, but he owes it to her. So he gives her a lopsided smile, nods, and sits on the edge of the bed as she scavenges for a movie that interests her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy :)  
> Comment any suggestions for the story so far... Or just thoughts. Idk man lmao

Shane’s alarm wakes him up at eight in the morning, which also slightly wakes his goddaughter up since she had fallen asleep on top of him. He groans, gently setting Jas down next to him on the bed, then turns off his alarm. His killer hangover is the first thing to exacerbate his morning other than not even wanting to move an inch from his bed, but regardless, he slowly sits up.

Memories of last night, while faint, come back to him. Firstly, getting wasted at the Stardrop Saloon, but that isn’t anything extraordinary for someone like Shane. Second, stumbling over to the dock and crying. 

_“Like a pathetic little girl,”_ he bitterly thinks to himself. 

Next was the woman that scared the shit out of him at the dock, who he already has a feeling he hates. He never recognized her, but he hopes he’ll never have to see the woman again. Hopefully she isn’t from around here.

Finally, Marnie’s threat to kick him out, then Jas watching movies with him until they fell asleep. 

Shane sighs miserably, shifting his attention to a half asleep Jas. He takes in every feature of her blissful face, knowing he probably won’t see it again soon, then leans over and kisses her on the forehead. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry that I’m not even sorry.” He knows it’s not the most clever statement ever coming from him, but at this point in his melancholy, he just wants her to know he wishes he could care more. Jas deserves someone better than Shane as a father figure, and he even cringes at the fact she looks up to him with so much admiration.

Shane stands up from the bed carefully, leaning down to grab his coat from the floor, then heads to the bathroom before heading out to work. After he’s finished his business, he washes his hands and stares at the reflection in the mirror. He’s beginning to grow facial hair, but doesn’t bother to shave it off. His brunette hair is unkempt as always, but he doesn’t bother to make it look nice. That all seems like a waste of time.

Finally, Shane takes medicine for his hangover, then heads off towards Joja to begin the work for the day. Admittedly, he despises it there, but at least it gives him something to do. 

Unfortunately for him, Sam is on the same shift. It’s not that Sam is a bad guy, in fact, he has a good heart. It’s just that Sam is so goddamn extroverted that he wants to bash his own brains out even more than usual. Additionally, he feels inferior next to someone so successful. Though Sam works at Joja, he’s supposed to head to college soon. The kid has friends, a bright future, and has accomplished more in his one pinkie toe than Shane has in his lifetime.

Pathetic.

Sam smiles at Shane the moment he walks in the door. He immediately asks how he’s been, to which Shane sarcastically replies, “Another day in paradise.” The boy only chuckles in response, nodding, so he takes this opportunity to begin working away from Sam.

After Shane’s hangover dissolves and his head feels clear again, the craving for beer sets in. Lately, he’s been having beers in the morning as well, but this morning he couldn’t bring himself to chug one down. He felt too guilty drinking beer that early in the morning when Jas had fallen asleep in his arms. Now, he pays the price.

The need for a can of beer only heightens, making him work with more of an attitude. At least he doesn’t work in customer service, or else it would be a real shitshow assuming he’s not fired on the spot.

Work drags on forever for the man, but when it’s over, he doesn’t dash out the door soon enough. He’s more than ready to get his hands on a glass of cold beer, not even casting a second thought of his family. 

Marnie stands near the Stardrop Saloon, leaning against the front wall. Shane’s heart drops as he approaches the building, and realization of why she’s standing there hits him.

He’s not getting a beer tonight.

“I knew you’d show up here,” she snaps when he’s close enough. “Can’t go a day without being here.”

“I thought you’d leave the choice up to me,” Shane replies, although he already knows it wasn’t the best idea to respond with..

“Well, I know you well. I knew you’d forget me and Jas the moment you leave work. We’re going home. You’re not leaving your little girl tonight.”

“She’s not mine,” he argues, frustration building. He was so close to a beer, so fucking close to being numbed to his failures.

“You’re her godfather, so yes, she is.”

“She’s not mine,” he repeats. “There’s no way in hell I could ever be a real father to her. She’s not mine.”

“She god damn is, so why don’t you act like it starting today? She looks up to you whether you like it or not, even when you’re wasted. Give her a reason to look up to you.”

Shane groans loudly. “I fucking can’t. It’s only been getting worse. Find her a new father in this town, there’s no way it could be me.”

“Shane,” Marnie softens, gently resting her hand on her nephew’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. For being hard on you… It’s just the only way I know how to treat you when you’re like this. I know trying to find empathy from you is a difficult task, but please. Come home tonight without beer on your breath.”

Before the man can reply, Marnie turns away. When she’s gone from view, he glances towards the Stardrop Saloon, considering his options, then smacks his cheek when he realizes he’s actually considering a beer after what Marnie said. The truth is, her words barely touched him, because the need for beer is only increasing. But he knows this is the point in which he doesn’t drink beer, and so, he hesitantly goes through the motions of what he should do in this situation.

Shane, though withdrawn from the drug he practically breathes, walks away from the Stardrop Saloon. He does it because this is what he’s expected to do, this is supposed to result in good things, right? This is a good decision, right? 

It doesn’t feel like one. His body is screaming for a drink. Asking for just one, although he knows he’ll take four or five in the end. Regardless, he heads to the dock he was at yesterday night, not wanting to head straight home and accidentally hurt Jas in his crabby mood.

He sits there and stares into the water, hating the choice he’s made. He can’t stand anyone right now, but he needs his mind to go somewhere before he caves in. Good decision his ass, he just wants the bitter taste of alcohol in his mouth.

“Care to have some company?”

Shane should have known she’d show up.

“You look rough,” the woman from last night sits down next to him on the dock.

“Thanks,” he grumbles, feeling too defeated to tell her to fuck off.

“I heard you and that woman arguing.”

Shane looks up towards the woman curiously. Why is she following him around? Why does nobody else seem to know of her? In a small place such as Pelican Town, news gets around quickly, so why is she unheard of?

“Thought you could use company, or just a distraction from… Y’know.”

“If I’m a bitch, it’s not personal,” Shane simply replies. He doesn’t necessarily want company, but honestly, out of talking to someone or suffering without distraction, the latter sounds way worse.

“I’m Jiselle.”

“Jiselle? That’s some princess shit.” If Shane is going to be away from alcohol, he might as well not immediately scare off the distraction from withdrawal. Maybe it’s using the woman in a way, but he frankly doesn’t care.

Jiselle laughs lightly. “And that’s why I go by Elle.”

“Shane. How come nobody has talked about you?”

Elle shrugs uncomfortably. “I guess I have a way of being too boring to talk about.”

Shane nods understandingly, assuming she has issues of her own. He doesn’t feel like denying it, because while what she’s said is most likely false, words have a way of falling flat when you’re so convinced of something else.

“Why are you here of all places?” she asks.

“What?”

Elle shifts in her seat next to Shane, her legs dangling over the edge. “I mean here. In Pelican Town. Why’d you move here?”

“I grew up here. Then Jas came along and, well, it’s not like I can support myself enough to pay for my own place. She loves it here, anyways.”

“I thought I’d feel more important here,” Elle admits. “In the city you’re lost. Everyone doesn’t seem to give two shits about you. In a small town, there’s the whole community thing going on, and you think… ‘Maybe I’ll feel important here where people are more together’... But I feel just as alone. Everyone has their own friends and family. There’s no room for someone new to join.”

“I can guarantee you Sam would definitely hang out with you. If he wants to befriend me, he’ll be friends with anyone.”

“But will his other friends?”

Shane stays silent. He doesn’t know.

“Besides, I… I don’t know. It’s easier to be friends with people like you. I mean, to have a deeper understanding of what the other person is feeling.”

Shane cringes. “See, there’s a problem there. A pretty big problem.”

Shane notices Elle's face widen with realization. He sees that she knows she's fucked up. And she’s right - she’s pushed a rather sensitive nerve of Shane’s.

“You don’t know me. You’re preaching all this shit, but you still don’t know how I’m feeling exactly, and I don’t know how you’re feeling either. I get that you just don’t want someone like Sam as your friend, but you still have no idea what it’s like to wake up as me each day. I don’t know why you decide to try to talk to me, but trust me, I’ll only cause trouble.”

Shane decides it’s a good time to head back home, and before Elle can respond, he stands up and stomps towards the ranch. As far as he can tell, Elle only stays there.

The truth is, he’s sick of people saying they know how he’s feeling. That they understand his pain. Everyone says that shit, but they never really know, now do they? He can talk about it, he can describe how he feels, but he doesn’t even completely understand how he’s feeling, so surely they could never understand either. They don’t know shit about the war he’s tired of fighting, nor will they ever know.

He doesn’t care that Elle seems lonely. He doesn’t care that Elle was all preachy because she knew he would understand some of what she means in a way Sam couldn’t. He doesn’t care that she doesn’t seem to have anybody else.

He just wants some damn booze.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im really glad that this is getting some positive feedback :) it makes me feel so much better about my writing skills.

Shane storms inside of the house feeling like punching something. He wants to blame the feeling on Elle, and although she may have contributed, he’s the one stripped of alcohol today. This is just how he behaves without it.

Much to his dismay, Marnie stands up from her desk and walks over to Shane. “It’s good to see you here instead of the bar.”

As much as Shane would love to tell her to fuck off, he resists. Marnie checks his breath to make sure there’s not the stench of alcohol, then allows him to go on his way. He heads to his room and sits down on his bed, fidgeting with his hands. How the hell is he going to do this every day? His longest sober streak was two weeks, but he wasn’t nearly as dependent on it as he is now.

And Elle. The damned woman isn’t gonna leave him alone, now is she? Shane hopes she took the sign that she’s not wanted by him and won’t try to talk on the dock again… He doesn’t want to disappoint yet another person, and besides, she might like Sebastian. They can talk about being outcasts together so he doesn’t have to see her ever again. 

Jas interrupts his thoughts as she runs into the room. “You did it!”

“Did what?” He tries his best to hide his attitude.

“You didn’t drink today! You’re still here! See, now you just have to do that every day!”

Shane cringes at the thought of never drinking beer again. “I don’t know, kiddo…”

“Aw, come on! Wait, do you want to play? We never played the video game you talked about.”

Shane sighs, smiling slightly at her elated attitude towards life in general. So optimistic, not only with life, but with him. “Alright, sure. Might as well.” He stands up and turns on the console sitting next to the tv as Jas hops onto the bed. A loading screen pops up, so he grabs two controllers and sits down next to Jas.

The two play for a couple of hours, Jas often standing up whenever she gets too excited to stay still. The game mainly includes the two dueling each other, which Jas is terrible at, but Shane goes his easiest on her. He doesn’t want to see her frustrated, after all.

When they’re done playing, Marnie calls Jas for bed, leaving Shane once again alone. He decides his best option is to sleep so he doesn’t impulsively sneak a beer, so he turns off the tv, throws his coat on the floor, and rolls onto his bed.

Perhaps he can manage this. Manage not drinking any alcohol. Manage the cravings and the attitude. The shakiness and anxiety. Hell, he’s made it this far... Maybe he can do it.

But history repeats itself, because he thought he might have a shot last time he skipped out on alcohol. He didn’t even have a chance. Ultimately, one day without beer is a death sentence for Shane.

He wakes up at one in the morning in a cold sweat. He knows it’s caused by lack of alcohol, this is his body’s way of begging for a drink among other symptoms. It’s also notable that he feels as if he might vomit.

Shane doesn’t give a shit anymore; he needs a drink. He can’t be away any longer or he’s gonna lose it.

He rises from his bed, his hands shaking, and puts on his blue Joja coat. Maybe he can get away with one beer, I mean, the alcohol won’t last on his breath for too long, right?

A plan formulates in his mind. He’ll head to Joja Mart, buy a beer (or maybe a pack), then head home. He’ll go out to the chicken coop and drink there, and if Marnie finds him, he’ll just say he couldn’t sleep and wanted to pet the chickens.

This’ll work, right?

Well, it has to.

Shane slides on flip flops, grabs a house key from his dresser, then quietly slips out into the hall. Luckily, everyone seems to be asleep. There’s no sound of the tv from Marnie’s room, nor is there any lights on. He tip toes towards the front door, holding his breath, and unlocks it. 

So far all clear. 

He opens it slowly, the normally quiet creak of the door sounding like an avalanche, and slips outside, sighing in relief when the door shuts.

Sneaking out at age 30. Pathetic.

Shane suddenly snaps into reality, the situation dawning upon him. He’s going to get a beer, hallelujah, he’s going to taste it and feel better again. He can’t waste any time.

There are only a couple instances in which Shane has voluntarily ran. One was caused by Jas, who fell into the lake when she didn’t know how to swim. The second was caused by beer. This moment, in fact, is the second instance. Shane sprints to Joja Mart, desperation growing along with a strange excitement. It’s a small amount, but the excitement still exists. If only it were caused by something other than beer.

He ends up buying a six pack of beer, using money he was supposed to save. It doesn’t matter anymore, he can just save some other time. Right now he needs this.

Shane hurries home, speed walking instead of straight up running, and ensures nobody is awake. All lights are still off, and he doesn’t want to risk anything by heading inside, so he impatiently makes his way to the chicken coop.

“You’re not going to drink that, are you?”

Shane sighs, turning around to meet Elle’s condescending eyes. “Are you stalking me or something?”

“I was walking and saw you running with the beer. I thought I should save you from getting kicked out of your home.”

“Look, did you not get the memo? Fuck off,” he continues to head inside of the chicken coop. Elle only follows.

“I’m sorry for earlier, it’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t really care,” he grumbles, sitting down and taking a beer from the pack.

“You clearly did. Look, I meant you don’t sugarcoat shit, and that’s pretty cool.”

“Money? Attention?” Shane asks.

“What?”

“Is that what you want from me? Some money? I spent it all on beer. Some attention? Try someone who doesn’t feel like shit all the time. What the hell do I need to do to get you to fuck off?”

Elle stays silent, and for the first time Shane really looks at her as he waits for an answer. Blonde locks of hair and wide blue eyes. She really does look like a princess, but of course, she can’t know that. Shane would never allow her to. “I don’t know.”

“Surely you must, because you keep showing up. I’m not exactly looking for any new friends. If this is out of pity, I don’t want any.”

“No, no, it’s not out of pity.”

“If you say something like, ‘oh, I’m just drawn to you,’ I will not hesitate to physically kick you out of the chicken coop.” A joke? Shane’s tone of voice hints at him joking, although it was unintentional. He immediately regrets saying it, because now it seems Elle thinks she can stay. She sits down next to Shane, keeping a reasonable distance from him, and Shane pops open the beer he’s been holding this entire time. 

“You can still back out of this,” she points out, motioning towards the drink.

“I feel like shit without it, so I think I’m good.”

“But don’t you also feel like shit with it?”

“Stop it,” he snarls. “Stop saying stuff like you think you know how I feel.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

Shane pauses, thinking for a moment. “Yeah, I do feel like shit regardless of what I do. But when I’m drunk, it makes it go away for a while. Or just having some makes it a little better.”

“There’s other solutions.”

The man sighs, because guess what? He’s heard this shit before. This speech has been recited by Marnie countless times. There’s other solutions, but none worth trying in his eyes. Nothing comforts him quite like booze.. “Yes, I know. I just don’t care.”

“Then why haven’t you taken a drink yet, huh?”

Why hasn’t he? Could it be he’s hoping he’ll back out? That Elle will say the right thing? 

No, no, this is what he has wanted.

Shane looks Elle dead in the eyes and takes a swig of the beer, the bitter liquid running down his throat. Relief washes over him, like he’s risen from the grave.

“There’s still time.”

“Time for what? I took the drink, I’m now officially kicked out of the house. Might as well celebrate my failure with more.”

“There’s still time before you get drunk. Come on, we can pitch out the beer. You had a sip.”

“And now I want more,” Shane retorts, taking another drink. It feels good, not just the beer itself, but the fact he can be a bitch openly to someone. Like letting out all of the negativity he’s accumulated on someone other than himself for a change. There’s no consequences for being a bitch if he doesn’t care what the other says. She’s not Marnie or Jas, she’s just some silly woman who won’t leave.

“If you take another drink, I’ll wake up Marnie. I’ll wake up Jas, too.”

Nevermind.

Shane winces at the threat. “Look, why do you care? I’m not affecting you, neither is my beer.”

“I just do. So give me the beer. All of it. We’re going to dump all of it on the ground, and then you’re going to go inside and brush your teeth.”

Shane sighs. Why did she have to come here? Why does she have to care? “You’re bluffing,” he tests.

“Am I?” she stands up and begins to leave the chicken coop, heading towards the house.

“Fine. Just so I don’t get caught. And so Jas doesn’t have to hear me and Marnie yelling.” Defeated, Shane stands up with the beers in his hands and walks out of the chicken coop to Elle. She smiles, grabbing the open beer and pouring it out. Shane feels his initial relief empty out on the ground with the drink. This repeats with every beer until all of it is gone, and Shane can already feel his anxiety growing.

“Now, go brush your teeth.”

“I never brush my teeth. She’ll know something happened.”

“Firstly, that’s gross,” her nose scrunches up and the man rolls his eyes. “Second, if not anything minty, then something with a strong smell.”

Before Shane can reply, the sound of the front door opening makes him jump. He hears Elle run away, but before he can comprehend it, Marnie is already storming towards him. Shit.

“I knew it!” she screams.

“Marnie-” he exclaims. 

She stops and stares at the six bottles of beer. “Six?!”

“Marnie, I dumped them out,” he hurries to explain. “I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit and knew why. I went to the store, bought beer, took two sips, then poured the rest out.”

Marnie’s gaze softens just the tiniest bit, a small sense of pride shining in her eyes. But why? Shane had fucked up. “Shane… That was really brave.”

“What? Buying beer? Oh, yeah, I’m a real hero.”

“No, no. Dumping it out.”

Shane shrugs awkwardly, not wanting to explain he was planning on drinking every bottle up until Elle threatened him.

“I’m not kicking you out, but you better not be lying. And this doesn’t mean you can drink beer still.”

“I’m not drunk, am I? I took two sips. I’m not lying.”

She nods, a very subtle smile on her face, and hugs Shane.

A hug Shane feels he doesn’t deserve.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeee I kinda hate this chapter and I don't know why---  
> 

Shane ends up falling asleep with more ease after the two sips of beer. He wakes up to his alarm at eight in the morning. 

Thankfully, the need for beer has somewhat subsided because of what he had done earlier, but the truth is it’s still very present…And as always, very tempting.

After several minutes of laying there, procrastinating what he has to do, Shane rises from his bed and repeats his morning routine. Although the man is tired of the repetition, honestly, he’s scared of too much change as well. His life, while filled with misery, is somehow comfortable to him as it is.

He greets Marnie after leaving his room, who instantly reminds him to not drink. This only frustrates the man; he had not thought about it as strongly as he did right after the reminder. A faint temptation being pulled out into the open, and it only makes him want to drink even more. Regardless, he carries on with his day, grabbing a pepper popper from the fridge and taking a huge bite. 

It’s no coincidence that spicy foods are Shane’s favorite. A strong flavor can hide the unique smell of alcohol. But other than that, the peppery buzz that the spice creates is satisfying, as well as most spicy foods being delicious.

After Shane finishes the pepper popper and drinks a glass of water to wash it down, he heads out and towards Joja. On his way there, he thinks briefly of Elle. But Elle only confuses him because she doesn’t even make sense in his eyes. They barely know each other, and yet she tries so often to befriend him. For what gain? Everyone can see from a mile away that he’s a shit friend. It almost seems like she’s appeared out of nowhere - wouldn’t the town be raving over a newcomer by now?

Sam works the same shift yet again, greeting Shane as he did the day before. The same interaction repeats, in which Sam asks how he’s doing out of kindness, and Shane gives a sarcastic answer. But this happens nearly every time they’re on the same shift, almost tradition by now.

As Shane works, his itch for beer strengthens, but he already expected that to happen. His body, while feeling some satisfaction, is never happy with the amount of alcohol going in. A rigorous battle Shane fights.

At break, Shane leans against the wall outside of Joja. He considers heading to the Stardrop Saloon for a split second, but his thoughts are interrupted by Sam heading outside, a garbage bag slung over his shoulder. “Heya, Shane,” he waves.

“Hey,” he absentmindedly greets once again. It hits Shane that now is a perfect time to ask if there’s a newcomer that perhaps he didn’t hear about. Sam would definitely know if there were one. Maybe Elle is new here after all. As much as he hates to admit, he’s been thinking about the mysterious woman on and off the whole day. “This is random, but have you heard about someone moving here recently?”

Sam stops for a moment, holding a somewhat confused expression. “No… Why?”

The man shrugs. “Just thought I overheard something about it. Sorry.”

“I didn’t peg you as the type to even care about stuff like that.”

“I don’t.”

“O… Kay,” Sam gives him another strange look, then hurries back inside to tend to the customers. Shane half regrets asking, but he knew the curiosity would have been gnawing on him if he didn’t.

So, who is this woman? And where the hell is she from?

  
  
  


Shane isn’t as happy to get off of work as he normally is. By this point, he would be flying out the door to get a cold beer, but for a change he’s indecisive about going. “This is stupid,” he mutters to himself as he walks the trail to central Pelican Town. “I want a beer, what’s holding me back?”

He knows it’s his family deep inside. He knows after Marnie hugging him last night, he just wants another loving hug. He’s tired of Marnie yelling, and the hug she gave felt real, but he can’t get another if he drinks himself to death tonight.

Shane just wants real love. And it’s fucking stupid, because of course Jas loves him. Of course Marnie does. But he’s sure if Jas had another father figure in her life, she’d leave him in the dirt. Marnie would, too. He’s a last resort, but he just wants to be something more than a last option. 

Thinking about it all only makes Shane feel increasingly sensitive and pathetic. He can’t cry here in front of everyone, or else people would show their pity, and pity isn’t what he needs. He doesn’t want people to pay attention towards him, at least not the people he’s grown to dislike.

As he approaches the bar, giving in and giving up on receiving another hug, a cold hand catches his arm. He flinches, his head snapping towards whoever had laid their hand on him. There, he sees Jas’ large fluff of black hair along with her vibrant teal bow keeping the strands together. She has a small pout on her face and he immediately wonders what she’s doing here.

“Marnie told me to get you from the Stardrop Saloon for dinner.”

He’s rather predictable.

Shane sighs, glancing inside the building and spotting his usual seat. He could be sitting there right now, a beer in hand. His gaze shifts back towards the little girl, the same pleading expression still persuading him to follow. “Alright, let’s go.”

Jas’ frown snaps into a grin as they link hands and she excitedly skips towards the ranch. He struggles to keep the pace, wishing he could find the will to work out more so he could keep up. 

They arrive home and sit at the dinner table, awaiting food as Marnie stands near the stove. While Marnie refuses to say what’s for dinner, claiming it’s a surprise, the smell gives away that it’s pizza. She knows it’s everyone’s favorite in the house.

Shortly after they sit down, Marnie takes the pizza from the oven and places it on the table. “Don’t grab a slice yet, it’s still really hot,” she says, directing the warning almost entirely towards Jas. After shutting off the oven, she takes a seat across from Shane and smiles at the man. He gives a somewhat nervous smile back, mostly because she never checked his breath and probably assumed he had drank already. Plus, they never eat dinner together, but perhaps this was a ploy to get him away from beer.

Everyone soon grabs a couple of slices, beginning to eat the delicious meal. Shane doesn’t normally eat much, and in fact cringes slightly at the two slices on his plate. He’s going to feel rather full after this.

“So, Shane, how’d your day go?” Marnie begins conversation.

The man shrugs. “Same as everyday.”

“What about you, Jas?”

Jas perks up at her name. “Well, Vincent and I played near the lake today! He tried to catch fish with his bare hands!”

Shane smiles slightly at her reply. “And did he catch any?”

“Nope! But he chased me around when his hands were still wet.”

Marnie chuckles at the girl, then takes another bite of pizza. “Anything new at all happen today, Shane? Come on, talk to us.”

He feels his mood deflate when the attention is all on him. “Nope. Same day as always.” His mind goes back on Elle at the mention of ‘new’, and he decides to ask about her. It’ll appease Marnie, anyways, that he’s talking a bit more. “But was there a new person that moved in recently?”

“To Pelican Town? No. I don’t know how anyone could find Pelican Town, anyways. It’s barely on the map.”

“Ah okay. Just thought I had heard something about it, but I probably misheard,” he lies, not wanting to explain Elle’s existence. Or rather lack thereof because nobody knows about her. 

“Jas might know, she’s out more than both of us.”

Jas shakes her head. “Nope. If someone moved here, I would have said hi already.”

Shane nods, analyzing the new information. It really is true that nobody seems to know of Elle other than him in this town. With that being said, how come she always pops up during the night? Wouldn’t she be here during the day? Why him? Where is she really from?

Shane absolutely despises the fact he wants to figure it all out.

Strangely, at the very same time, all he wants is for her to leave him alone for good. Yet another battle between getting to know who she is and ultimately having to deal with giving her the time of day, or kicking her out of his mind. Unfortunately for him, while Shane normally never gives two shits about anything, he can get rather curious at certain times, this being one of them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hello, hello! I'm back :)!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! I really like how it ended (and the cute moments with Jas and Shane). I'm back to updating frequently, and I'm thinking of just making an actual update schedule, but I don't know yet.
> 
> <33

It’s clear by now that Shane isn’t exactly a social butterfly, nor is it a longshot to say he hates social events. In fact, he tries his hardest to sway away from large gatherings. Perhaps it’s the people draining his energy out, or how he’s not supposed to be rude no matter how much they deeply annoy him, but he always feels so worn out after any parties.

Unfortunately, his goddaughter is always mingling with others and encouraging him to follow along. Of course, he weasels his way out of most events, whether it be running off to the bar or spending the night alone in his room, but sometimes there’s just no getting out of it.

This is one of those times.

Shane has always had an excuse to not see the Dance of The Moonlight Jellies, in which migrating jellyfish light up the sea at night for the townspeople to observe. Usually, his go to is work. He says he has to work extra for whatever reason he can devise. He actually just heads to the bar, but only Marnie finds out that part. This year, he’s unfortunate enough to have Jas informed he has the entire day off, meaning he’s going to be forced to come with regardless of how he’s feeling.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, he feels like shit.

Shane sits in the kitchen, an alcohol withdrawal induced headache gnawing at his skull. Surprisingly, he hasn’t really had any since the night Elle made him dump it all out. That was only a couple of days ago, but it feels way longer. Jas and Marnie are making breakfast together - chocolate chip pancakes - and although he’d rather start off his day with something spicier, there’s no refusing food Jas helps make in this household. Jas would only wine and pout if Shane didn’t eat it. 

Jas flips two large pancakes onto a plate and drizzles maple syrup on top of the food. She sticks a fork on the plate, then hurries over to Shane and offers it to him. Despite the vast amount of sugar piled in front of him, he gives his goddaughter a smile and uses the fork to push a piece into his mouth. Jas waits for his verdict, staring at his face, trying to make sense of any expression she observes. Shane, knowing just how to make her happy, exaggerates how much he likes the pancakes. He hums in appreciation and gives her a grin when he finishes a bite.

It works, because Jas gives him a quick side hug, then runs back towards Marnie who hands her a plate of pancakes. The group sits at the kitchen table in silence as they eat their breakfast. When everyone is done, Jas is the first to speak. “What’re we gonna do today?”

“Well, I’ve got to work,” Marnie answers. “But Shane and you can do something together.” She shoots Shane a look that says he has to do this, so the man nods and stands up. 

“Come on, Jas, what we do is up to you.”

Jas grins, jumping up from the chair and pulling Shane towards the front door. Marnie smiles at the two as they leave, giving him a subtle thumbs up.

Jas ends up bringing him to the horses, saying she wants to ride them with him. Shane, while quite worn out and not wanting to go through the trouble, sighs and smiles. How the hell could he say no after how he normally treats the girl, anyways? She deserves a day with him, as much as he hates to admit it.

It’s not that he hates spending time with Jas, because usually he ends up having enough fun to make the experience worth it, it’s just that it sounds so draining. He usually needs time to himself after spending the day together, and so he spends the night drinking or wandering off alone. Too bad he can’t even drink tonight because of the damned Dance of the Moonlight Jellies going on.

Jas approaches the horses and points towards her favorite one. A golden one with flowers Jas tied into her mane. “I wanna ride this one.” He nods, giving her a helmet from the ground near the horses, then picks out a horse of his own. He ends up picking a random once since he’s unable to remember the name of nearly any of them anymore - he’s more of a chicken guy than a horseback rider, after all - and gets both of the animals from inside the enclosed area.

Since Jas has done this before and is an expert at horseback riding, she doesn’t need Shane’s help or as much of his surveillance. Shane, on the other hand, seems to have forgotten almost all knowledge of riding, and struggles to remember how to even get on the animal properly. Regardless, he pushes on, because this damn horseback ride is going to make it up to Jas in some way. It’ll make her happy. 

  
  
  


The day moves on fairly quick for Shane and Jas. After riding horses, they head back inside and watch movies for a while. Marnie is ecstatic to see them spending time together, because she feels this is as it should be. A father and daughter spending the day together. She just hopes he doesn’t fuck it up. 

Luckily, he hasn’t yet. He’s stayed strong, trying to ignore his body plotting against him, and thankfully the day is coming to a close. The only thing left is the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies.

Admittedly, he has had some fun with Jas. Mostly when they were watching movies or playing video games because it took minimal effort to do. He still prefers to be alone, especially when withdrawn from alcohol, but this isn’t as bad as he thought. This tends to happen, though; when the two spend time together, at first Shane dreads it, but he ends up having fun and even briefly forgetting about all of his struggles.

But all good things must come to an end, and unfortunately Shane is once again dreading time spent with family. Marnie is cleaning up after work, while Jas is putting on her favorite dress to go to the event tonight. Shane sits at the kitchen table, waiting for the two to be ready. Jas runs back to the kitchen where he sits, wearing a purple dress he recalls her wearing on other special occasions, and notices the frown on her face. “What?” he questions.

“You’re gonna wear  _ that _ ?”

Shane looks down to his own clothes. The same worn blue jacket, green collared shirt, and jean shorts that he’s worn for, what, three or four days straight by now? “What’s wrong with it?” he asks, although he knows the answer.

“You wear it every day! It’s stinky by now.”

“Kid, nobody is gonna notice,” he defends.

“I just did!”

He chuckles. She’s got her there. “Okay, nobody besides you is going to notice.”

“Marnie!” she calls, only to prove she’ll notice as well.

“Okay, okay, fine,” Shane dismisses her calls for Marnie. “What do you want me to do?”

Jas checks the time, her nose scrunching up as she thinks. “Well, there’s not enough time for you to shower, so how about you just change clothes?”

“How many clothes need to change?” he asks. The truth is, he really doesn’t want to change at all, but he’ll do it to appease her if she’s going to make this big of a deal out of it. With that being said, he doesn’t want to go without a jacket, and he doesn’t want to dress up either. 

“All!”

He rolls his eyes subtly, standing up from the chair with a small groan. “Okay, okay, fine. But I get to pick out what I change into. And I’m doing this only for you.”

Jas’ wide smile makes the man shake his head, wondering how the hell she got him to do this, and heads to his room. He shuts the door and approaches the dresser, sighing to himself. Shane didn’t bother to shove the clothes into the drawers, so any clothes clean within the past six months have been randomly scattered on top of the dresser. 

He picks up the first things he can find - basketball shorts, a random black graphic tee, and of course clean underwear - and turns to the mirror as he undresses. 

God dammit, he’s ugly. At least in his eyes he is. When Shane’s shirt lifts up, all he can notice is the fat piled onto his stomach in defined rolls. Of course, it’s not as bad as he thinks, but when all he can see is a massive pile of shit, there’s no ignoring a single shred of excess fat. He has to look away so he doesn’t smash the mirror in response to the reflection, and hurries to put on clothes again. 

Shane wears his blue jacket regardless of what Jas had said, then heads back to her. Marnie sits at the kitchen table with the girl, her face lifting with surprise upon seeing Shane.

“Jas made me change clothes,” he simply grumbles. He doesn’t want anyone to make him feel awkward by making an unnecessarily big deal of it. She smiles at Jas and stands up, so Shane follows as they head out.

  
  
  
  


There’s way too many people here, but way too many people in Shane’s eyes is more than three.

The entire town congregates near the beach, making Shane feel increasingly socially anxious. He knows Marnie and Jas are going to want to talk to several people and probably include him in conversation, but above that, he knows people are going to say something about him showing up. People here can never shut their goddamn mouth.

Jas drags him along to her friend, Vincent. He’s a little boy around her age that often plays with her. Next to Vincent is his older brother, Sam, who he recalls plays pool with his friends on Fridays. Coincidentally, as he thinks about Sam’s friends, they pop up and sit down next to the guy. Sebastian and Abigail, is it?

“Heya, Shane,” Sam waves. “Didn’t expect you here.”

Shane’s jaw tightens slightly, expecting a praise for showing up, but it never comes. “Jas wanted me to come,” he shrugs.

He feels Sebastian and Abigail’s eyes on him, making him feel even more under pressure to say something more. Despite their stares, he doesn’t add more.

“You wanna hang out with us?” Sam offers, glancing towards his friends for confirmation that the request was okay. Sebastian, the black haired man who holds a cigarette in one hand, gives an uncertain nod. Abigail, the purple haired woman, looks over Shane with a small scowl, then shrugs.

“I’m okay,” Shane shakes his head. He can sense he’s not actually wanted there, at least not by Sebastian and Abigail, and knows if he did stay it would only be painfully awkward. Sam nods, turning his attention back towards his friends, and so Shane focuses back on Jas. She’s sitting down next to Vincent now, so he assumes he’s free to walk away. Shane is just an odd one out, anyways. Not in the way that Sebastian is, because he embraces it in a sense and finds other people who enjoy his style, but rather just… A loser. 

As Shane walks off, hoping to find a space that is unoccupied and a bit more secluded, he notices Marnie shooting him a look to stay with Jas.

Goddammit. She’s doing fine without him.

The man sighs and sits down behind Jas, hoping nobody tries to talk to him again here. Only if he’s lucky. 

  
  


Shane is considerably shorter than the other people in town. Most of the time, this never affects him. Unfortunately, when the show begins, he’s behind several people who are taller than him. Although he didn’t want to come in the first place, now that he’s here, it’d be pretty nice to be able to watch the show. Since Jas is also short, he lifts her up on top of his shoulders so she can see, but despite standing up, it’s still somewhat hard for him to see any jellyfish.

People begin to head out about an hour after the show begins, Jas and Marnie included, but Shane stays after promising he wouldn’t take a detour to the bar. With the majority of people gone, his initial social anxiety diminishes and he approaches the dock outlooking the ocean. It’s way more peaceful now, way more relaxing, and honestly he’d rather have gone to this event in the past when everyone else left than not go at all. It’s strange to admit that to himself - that he’d willingly go to an event in Pelican Town if everyone else was gone - , but not totally farfetched of an idea to him.

The Moonlight Jellies are still very present, reminiscent of water floating lanterns in a way. Splashes of light amongst the now darkened waters. He takes off his flip flops and hangs his feet over the edge of the dock, making sure not to fall in, then takes a deep breath.

Finally alone.

“Hey,” her voice fills the air. Elle. It’s always Elle when he just wants to be alone, isn’t it? Before he replies, she sits down next to him. “How’s it going?”

Shane is tempted to reply with ‘another day in paradise’, but resists to do so. “Well, actually, I was planning on spending the rest of the night alone.”

“Then it seems your plans have changed,” she retorts, smiling at him. He rolls his eyes, staring at a nearby jellyfish. “They’re really something else, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t expect you to even be down here.”

“You know,” Shane begins. “Someone else said that as well. I came down here because I had to, but now that everyone - or almost everyone, I guess - is gone, it’s way easier to stay.”

“Yeah? Huh,” she replies. “I came here to watch the jellies, but stayed for you.”

“Why?”

She shrugs. “You’re still pretty interesting. Tell me something about yourself.”

“Hell no,” he grimaces. “I have nothing to say.”

“Pff, aw come on,” Elle gently nudges Shane, but he doesn’t even really feel it.

“Why do you even want to know?”

“Is it that difficult of a concept to grasp that I have an interest towards you? Now come on, what do you spend your time doing?”

Shane doesn’t reply, hating the small talk.

“Okay, fine. If you answer one question of mine, I’ll answer one question of yours. Okay?”

The man considers the offer for a few moments, then bashfully replies. “Well, uh, I guess I play video games or watch movies. Or do stuff with Jas.”

“See? Easy. What kinda movies?”

“You said one question,” he remarks.

“Ugh, fine. What’s your question?”

“That was a question too.”

Elle chuckles, her laugh music to his ears for reasons he can’t fathom, and even smiles a tad. 

“Who are you?”

“Pff, that’s easy. I’m Elle.”

“No, I meant more like, where are you from? Why the hell are you here in Pelican Town?”

“You already asked your question, buddy,” she says, her smile faltering. 

“Aw, come on, that’s unfair.”

“I answered who I was, didn’t I? I’m Elle,” she laughs quietly. “Maybe there’ll be a next time and you’ll think of a better question.”

Shane doesn’t reply, looking out towards the ocean once more rather than glancing occasionally at Elle. He wishes he had asked a more specific question, but at the time, didn’t think she’d take it so literally. Dumbass.

But he realizes what the hell he’s doing. He’s talking to Elle, letting her know what he does and who he is. It’s just another invitation to disappoint someone, and Shane realizes he can’t let that happen. He can’t let Elle into his life any more than he already has, it would only be a mistake.

Shane stands up and walks away from the princess of a woman, hearing her curious calls for him to return, but not obliging. Maybe it was a dick move. Maybe things wouldn’t be how they are with his family with her. Frankly, he doesn’t want to waste time and find out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys-- do you know how happy I am waking up to 30 more hits and another positive comment :')? Especially with my self esteem as large as a pebble in terms of writing?
> 
> It makes me so giddy and just--- ahhh thank you <33
> 
> AnyWAYS, enjoy this chapter! I have,, plans ;)
> 
> Also, I think I'm gonna be updating from just randomly to two times a week. Don't know what days, but just two times. So yeah :)

It’s been a week since Shane’s last sip of beer, and honestly, the only reason he hasn’t gotten a drink yet is because Marnie has never left him alone. When he gets out of work, heading towards The Stardrop Saloon, she’s there to lead him home. When he’s at home, he’s either with Marnie, Jas, both of them, or sleeping. Marnie ensures he doesn’t sneak out by installing an alarm that goes off if the front door opens at night, and the guy can’t fit through any windows either.

He feels like a childish infant she has to supervise at all times, but at the same time, he knows this is the way it has to be for sobriety.

Unfortunately for Shane, he prefers just being kicked out than all these precautions, at least he feels that way. There’s never a moment of peace for him, causing him to be even more irritable than normal.

Today is quickly an exception.

In the morning, as Shane is leaving for work, Marnie informs him that she can’t be there at the Stardrop Saloon when he gets out of work due to being busy. She also tells him she expects him to be home within half an hour of getting out of work

A perfect opportunity.

As soon as he gets out of work later that day, he quickly packs up, not even saying goodbye to Sam, and heads straight to The Stardrop Saloon. Just as he has done in the past.

As expected, Marnie isn’t waiting outside for his arrival. Shane still stays cautious as he enters, but lets his guard down upon only spotting the bartender inside.

“Hey, Shane,” he greets, keeping his gaze on the man. 

He sits down at his regular stool, glancing around once more, then orders. “A beer, please.”

The bartender casts an uncertain look, not moving an inch, then shakes his head. “Marnie tells me to watch out for you, bud. I’m gonna have to tell her you were here.”

“Of fucking course,” Shane grumbles.

“Sorry. While I can’t technically refuse serving, I’ll just say I’m currently on lunch break. And it ends when you get home.”

“Look,” Shane pleads. “I’ll pay triple for one beer.”

The bartender stops for a moment, considering the offer, and hope fills Shane as he turns towards the beers. But he stops and turns back towards the desperate man. “No can do.”

“Dammit,” Shane pounds his fist on the table, then stands up and storms out of the building. He was so fucking close. He’s always so fucking close, but now he’s going to get kicked out, and he didn’t even get a beer. Or at least he’ll get a good scolding from Marnie. “Fucking dammit,” He repeats, louder this time. Shane leans against the wall of the Stardrop Saloon, seething with anger that’s about to explode. Like a dam about to break after all of the pressure.

In the midst of his frustration. He ends up leaning himself against the trash can nearby, trying to contain himself so he doesn’t fuck up in front of Jas. He has, what, ten minutes until he has to get home? Fuck that. It won’t mean shit when Marnie finds out why he was late. Shane opens his eyes, tears pathetically rolling down his cheeks and dropping into the garbage can. Despite his unclear vision, something in the trash can catches his eye.

A beer bottle.

Shane glances around as he wipes his eyes, making sure nobody sees this pitiful act, then quickly reaches his arm in to grab the bottle. There’s a few sips worth of beer in there, though old and warm, and Shane immediately downs it.

“The hell are you doing?” the bartender from earlier exclaims. Shane’s head whips to the man, who holds a trash bag in one hand, and drops the beer.

“Shit-”

“Shane, did you get that from the trash can?”

“Uhm…”

The bartender must have understood that answer as a clear yes, because he sighs, throws the trash bag into a nearby dumpster, then approaches the miserable alcoholic. “Come on inside. How about we talk? No beer. If you do this, I’ll excuse you for being late and Marnie won’t know a thing.”

Shane, though hesitant, follows him inside and they sit at a table across from each other. Anything to get out of consequences. But he knows he’s going to get a lecture here too.

“You’ve been my customer for a long time. Every damn day you’d come here, but I never thought much of it. Sometimes I got concerned when you just wouldn’t stop ordering some nights, but it seems I’ve underestimated the situation.”

Shane stays silent. What does he even say to that?

“Shane, have you considered getting help?”

“No. My help is beer… But lately that hasn't been available to me.”

“Professional help?”

Shane almost seems offended by that suggestion, like that’s not a plausible option. “Wouldn’t want to waste money, now would we?” he snaps.

“You just dug through the trash for a few drops of beer. I think this is serious enough for more action.”

“I doubt it’ll work. The only thing that does is alcohol. Besides, why waste everyone’s time with my shit? It’ll probably be expensive. I can’t afford that.”

“You’re making excuses.”

“Maybe,” Shane stands up. “Or maybe I’m just a lost cause. Have you considered that? Why pour money into something like that when beer makes it better, huh?”

Before he can reply, Shane hurries outside. He still has five minutes to get home, although now his breath has some traces of beer in it. Whatever, it made him feel better. If Marnie notices, she notices.

Except he still feels like shit. The mention of professional help makes his stomach churn, and somehow, he wishes the bartender just didn’t give a shit about him. Everything would be a whole lot easier if nobody cared what he did. 

What does he matter to the bartender anyways? He’s just a customer there, it’s not like they’re friends. Wouldn’t the money he brings in be more of a concern than how he is? Perhaps Marnie is paying him to keep watch. That wouldn’t be a surprise to him after all the babying she’s done.

When Shane gets home, Marnie is sitting at her desk. She greets him, but he brushes past her and heads straight to his room. Not only because he’s pissed off, but also to spare her from his anger and keep from yelling. Jas hates when they argue.

It’s a lot to hold in every day. The need for alcohol, his depression, and struggling to take care of a kid… But the bartender is the last straw to break the camel’s back. Shane sits on his bed against the wall and sobs, letting emotion take over. Letting emotion simply be this present for once. He’s fucking pissed, pissed at Marnie for treating him like a child, pissed at the bartender for giving a shit, pissed at Jas for thinking he can fill the father roll, but most of all pissed at himself for letting it get this bad.

Professional help? Maybe that would have worked earlier, but in his eyes, he’s too far gone by now.

“Shane?” Marnie’s voice is heard from the other side of the door.

Shane doesn’t even acknowledge it, lost in his own cries.

The door opens, and Marnie’s sympathetic eyes fall onto the poor man. “Shane, hun-”

“Please- please just go,” he stammers.

To his surprise, Marnie nods. Before she goes, though, she pauses and hesitantly says, “Hey, if you want to see the chickens tonight… I’ll keep the alarm of the door disabled. Just… Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“It’s not like I’d be able to anyways,” Shane scoffs. He’s not afraid if Marnie understands what he means, nor is he afraid of being kicked out at the moment. 

Marnie only nods and leaves the room, allowing him to cry in solitude. He just hopes Jas doesn’t has to seem him like this - pathetic.


	8. Chapter 8

Shane ends up heading outside and to the chicken coop at around midnight. He doesn’t even try to take a detour to get beer, because for once in his life, he’s too exhausted to even do that. Besides, he had some earlier to slightly quench his addiction.

As established earlier when he was with the horses, Shane is more of a chicken guy. This is proven to be true especially now; he sits on the floor of the chicken coop holding a chicken in his lap tightly, occasionally petting the little guy. The small animals are like comfort to him for unknown reasons. It just seems that whenever he pets one, serenity passes over him for just a little while. 

“You guys have it easy, huh?” he tells the crowd of animals. “Just hanging around in the coop. No people to let down. Life is pretty simple for you.”

Call it tragic that he resorts to venting to his chickens, but it makes Shane feel pretty damn better.

“Damn, I’d love to be a chicken on a farm.”

“Would you, now?” Elle’s voice rings throughout the coop, making Shane jump.

“How the hell do you always know where I am?” Shane snaps, mostly because her sudden appearance had scared him.

“I heard you talking to the chickens and got curious.”

“I swear you’re just stalking me. Why’re you even around here around this time?”

Elle walks further into the coop, bringing back memories of the other time she was here with Shane. She sits down right next to him, their thighs so close they’re nearly touching. Shane scoots a little bit away, uncomfortable with the lack of personal space. “I went on a walk to think, heard you, then decided to visit.”

“How lovely. Unfortunately, I’d rather this visit come to a close. I didn’t expect anyone to hear me talk to some chickens.”

“What, you embarrassed?” Elle teases. Shane’s heart leaps; she’s spot on. He thinks it’s silly he’s so attached to the animals, enough for them to become his personal therapist alongside alcohol. “Wait, you actually are?”

“I mean, yeah,” he weakly admits.

Elle’s carefree demeanor shifts into a more serious tone. “Look, there’s no need to be embarrassed. It seems you have nowhere else to go. You know you can talk to me as well, though, right?”

Shane shrugs. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

There’s a prolonged silence, mostly because the two are busy thinking, but eventually Elle speaks up again. “Shane, can I ask you something? You can ask me something as well.”

“Okay…” he agrees, keeping his eyes glued onto the chicken in his lap. He can finally get a question in at least.

“Why did you leave? At the dock? I thought… I don’t know.”

“Well…” he considers giving her the actual reason why, but cowers. “I’m an asshole.”

“No, really, why?”

“I answered the question,” Shane chuckles bitterly, not wanting to dive into his own feelings.

“Was it something I did?”

“This seems like more than one question.”

“Shane,” Elle begs. “Come on. I’ll answer two questions.”

Shane shifts his gaze towards Elle, meeting her bright blue eyes. There’s a miserable frown on his face along with uncertainty in his own eyes, like he doesn’t know if his feelings are safe with her. “If- If I tell you,” he feels his voice crack with fear. “Please don’t give me a stupid speech… Or tell anyone else… Or, I don’t know. Please just don’t let me regret this.”

“I promise,” Elle gives a small nod, then smiles at him encouragingly.

“Ah, shit,” Shane shakes his head, his tone instantly changing. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“What? What happened?”

“Fuck!” he pounds his hand on the ground next to him. “I keep doing it. Again and again.”

“Doing what?”

“I-I keep- Dammit!” Shane exclaims, this time just covering his face with his hands. He keeps sharing his feelings with anyone other than the chickens. He keeps opening up opportunities for more people in his life, and that terrifies him to the very core.

“Shane, listen,” Elle instinctively rests her hand on his, trying to calm his trembling form. He doesn’t even realize she does this, or else he probably would have jumped at her delicate touch. “I’m not going to make fun of you, okay?”

“No, no, it’s not that,” he shakes his head, his hands still covering his eyes. “I don’t know what to fucking do. If I tell you why, it’ll just be doing it again. If I don’t, you’re gonna think it’s you.”

“You keep telling me about yourself?”

“Dammit!” he yells once more. If he replies yes, it’ll add to his frustration of opening up somewhat. If he says no, it’ll not only be incredibly obvious he’s lying, she’ll just ask more damn questions.

“Shane! Breathe. I’ll shut up until you get a hold of yourself.”

Shane takes her advice, trying desperately to get a hold of his head for once. He breathes in and out slowly, wiping away the tears he didn’t even realize were pooling down his face. He’s not sure which is worse; opening up to her or crying in front of her. Both make him look weak, and wait - why the hell does that even matter to him?

Dammit, he’s too emotional to think straight about it. 

“If you’re not comfortable telling me, then tell the chickens,” Elle suggests. Shane laughs unintentionally, regretting it in case his laugh only hurts her feelings, but to his surprise, she laughs with him. And boy, does he not want to stop just so he can hear hers longer. When he’s calmed down enough to form words, he sighs, giving in. “I’m going to regret this so damn much.”

Shane’s wall between him and Elle is broken down at this point, but he doesn’t hurry to rebuild it as he did seconds ago. He’s tired of rebuilding the wall, tired of trying to defend his feelings from her attacks, tired of watching helplessly as the wall is destroyed again and again. Elle is determined to help him for whatever reason, and he knows she won’t stop anytime soon. She’s too damn stubborn.

“So, the night at the dock,” he begins, picking up the chicken from his lap and facing it towards himself. It’s easier to open up to chickens than the woman next to him. “When Elle showed, it wasn’t that I exactly wanted her to go,” he cringes admitting that, feeling completely vulnerable. “It’s that I’m afraid. I keep trying to convince myself I hate her but- but she’s done nothing wrong… Except being a possible stalker,” he adds the last part with a chuckle.

“Scared of what?” she asks, then immediately continues, “The chicken asked that by the way, I speak fluent chicken.”

Shane laughs lightly. “Scared of disappointing another person. Elle’s really terrifying without trying to be.”

“Well, the chicken thinks you should give her a chance. And that she’s sorry for being pushy. They think she’s just trying to be there because you deserve someone safe.”

“I don’t deserve anything,” Shane mumbles, finally turning to Elle. He expects a look of pity, but instead, all he can spot is concern. Pure concern with no traces of claiming to understand how he’s feeling. Or _trying_ to understand exactly how he’s feeling. Or comparing herself to how he’s feeling. And dammit, that’s the look he could only ever hope for. 

“I can’t promise how you’ll affect me. I don’t know the future. But… Surely you can give me a chance? To be friends?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know, Elle. Can we just see how it turns out? I’ll try not to be a dick. I haven’t had a friend since high school. This is already way more than I’m comfortable with.”

Elle doesn’t seem to doubt that being true and nods. “That works.”

“Can I ask two questions now?”

“Go ahead.”

Shane ponders what exactly he should ask, trying to figure out which questions wouldn’t have any loopholes she could use to her advantage. “Are you from Pelican Town?”

“Nope.”

No? That explains why she’s unheard of here. Where is she from, then?

Despite wanting to figure out where she’s from exactly, he decides to relate his second question to her personally. She knows a lot about him, more than he’s comfortable with, anyways. “What do you do when you’re not with me?”

She shrugs. “I go on a lot of bike rides. Or hiking and stuff. I also play video games and read. Not too much.”

Although he wants to ask more and more, like if she works, if she has siblings or pets, and even how old she is, he knows how the game goes. No more questions for now. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Thank you. You didn’t give a lecture, or much of one anyways.”

“Thank the chicken, I’m just the translator,” she grins.

Shane playfully rolls his eyes, then with a smile on his face, turns towards the chicken. “Thank you, little guy.”

“He says it’s no problem. And you’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeee this was one of my favorite chapters to write :) finally getting that fluff between Elle and Shane. And also I died from j o y making the chicken what Shane talks through because he's too scared to admit stuff to Elle directly-- hhh :')  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	9. Chapter 9

Elle and Shane end up spending most of the night together, and for once in over ten years, Shane can say he has a friend. 

Friend. 

The word is foreign on his tongue. He doesn’t consider Marnie and Jas friends, but rather just family. There’s a huge difference between being friends with your family and just being family; families are expected to take care of each other, and so that’s what his family does, but he can’t imagine them doing it to be his friend. Perhaps his philosophy is caused by the amount of times he’s been sure they just feel required to watch over him, but he hasn’t seen it any other way in years.

Elle is a friend, one he still can barely believe he has, because, well… He’s a piece of shit. He can’t take care of himself, so how is he going to fit in the time to be a friend to Elle? He's done absolutely nothing to benefit her, in fact he believes he has only hurt her, and if that doesn’t make him an asshole, then surely nothing will.

At around four in the morning, Elle leaves the chicken coop to head home. While Shane doesn’t want to admit it, his bad attitude has been somewhat alleviated. He no longer feels the urge to cry and scream, and while his stomach is still in knots, that’s a normal thing for him. Especially when Elle is around.

He heads back inside maybe ten minutes after Elle leaves and heads straight to bed, unenthused for tomorrow when Marnie will ask about his tantrum. Although he tries to go through everything that’s happened within the past 24 hours as he lays down, his mind grows too tired to think and he drifts off. 

The next morning, Shane’s alarm wakes him up at the same time as always for work. He shuts it off and lays there for a bit until he hears footsteps approaching his door. “Shane?” Marnie’s voice calls.

“Hm?” he hums sleepily.

“We need to talk.”

Those dreaded words can only mean nothing good. She says that every single time he has a breakdown, but her ‘talking’ always leads to yelling.

“Okay,” Shane replies plainly. He sits up from the bed, sighing and rubbing his eyes as Marnie opens the door. His heart drops as another person follows inside; the bartender. 

Shit.

“I’m sure you remember Gus,” she smiles at Shane encouragingly, trying to calm the obvious nerves running through his face. He never even knew Gus’ name until now. “First, you’re not in trouble. Gus told me about yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t we head to the kitchen?”

“I’ve got to get ready for work,” Shane declines.

“Call off. This isn’t a choice,” Marnie presses. Shane tensely nods, standing up and following the two to the kitchen table. When they sit, Marnie begins almost immediately. “Well, Shane, I’m sorry.”

“You’re what?” Shane’s eyes widen slightly. She’s sorry? For what? He’s the one who should be sorry. Sorry for being an asshole to her and Jas most of the time among other things.

“For not doing this soon enough. After a long discussion with Gus, I’ve considered, and I think I know what you need.”

Shane is about to argue that she doesn’t know anything, but holds his tongue as she continues.

“You need professional help. Counseling. Something of that sort.”

“What? No I don’t!”

“And why’s that?”

“I already told Gus! I’m a lost cause. You’d be wasting money. Can you even afford this? I can’t.,” Shane pleads, his heart racing. For whatever reason, the thought of getting counseling scares him beyond belief. He’s sure nothing will work, and if counseling doesn’t work as expected, it’ll just disappoint everyone all over again.

“Shane, honestly I’ll try anything. I don’t care about the cost. I care about you.”

“Why?” Shane feels frustration growing. “Is it because you have to? We’re family, so you’re forced to care?”

“Of course that’s part of it. But I also love you unconditionally, and Jas does too, and we want you to love yourself. Others are growing concerned for you as well.”

“Dammit, why? I don’t get it! It feels- it feels like everyone is just fucking with me!” Shane’s yelling only encourages Marnie to raise her voice as well.

“If we were fucking with you, do you really think it would be going on for this many years? Get a grip, Shane!”

“I’m waiting for everyone to go ‘just kidding’ already! I wish it would happen sometime soon!”

Marnie slams her hand on the table, the same thing she does every time a fight occurs. “Dammit, Shane! You dumbass, we care! Okay? Is it that hard to believe?! I’ve been trying to convince you for years! Why can’t you believe it?!”

In response, Gus rests his hand on Marnie’s arm, trying to calm her before anything escalates.

“It doesn’t make any damn sense!”

Marnie seems like she’s about to reply, but instead takes a deep breath. “Okay. You know what? You will go to counseling. I don’t care about the cost.”

“Hell no!”

“Why?!” her voice becomes sharp once again, but immediately she makes another effort to calm herself. 

“You know why.”

“Shane, you haven’t proven you don’t need it.”

“I-” he thinks back to Elle. His newest friend. He thinks back to how when he talked to her last night, the need for alcohol subsided tremendously. He thinks back to the small giddy feeling that formed when he was heading back inside. The little adrenaline boost at her laugh. He’s never felt like that since high school. His voice softens. “-I think things are really changing, Marnie.”

“What?” she questions.

“I made a friend for the first time in years. And last night I was talking to her and…” he trails off, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward. Naked in front of them.

A smile grows on Marnie’s face. “Shane, that’s wonderful… But… This still hasn’t proven you don’t need extra help.”

“I didn’t think of alcohol the entire time I talked to her. And-” he feels his face warming up admitting this all. “-And I…  _ Felt _ .”

Though a vague description, Marnie seems to understand what Shane means. “That’s also really great, but hun…”

His voice lowers. “Please, Marnie. I don’t want to go.”

Marnie casts a certain look towards Gus, as if asking with her eyes what to do. He gives a blank expression back, meaning he doesn’t know either. Marnie turns back to the pleading man, sighing and nodding her head slowly. “Okay. This is your last chance. I mean it. I’m hoping this woman will make it better. But remember she won’t completely solve things; you need to fight again too. If things don’t seem to get better… Enough to be able to take care of yourself… Then I’ll be sending you to a counselor. No questions asked.”

Shane nods graciously, glancing towards the clock. He still has time to get ready for work. He wordlessly heads back to his room to grab his coat, thinking about the conversation.

He definitely made it seem better than it really was. While it’s true he felt adrenaline due to a person rather than booze, and while it’s true he didn’t really think of alcohol when she was with him, he’s not buying the whole ‘things are really changing’ thing. 

Why?

He’s not always going to be with Elle. When he’s not with her, he thinks about drinking frequently.

He said he would  _ try  _ the friend thing. Truthfully, he doubts it’ll work out, no matter how much he hopes it will. Simply because he’s a piece of shit. An asshole of a friend. If he doesn’t understand why she wants to be friends, how is he supposed to believe she’s for real? The fear’s going to be there forever - that she’s just fucking with him for laughs and giggles.

Lastly, Shane is positive he’s just excited. The buzz will wear off and he’ll be back where he started. He, for the most part, just said what he thought would get him out of the whole counseling thing at the time. 

The one downside of this whole ordeal is now he has to try. Truly try. Try to take care of himself is already more than he can handle, but he’s sure he’s also expected to spend time with his family. He has to be a friend to Elle and be friendlier in general.

Worst of all, he can’t have any alcohol. The warm sips of the old beer from yesterday were his last tastes of the drink - at least they’re supposed to be. 

The entire situation makes him want to vomit. All that’s expected from him sounds like far too much in his opinion. Far more responsibility than he’s used to. 

Shane shakes his head in disbelief, heading out the door and past Marnie and Gus. 

This is life now; change.

Change is new. Daunting. 

Sometimes bad. Sometimes good.

Shane prays, though he doesn’t even believe in a god, as he walks towards Joja. Perhaps to calm his nerves. Perhaps to give himself hope that he’s so desperate to scavenge up.  _ “Let this be worth it. Let her be worth all the shit I’m doing. God damn, let this be the start of something worthwhile in my life.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeee turning point in the story! And I like how Marnie has quietly dropped the 'kicking out Shane' thing in exchange for counseling. Deep down, I don't think Marnie has the heart to kick out Shane... She'd be too worried about him. ANyWays- hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Also, currently this story has over 300 hits and a little over 30 kudos. That's surreal to me-- so-- just, thank you :')


	10. Chapter 10

Trying is way easier said than done when it doesn’t come natural.

When Shane gets to work, he questions what would qualify as trying and what wouldn’t. Should he start a conversation with Sam or stick to the usual interaction? Should he try to talk to customers and ask if they need help or keep to himself as always?

Needless to say, the entire ordeal creates anxiety for him. He’s uncertain about the smaller things he might be doing wrong, wondering if someone literally needs to go through basic social rules for him. He wants to give up on this all within the first hour of ‘trying’, but quickly reminds himself why he’s doing it in the first place.

To avoid a counselor.

Shane’s mind flashes to Elle, but he internally denies she’s part of why. That’d be silly, after all, I mean… Why would he start trying for Elle but not for his family’s sake? He’s certain he’s selfish, only doing all of this to get out of counseling and another dead end.

When lunch break rolls around, Shane heads outside and leans against the front of Joja. He had packed no food, but he doesn’t normally even eat anything for lunch anyways. Sam gains his attention as he walks outside with a garbage bag. He gives a small nod towards Shane, but doesn't say anything.

Try.

“Heya, Sam,” Shane waves, his voice sounding a bit on edge. In truth, he’s incredibly nervous. He doesn’t want anyone to make a big deal of him trying. He just wants this interaction to go okay, especially because he’s trying to display interest in life. Maybe if he pretends long enough that he gives a shit, he’ll start actually caring.

Sam hesitates to reply, a bit surprised. “Oh, hey, Shane. Need anything?”

Shane shrugs. “Just wanted to say hi. How’s your day going?”

Sam gives him a somewhat strange look, stopping what he was doing. “Uh… Not too bad. Kinda boring, it’s a bit slow today, isn’t it? What about you?”

“Not too shabby,” Shane shrugs, although that’s a lie. His throat is dry and he feels tense all over. Talking is way harder than he had remembered it to be. Despite planning on adding something to his response, he holds his tongue and gives Sam a small smile.

“Right, well, I’ve gotta get back to it.”

“Right.”

When Sam heads back inside after a few agonizing seconds of pure silence, Shane releases the breath he had been holding. All he can do is laugh to himself, “Holy shit, that was fucking awkward.”

When work gets out, Shane gets out of there as soon as he can. He’s been avoiding Sam just so he doesn’t feel obligated to talk to the guy, and honestly, he’s sure Sam doesn’t mind. The thought of beer to tame his anxious mind crosses through him, but he once again reminds himself he can’t.

But it’s really fucking hard to see the Stardrop Saloon in the distance. He’s positive the building is calling towards him, tempting him, and he can almost taste alcohol on his tongue. He hopes someone shows up and gets his mind off of it, because unfortunately, he’s not that strong. Besides, all he’s done differently today is talk to Sam, so it’s not like his entire world is changing. His habits aren’t old yet, making it way easier on his conscience if he took a detour there.

Gus is there, though, and that thought breaks him from the temptation. Gus wouldn’t serve him, he would just tell Marnie about it, then he’d have to go to counseling.

God fucking dammit.

Shane defeatedly heads straight home, knowing this is supposed to be a win for him. He’s supposed to be proud of himself or some shit, but all he can feel is his body already growing weary.

  
  
  
  
  


Marnie is at her desk when Shane gets home. She smiles at Shane and greets him, not bothering to check his breath, and Shane greets back as he heads to his room. Immediately, he collapses on his bed and sighs, letting the sheets overtake him. “Damn,” he chuckles to himself. “And I thought life was exhausting before. This is personal Hell.”

He’s not being hyperbolic - this is a form of torture to him. No alcohol, awkward conversation, bothering with shit he had originally deemed unimportant… This is too much at once. He’s supposed to feel better by now, right? Shouldn’t he be proud of himself for all he’s accomplished today? It feels like he hasn’t even accomplished anything of value today, yet Shane feels like he just ran a marathon.

“Shane!” Jas’ voice calls. She bursts into the room, eagerly climbing up on the bed and on top of him. 

“What?” he groans at all the weight being pushed onto his stomach, but doesn’t tell her to move.

“Marnie says you’ll swim in the lake with me!”

“I’ll do what!?” he sits up, leaving Jas to fall onto the bed next to him. 

“Come on!”

“Hey, I didn’t…” he’s about to say he didn’t agree to anything, but trails off upon seeing Jas pout. Damn kid. If he doesn’t do this, Marnie would assume he’s not ‘trying’ either. This is her way of testing if he’s really changing, isn’t it? “... Okay, fine.”

“Yay! I’ll go get into swim clothes,” Jas dashes off, leaving the man to curse under his breath. It’s one thing to be by the lake, but in it? He for one doesn't want to take off his shirt, which luckily he won’t have to… But the clothes will cling to his body and highlight the fat he’s usually able to conceal behind a baggy shirt and coat. 

That damn kid is going to be the death of him.

After a few minutes of laying around, he hears Jas’ calls for him to hurry, so he reluctantly sits up from the bed and slides his flip flops on. 

All Shane hopes is nobody sees them playing. Especially not someone like Elle… If she saw him in wet clothes, exposed in a way, he’s sure he would shrivel up on the spot. He believes nobody should be subject to seeing his disgusting body except himself.

For Jas, Shane puts on a happy face as she drags him towards the lake south of the ranch. To his advantage, it seems nobody else is there, and he feels himself exhaling in relief at this realization. 

This won’t be so bad. 

Jas immediately runs into the water, not sparing a moment to wait up for Shane. She dips her head underwater, then turns back towards the man, her hair dripping wet. “Hurry up, gramps!” she calls.

“Oh, you’ll pay for that!” Shane calls back, kicking off his flip flops. He slides off his coat and drops it aside, running into the water before he can hesitate. Jas playfully shrieks as he picks her up, then throws her into the water.

“Hey, no fair!” she whines. “You’re way stronger than me!”

“Not by much, kiddo,” he grins. “But here, you can knock me over.” Shane sinks lower into the water so that he’s sitting, then allows Jas to dunk him into the water so she doesn’t complain. 

The two take turns splashing each other in the water for a while until Jas gets tired enough to sit at the shoreline. Shane joins her, laying down, and even forgetting about how concerned he was with his clothes getting wet. The first time today he’s been relatively carefree.

Try.

Shane decides he should try another time to display interest. This time will be a bit easier considering it’s Jas of all people.

“So, kid. How’s school going for you?”

Jas lays down next to him, cuddling into his arms for warmth. “Good! My teacher says I’m smart.”

“She tells the truth, ya know,” he affectionately ruffles her hair, to which she pokes at his side to get him to stop.  “Make any new friends?”

Jas stays silent, her mouth forming into a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Shane asks, concern growing. He hopes nobody is bringing her down at school.

“Well, I haven’t really made any friends,” she admits. “It’s harder than I thought. I wish Vincent was in my class.”

Shane knows all too well how hard it can be to make friends. Even with Elle, who’s more than happy to talk to him. “Hey, look: You’ll find some people who’ll want to be your friend. If someone wants to be friends with me, then I’m certain a hundred people would want to be friends with you. And until then, Marnie and I are there.”

“Did you make a new friend?” Jas curiously asks, changing the subject.

Shane sheepishly glances away, regretting bringing up any of it. It’s still surreal, almost impossible to him that Elle is that hellbent on spending time with him. He almost feels embarrassed for her. “Actually, yeah, I did.”

“Who are they?!” Jas sits up from his arms, smiling excitedly at him.

“Do  _ not  _ make a big deal of it, but her name is Elle.”

“It’s a ‘her’? Is she pretty? Wait - would she want to play dress up sometime?!”

“Calm down, kid,” Shane laughs. “I’m not answering the first question, but maybe one of these days you two can meet. I don’t know.”

“What does she look like?”

Shane envisions Elle in his mind, knowing fully well Jas is just trying to figure out if she’s pretty since he had avoided the question. “Blonde hair that goes down to about the middle of her back. Blue eyes. Dimples. She’s pretty skinny as well.” He smiles at the thought of her, feeling a bit embarrassed about how much he realizes he remembers about her appearance.

“You're smiling!  So she  _ is  _ pretty!” Jas exclaims.

“Why does it matter?” he chuckles.

“No reason!” she answers, although he can tell she’s lying. He’ll let it slide this time, hoping he’ll be spared and the subject will change soon.

Luckily, Marnie shows up a few minutes after Elle is brought up. She calls Jas for dinner, offering for Shane to come, but he declines. He just wants to be alone for a little while by the lake. Marnie allows him, trusting he won’t do anything she doesn’t approve of, so he sprawls out on the sand with his coat on top of him as a blanket. 

Finally. Alone.

He’s had a big day, and now that nobody is here to distract him, his mind wants to wander. He practically forces himself to focus on the sound of the water swaying side to side, just so he doesn’t think about anything that’ll wear him down ever further.

He thinks of Elle, but that’s not anything new, now is it?

Not only that, he thinks of what Jas had said about her. That she’s pretty. Before he can think any further about it, he sighs and covers his face with his coat, internally slapping himself. He doesn’t notice her appearance, right? Right. Pretty? Why should he care? Right?

The coat is suddenly ripped from over his face, and he jumps as Elle’s eyes meet his. “Scared you,” she grins. He immediately notices everything he was able to ignore earlier about himself; the fabric of his clothes clinging to his overweight body, his double chin that’s especially prominent with his head tilted down, and his dirty hair filled with sand. God, how does Elle stand to look at him? He realizes he had been staring off and focuses his eyes away, taking his coat back and putting it on. “Woah, not even a ‘hi’?”

“Sorry,” he glances at her as he lays back down, smiling only because her smile is contagious.

She sits down next to him and sinks her hands into the sand. “So, what’re you doing here?”

“Jas wanted to swim, so I played with her in the lake. She went home, but I wanted to stay for a while.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” she points out. “How’d your day go?”

He shrugs, not quite used to someone other than Marnie asking stuff like this.

“You can be honest if it was shitty,” she adds.

“It was shitty. I’m supposed to be trying to change and stuff, but I’m exhausted already.”

“Oh, yeah?” Elle lays down in the sand next to him. “At least you’re trying. It’s bound to get easier.”

“Yeah,” he agrees idly, hoping the subject will pass. “What about you?”

“It’s better now,” she smiles. All Shane can think in response is something along the lines of, ‘what the hell does that mean?’ I mean, what is she trying to say? Why now? Better now that she’s with him? Shit like that confuses the hell out of him. “You wanna swim?”

“What?” Shane sits up again, hoping he heard her wrong. Hoping that he won’t have to go into the water with her.

“I came by to swim, but saw you and decided to say hi. I still wanna swim. Come on!”

“I-I don’t know…” he trails off.

“Aw, please!.. Oh shit, wait, I’m sorry, you don’t have to.” Realization flashes through Elle’s eyes, and Shane guesses that perhaps she considered he’s too exhausted to swim… But god damn, he hates to admit he secretly wants to. He just doesn’t want Elle to have to look at him.

“ _ Okay _ , I’ll go. I’m kinda cold out of the water anyways,” he reluctantly takes off his coat, wanting to wrap his arms around his body to hide it.

The things he’ll do for Elle.

Elle beams, taking off her shirt to reveal a swimsuit underneath. Shane immediately averts his eyes, running into the water before she could see his face.

Red.

Because god damn, she’s beautiful. Curves in all the right places. He feels strange thinking about her like that, almost like he doesn’t have the privilege to find her attractive. Jas was right and he can’t deny it any longer - she’s always been stunning to him, and he’s always noticed. He just didn’t want to.

And now he feels like he’s in highschool again; just taking quick peaks at someone he finds attractive. He hasn’t found a girl particularly beautiful since highschool either.

It’s just not like him to feel like this because of people or even take note of appearance, and the feeling makes him even more anxious than he already is. It’s one thing to compare himself to Sam’s physique, putting himself down for being unhealthy, but this is a whole different thing he can’t quite make sense of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOoooo~ 
> 
> We knew he always thought Elle was attractive though, right? Hehe--
> 
> Also side note, I'm going to just update once a week! Sorry! I'm starting school next week and while I love this story, I don't want to neglect school trying to update it on time. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter ;)


	11. Chapter 11

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Shane glances towards Elle in the water. They’ve been swimming together for a couple of hours now, the two growing consistently more tired, but neither of them wanting to leave yet. Shane shrugs. “Just thinking.”

“No duh,” Elle lightly nudges him, so light in fact he couldn’t even feel it. “About what?”

He doesn’t know how to admit he’s thinking about how he’s going to feel once Elle leaves for the night. Shitty. He won’t have any distractions from his thoughts any longer. He’s thinking about how tomorrow, he’s going to have to wake up and try to keep, well, trying. “Just… I don’t know.”

“You alright?” her voice softens.”You can talk to me about it.” She already knows the answer, though.

“No,” he shakes his head. He doesn’t add on, growing embarrassed to admit anything to Elle once again. This time, there’s no chickens except himself.

“Is it the same stuff?”

He sighs, more thoughts popping into his head. Has he been good to Elle so far? He can’t even tell - Elle’s been the one checking up on him, but he feels he hasn’t done nearly the same. Has he just ruined the good mood between the two? “It’s more like… I don’t feel up to par with how you treat me.”

“What, would you rather I treat you badly?”

“Well, no… But kinda… In a weird sense. Do I treat you badly? I feel like I don’t consider your feelings as much as you do mine…”

“Shane,” she laughs. “We’ve been friends for like, a little over a day. Calm down. I consider yours more because you seem to struggle more. You’ve been fine.”

He nods solemnly, feeling stupid for worrying about it after so little time has passed.

“God, how much stuff do you worry about in there?” she motions towards his head.

“Lately, a lot more than I used to.”

She nods understandingly. “Well, don’t worry too much about me. I like you.”

He smiles at hearing that from Elle herself, and it’s more reassuring than he could have imagined. Those words make him feel a strange feeling inside - giddy? He can’t figure it out, so he gives up on trying to make some sense of it for now. “I like you too.”

“Do my ears deceive me?” Elle teases. “Did I hear that right? Maybe you should say it again!”

He rolls his eyes, an unintentional grin across his face. “Elle, I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“This is monumental!”

“I thought we were having a sentimental moment,” Shane chuckles.

“It was getting too sappy. Come on!” Elle rushes towards the shore, her tanned legs revealed from under the water. “We should build a sand castle!”

Shane follows her, putting his coat on once he’s out of the water, then sits down on the hot sand. She’s already begun expertly piling up sand, giving the impression that perhaps she’s made one before. 

As the man helps, he can’t stop himself from taking occasional glances at her face. She just seems so unbelievably carefree, while at the same time full of concern, that he’s left dumbstruck. How does she do it? He can’t be carefree at times and full of worry at others; it’s always black and white. Always one or the other for long periods of time. Carefree only with the aid of alcohol, carefree due to just not having it in him to give a shit about anything, or full of anxiety for weeks on end.

Needless to say, though he hasn’t even quite realized it, she’s amazed him on several occasions.

  
  
  
  
  


Shane heads home at about midnight, feeling strangely less burnt out than before. Like Elle had given him some energy. It’s bizarre to him how his mood lifts when she’s around, and he wonders why. Why Elle? 

Of course, she doesn’t make everything go away. Intrusive thoughts still gnaw at his mind whether she’s there or not… It’s just not as bad with her. 

Marnie is at the kitchen table when he arrives home, a cup of tea in her hand. She frowns at Shane as he walks in. “Where were you?” she sounds on edge, perhaps guessing he was drinking.

“At the lake.”

“This entire time?”

Shane sighs and sits down across from the accusatory woman. “Yep. I was with a friend.”

“The same one you mentioned earlier? Tell me about them.”

“Okay…” he hesitates, afraid he’ll be ridiculed. “But don’t make a big deal.”

Marnie nods, waiting for him to proceed.

“Her name is Elle. I don’t know too much about her, but she’s not from Pelican Town. We swam together today after Jas left and talked for a while.”

“Aww,” Marnie coos. “You better treat her right! Is she nice?”

“I’m trying,” Shane gives a small smile. “And yes, she’s really nice.”

“Someday you should bring her over. She can try my pie! And I’m sure Jas would love to meet her!”

“I told Jas about her and she got crazy excited. But yes, assuming I don’t fuck anything up, at some point I’ll bring her over.”

Marnie glowers at the man when he mentions fucking things up. “Shane, I’m sure you won’t screw things up. She sounds lovely - and if you do mess up, it’s not like you won’t be forgiven.”

“If I do mess up, I’m gonna feel like I don’t deserve forgiveness,” Shane confesses, images of him clutching an empty beer bottle flashing through his mind. He shakes his head in an attempt to clear his mind. 

Marnie stands up and walks over to the man, wrapping her loving arms around him. He leans into her embrace, feeling the same love he felt after he had dumped out the beer. The same compassion that made him feel less of a burden, like she doesn’t need to do this but rather chose to. 

Somehow, hugs like those do more than her words ever have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a smaller chapter published a little earlier than normal! The story is /really/ going to kick into gear after this one ;)
> 
> Also I hope Elle and Shane's conversations are doing okay. For some reason I always get a bit nervous when they talk a lot... I don't want my inability to hold a conversation to reflect on characters that can (or should be able to).
> 
> Lastly- a little over 40 kudos i- :') i love you guys <3


	12. Chapter 12

Three weeks sober.

Nearly the longest Shane has ever been without beer.

And Lord, does he crave some. There are only a few reasons why he’s gotten this far. For one, the Stardrop Saloon no longer serves him any booze, and if he comes in wanting some, Marnie will find out. Other than that, Elle has been spending nearly every evening after work with him, making sure he’s staying good. When he’s not with Elle or at work, Marnie makes sure to keep him busy, and while he gets burnt out fairly easily with his packed schedule, he’s not sure which is better; a packed schedule full of distraction or a free one full of tempting thoughts. 

In the long run, he’ll stick with the packed schedule. 

Throughout the three weeks, he’s gone through different short phases due to being away from alcohol. At first, it was just intense anxiety. He was sure he’d mess things up, and since he didn’t have beer to calm himself, it only added to his nerves. He had to adjust to the new lifestyle, and that filled him with fear to the very brim. This anxiety translated into irritability, leading onto the next phase, which was often accidentally lashing out quite frequently. Anger. It was short lived due to guilt, mostly when he had yelled at Elle, which brings us to the next and current phase. Sadness.

None of the feelings are necessarily new to Shane. In the past, when he wasn’t feeling completely numb to everything, he was typically stuck in one of the three phases mentioned, or even all at once. 

Bottom line is, Shane is really fucking sad. On the thin line between the intense sadness depression had brought at first and feeling completely nothing again. He can feel himself being easier to wear out, easier to give up on somewhat simple tasks, and easier to cry, just like how he used to be a bit back. Even Elle hasn’t helped as much as she used to, though she is still one of the only remedies for his bad moods. 

When Shane gets off work, he takes the trail home and decides on taking a nap when he arrives at his room. He hasn’t showered in about a week, knowing Marnie will scold him for not staying clean, but a shower sounds more dreadful than even her yelling.

Unfortunately, when he gets home, Marnie sits at her desk and stops him before he can retreat to his bed. “Heya, Shane. Don’t eat dinner here.”

“Why?” he questions.

“Jodi asked us over. All of us. She’s Sam and Vincent’s mom if you don’t remember.”

Shane tries to hide his face scrunching up with apprehension, but Marnie catches on.

“Aw, come on, Shane. It’s just for dinner. Besides, you know Sam!”

“Know. It’s not like we really hang out.”

“Well, you’re hanging out today. You missed my point, anyways. I’m saying you’re not going to have to meet new people.”

Shane sighs, then gives a sad smile. “Fine.”

“Make sure to shower! I’ve got to run a couple of errands with Jas, but we’ll be back before seven.”

Shane’s already somewhat sour mood only increases with the mention of showering, but he keeps the extra attitude inside so he doesn’t hurt anyone. He trudges to his room and falls onto his bed, exhaling greatly in exhaustion. Hoorah, more awkward small talk is to come.

After he hears Marnie and Jas leave, Shane forces himself to get up and take a shower. The act of taking a shower, while isn’t his favorite, isn’t exactly the problem. It’s just that he’ll be exposed, naked, and he’ll have to see his bare body. Needless to say, he’s proven to have quite a grudge against his appearance. 

“Let’s just get this over with,” Shane mumbles to himself, unsure if he’s referring to the shower or the entire evening. Probably the latter.

The man has a notable track record of refusing to perform even the basics of hygiene, so he decides to go all out this once and not only take a shower, but also brush his teeth. He laughs bitterly to himself as he thinks of the night with Elle in which she found out he doesn’t typically brush them; how does she stand him?

A part of him hopes Elle shows up and comes with him to dinner. To make everything more bearable. But he doubts she’ll come by. Lately, he’s been a bit distant due to his moodiness, and he can tell she’s been trying to be cautious. He feels like an asshole for being this way, but it’s not like he can prevent his irritability in this situation.

When Shane gets out of the shower, he hurries to dress, then dries his hair with a towel and fluffs it out. Catching a glance in the mirror, he can tell it’s a mess, but neglects to tame his hair with a comb.

Shane heads back to his room and plops down on his bed, switching his tv on and grabbing a remote control. There’s no time to nap anymore, so might as well play video games instead. His mind involuntarily lands on Elle, remembering she also likes video games, and he sighs as he runs his hands through his hair. She’s always somehow on his mind.

A tap at the window startles Shane, making him jump back, and he instinctively heads over to the window to see what it was. His guess is a tree branch or even just an animal, but to his surprise, a woman’s face is smiling widely at him. He stares back with confusion, unlocking the window and sliding it up. “Hey stalker, there’s a front door, ya know. How’d you find my room anyways?”

“You wouldn’t have answered the front door. And when I was walking by, I saw you and decided to visit,” she simply replies. And she’s right, he would have pretended he’s not home.

“Damn. Got me there. Whatcha need?”

“You have time to hang out?”

Shane shrugs and checks the time. “I’ve got a dinner date at seven, but I’m free until then.”

“A dinner date?” she questions. “With who?”

“With Sam.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you, uh…” she gives an awkward smile, and Shane’s eyes light up.

“Oh shit, no,” he laughs. “I was  _ joking.  _ My family is having dinner with him and his family. This is not a  _ date _ date.”

Elle laughs too, looking away with a hint of embarrassment. “Right. Oops. Anyways, may I come in?”

Shane glances around his room, taking in the garbage and piles of laundry that have overtaken his floor. “I mean, my room gives off the same effect of a dumpster. You into dumpster diving?”

“Count me in,” she grins. “Do I enter via the window or front door?”

“Front door typically, but if you enter through the window I think it’d be more entertaining,” Shane backs up a little, giving her room if she seriously climbs in through the window.

“Well, I am one to put on a show,” she smirks, raising her leg up and fitting it through. Shane slides the window up more for her, unable to keep his eyes off of her charming smile as she fits the rest of the way in.

“Welcome to my room. If you want I can give you a tour.”

“Let’s see what tour guide Shane has to offer,” Elle beams at him. He adores it; he adores her. The fact she’s so comfortable with him, yet they realistically don’t know each other real well. I mean, she just climbed through a window for him. He just doesn’t like to admit or even acknowledge how enticing her humor, and well, everything about her is.

“Well, over there is my bed,” he points to the left corner of the room. “And then there’s… My piles of garbage. It’s for the aesthetic, you know?”

“Right. Dumpster aesthetic,” she nods.

“Yep. And then my dresser, tv, and… That wraps up the tour. Any questions?”

“What games do you have?” she points to the game controller on his bed.

“I play Code Sultan XL with Jas a lot. Why, you wanna play?”

“Oh, hell yeah!” Elle sits down on the bed, waiting for him to follow. He smiles down at her, then faces the tv and starts up the video game. “Your hair’s wet,” she points out. “And very fluffy.” 

“I showered. Had to clean up for tonight. I even brushed my teeth!”

“Aww, you’re a big boy now,” she coos.

He laughs lightly. “Yeah, yeah… That is kind of an accomplishment for me, though…”

“And I’m unironically proud,” she responds. “Anyways, are we gonna play or what?”

He plugs in another controller, then sits on the floor in front of Elle. They duel each other for a while, Shane not having to go easy for once, until about half an hour has passed.

When they finish up playing, Elle lays down on the bed, motioning for Shane to come closer. He obliges, making sure to keep his distance, and sits against the wall on the bed.

“Hey, Shane?” she says after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah?”

“How’re you doing? I mean, considering everything… I’ve just noticed you’ve been kind of on edge these past few weeks.”

“It kind of feels like nothing is under my control,” he explains. “I’m sorry if I’ve ever upset you, though.”

“It’s fine.”

“Hey, uh…” Shane pauses. “Do you wanna go to that dinner with me tonight? I don’t really know anyone there too well. It’ll spare me some awkward conversation.”

Elle winces. “I can’t.”

“Oh…” he feels a lump growing in his throat. Embarrassment, regret. Why the hell would she want to go to some dinner with him? He should have known.

“It’s not like that…” she notices the humiliation filling his face.

“No, no, it’s fine,” he gives a weak smile. Maybe it’s the fact he was already sad before this, but he feels like crying. Regardless, he tries to play it off as indifference and keeps any tears inside. 

“Shane, you look like a lost puppy,” she frowns. “It’s not you, if that’s what you’re worried about - I’m busy tonight. I came by earlier than I normally do so I could see you.”

“Right,” he nods, but there’s still this aching feeling in his chest that’s telling him somehow, it’s him. It’s always there, to be honest - the feeling she actually hates him… But things like these just make it worse.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I mean… I do… But also…”

Elle sits up and scoots closer to Shane. “You dummy - not really -, you think it's an excuse, don’t you?”

“Maybe I do.”

“It’s not. I’d totally go with you if I could.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe that you’re busy…” he sucks in his breath, tensing up at the realization that he’s opening up even more. “... It’s just that little part of me that’s sure someone like you can’t possibly want to do stuff like that with someone like me.”

“Someone like me? What am I like to you?”

He moves his gaze to the opposite direction, refusing to meet eye contact. What hole did he dig himself into? How much is she gonna get out of him?

“Who’s someone like me?”

“You know, you’re…” Shane runs his hands through his hair nervously, hating how much she affects him. “Uh, anyways…”

“You totally dodged that question,” she laughs and nudges him. He laughs a little too, sweat running down his forehead. God, she makes him so damn nervous sometimes. It’s unfair. “Anyway, I’m really sorry I can’t go. I’ll buy you dinner someday to make up for it.”

“No, no, you don’t have to do that.”

“Oh, but I will. Anyways, I’ve got to go, actually… But I’m glad I came by,” she stands up and Shane does the same. 

“Me too…”

To his surprise, Elle wraps her arms around him. Her touch is gentle as always, almost a phantom of a touch because it’s so light. He hugs back, savoring her because he feels something unique whenever she’s close to him like this. Like his body is on lockdown and for a split second, his brain shuts off, and the intrusive thoughts shut off too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Extra update this week since yesterday's was such a short chapter. This one has some of that sweet sweet lil fluff between Shane and Elle.. When she thought he was going on a date with Sam lmao-- oOps
> 
> Also today was my first day of high school.. yeah I'm a young little freshman at the time of writing this :|. It was lowkey scary but anYways- hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	13. Chapter 13

“Let’s just get this over with,” Shane grumbles under his breath as he walks with his family on the trail to Sam’s house. Jas, who wears her favorite purple dress for the occasion, skips ahead of the two, and it seems only Marnie had heard what he said.

“Aw, it won’t be that bad. You can probably get away with hanging out with Jas.”

“If I’m lucky. I’m an adult, but I’m not very good at talking to other people my age. They’re gonna expect me to talk like one.”

“I know, hun. I’ll help you all I can tonight. Don’t stress too much about it.”

Though Shane is tempted to make another cynical remark, he keeps his mouth shut as Jas’ pace slows down to match theirs. He just wishes Elle was here to calm him down - she can in ways Marnie could never. Or he could go to dinner with her instead of all these unfamiliar people. 

Unfortunately, that isn’t an option. He has to endure this.

The rest of the walk there is filled with silence, each of the family members lost in their own thoughts. Shane can feel himself growing even more nervous as they near the house, wondering if they’ll patronize him or not. Is that acceptable to do? Criticize the incompetent guests that you welcome into your home? He doesn’t even know anymore. His entire life, he’s had an incredible lack of social awareness in settings like these, and that shines through especially now.

Marnie knocks on the door, Jas standing behind her. She’s holding Shane’s hand, and he wonders if she did it to help herself or him. Jodi opens the door wearing a plum dress, braided hair, and a welcoming smile. She opens the door wider for Marnie, smiles at Jas, and gives a small nod towards Shane. “Hey! Glad you could make it! Come on in and sit at the table.”

The three head inside, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Shane sits in between Marnie and Jas, while on the other side of Jas sits Vincent. Across from the four are Sam and Jodi. Shane nervously fidgets with his hands in his lap as Jodi sets down plates of fried fish. “I hope everyone likes fish!” she smiles. 

“Yes, ma’am! I haven’t had fish in a long time,” Marnie responds with just as much enthusiasm. By now, Vincent and Jas are talking, so he can’t resort to her to calm himself. Though Shane does enjoy fish, he doesn’t have much of an appetite for any food. 

He could kill for a beer right about now. 

All he’s really had lately has been sparkling water, but that just doesn’t do it for him.

But beer? That would calm him.

Jodi’s voice fills the silence that had taken place. “So, what does everyone want to drink? I have water, soda, and wine for the adults.”

Shane’s stomach drops at the mention of wine. He feels Marnie shoot a look at him to stay strong, but he feels himself only tense up even more.

“I’ll take some water,” Marnie smiles. “Shane will too.”

Shane exhales slightly, worried that if he opened his mouth, the word ‘wine’ would come out involuntarily. The kids and Sam ask for soda, and Jodi says she’ll just get wine for herself. A few minutes later, she comes back with drinks and hands everyone what they ordered.

And now the real fun begins; small talk.

As Shane works on the piece of fish overtaking his plate, Jodi is the first to speak. “So, how has everyone been?”

“I’ve been pretty good,” Marnie answers first. “Business has been going well lately.”

“I’ve been pretty good as well,” Sam adds, mostly talking to the others than his mom. She already knows what’s happening in his life, after all. “I’m going to head to college soon.”

College, huh? That sounds like Sam. Shane feels a twinge of something negative in his gut - envy?

“And you, Shane?” Jodi asks. 

He shrugs. “I’ve been fine I guess.” It seems he’s supposed to add onto why he’s been fine, but he doesn’t know what else to say. He hasn’t really been fine, more of barely keeping his head over water, but it feels inappropriate for him to bitch about it here. 

“Oh yeah? What’ve you been doing lately?”

Can’t they talk about literally anything else? It might be more interesting that way. “Working. And playing with Jas. The other day we played video games together.”

Jodi nods. “That’s sweet.”

“I guess.” 

Thank goodness, the conversation falls away from Shane, allowing him to zone out for a while. He works on more of the fish in silence, his heart beating erratically every time he suspects someone might try to talk to him again. 

Shane finds himself wishing Elle were here - she would have talked to him and kept his mind preoccupied. She would have probably grabbed his hand from under the table in an attempt to calm him, or just…  _ Something.  _ Elle is bolder than he is, hell, she would know exactly what to do and say. But him? He knows next to nothing. 

Unfortunately, after a while, his heartbeat is right. Jodi talks to him again. “So, Shane. I don’t know you real well. What do you plan to do in the future? As far as I know, you’ve been working at Joja this entire time.”

Oh, that dreaded question. He knows ‘dead’ is not an option in this situation, so he finds himself choking up. “Uh, well… I don’t know.”

Jodi’s face scrunches up a split second with… Well, he can’t tell what the look means. Confusion? Contempt? “Well, there must be something.”

What the hell does he do? He fucking knew Jodi and maybe even Sam would have expectations for him. To be something. He’s god damn trying to just live each day, who gives two shits about his nonexistent future? “Nope.”

“Have you considered college?”

Who does she think she is, his mom? “Not really…”

“Oh.”

That response finally breaks him. The simple ‘oh’ had underlying meaning. Disappointment. Disdain. Almost like, ‘why the hell not, huh? What’s wrong with you?!’

“I uh- I need to use the bathroom,” Shane says before anyone can damage him any further. Sam tells him where it is, so he speeds off in that direction, walks inside, shuts the door, then locks it and slides to the ground. 

“God dammit,” he mutters, frustration building. “Shane, why can’t you think about your future? Shane, why can’t you be something? Shane, why can’t you do something actually meaningful with your time?” the man continues to quietly mock all the people that say shit against him, tears building up in his eyes. He stands back up and hunches over the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. “Shane, why can’t you…” he trails off, blinking away tears. “Why can’t you just be normal? Huh? Is it that fucking hard? Just be fucking normal!”

What was meant to be mocking others has turned into him hating himself. Hating how everyone sees him, and how it’s his own damn fault. 

“Nobody wants you around, you useless shit. God dammit,” he sinks deeper into what he’s been trying to avoid for the past few weeks; a breakdown. “Nothing can change that you’ve wasted your entire life. Nothing. Nothing can change the fact that you don’t have a future - you don’t have  _ shit _ .” So this is how low he’s gotten - hating himself in Sam’s bathroom. Shane finds himself needing to vomit, whether it be from the anxiety or sickening amount of self loathing in the air, so he throws himself to the toilet and lets it all out. Along with the vomit comes more and more quiet tears, making him also cough from how disgusted he is.

He can’t go back out there, or else he’d just lose it again. He can’t stay in here forever. He left his phone uncharged at home, so he can’t text Marnie or anything.

Honestly, climbing out the window doesn’t sound half bad. 

Shane gets up and turns on the sink. He splashes cold water onto his face, trying desperately to collect himself enough to think clearly. Of course, the man never thinks clearly, does he? He’s always riddled with depressive thoughts, anxiety, or a longing for beer. Is his mind ever out of the gutter?

“Shane?” Marnie’s voice calls from the other side of the door.

“Marnie,” he blankly responds.

“Are you okay in there?”

“Not really.”

“What do you need right now?”

Shane’s surprised by the question. He’s used to hearing about what Marnie and Jas need; he needs to get himself together for  _ them _ . He needs to stop drinking for  _ them _ . 

What does  _ he  _ need?

“I need to get out of here. Out of The Valley for a bit. Do you mind if I borrow your car? I swear on my life I won’t drink - I just… I need to get out.” Yeah. He needs to get away from all the pressure. 

“Okay. You can borrow the car. Just… Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“I won’t. Thank you.”

Marnie informs him when everyone is out of the kitchen, so he takes the opportunity to rush outside. He practically sprints home, needing to get away from everyone here who’s looked down upon him. And he can do that for the most part... But he can’t get away from himself.

When Shane gets home, he realizes, like a dumbass, he doesn’t have the keys to get in the house… Which he needs to get the car keys. He remembers the window he lifted open for Elle earlier and hurries to the back of the house. Fortunately, still open… But he doesn’t exactly have Elle’s skinny body that could fit inside. “Well, this is gonna be fun,” he grumbles. 

“What is?”

Shane’s head snaps to the all too familiar woman - Elle. “Elle? The hell you doing here? Didn’t you have plans?” So, was it his fault she said no, then?

“Had. They were cancelled,” she frowns. “I really should have known, though. I should have gone with you instead.”

Shane doesn’t pry for more information, just nodding to show he sympathizes. “Well, now that you’re here, could you go inside and unlock the front door?”

“Locked out of the house? Where’s Marnie?” she asks as she approaches the window.

“I left the dinner thing. It was shit.”

“Does that mean I can take you out to dinner, then?”

“Only if I choose where… I could go for comfort food right about now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could have given my Shane a hug when he was in the bathroom :(   
> Anyway, I hit 50 kudos! Thank you guys so much :') Everytime I update I'm always excited as well as terrified to see what you guys think, so I'm super happy I'm getting that much kudos. Have a good week!


	14. Chapter 14

Classic rock blares through the car, quiet enough to allow Shane and Elle to think, but loud enough where neither of them can talk. It was the first station that didn’t give Shane a headache, and Elle doesn’t seem to mind the music either. What she does mind, though, is that Shane is still upset. After a few minutes of him driving, she shuts off the music. “Shane? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Could I just vent to you? Just - don’t say a word until I finish?”

“Go ahead. If I try to speak, you can tell me shut up.”

“Thank you,” he sighs. “God dammit.”

Elle watches him from the seat next to his, analyzing the man’s appearance. He notices this of course, and just gives a half hearted smile. 

This time, Shane has reached the point of apathy as to how much Elle knows. He’s so worked up that he’d rather she know everything and think him pathetic than continue to keep it inside. “So, I already suck at being an adult. I already suck at like, anything with people. But I had to go to that damn dinner. And as expected, it went to shit. Jodi kept asking about shit I can’t afford to think about. My future. College. She said there must be something, but there’s fucking nothing in store for me. I went to the bathroom and cried. Called myself mean shit - all truths, though - then threw up. Marnie asked what I needed so I got the hell out of there.” He grips the steering wheel tightly as he thinks about it all.

Elle stays silent, waiting for him to go on.

“So yeah. I feel so pathetic. I couldn’t make it through one dinner. One fucking gathering. Jodi offered wine and I was afraid if I spoke, I’d say I’d want one. Just… How the hell do you do it, Elle?”

“Do what?” she asks, assuming it wasn’t rhetorical. 

“How do you talk to me? I had no idea what to do the entire dinner. It seems like you always know what to do and say with me.”

“I don’t, Shane,” she murmurs. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, I just wing it and hope it works out. But it’s more natural talking to you than other people, I guess.”

“I try to wing it, but I get shitted on.”

Elle doesn’t respond, causing a lingering silence to fill the air. Shane sighs and uses one hand to push hair out of his eyes and fidget with the strands, a nervous habit he’s picked up. He keeps his hand there and rests his elbow on the car door, his head tilted to lean against his hand. 

“Shane, it’s not your fault,” Elle says.

“It is, Elle. The reason my life is shit is because I made it this way.”

“No, it’s not your fault today went bad. Jodi asked questions she probably shouldn’t have. It was better you left than stay there - and hey! You didn’t drink any wine!”

“Because Marnie got water before I could say anything.”

“Can you just accept your wins for the day?” she begs. “Please?”

Shane glances towards her, the corner of his mouth lifting up when they meet eyes. “Fine. Only for you. I didn’t drink today.”

“And?”

“And I left before it got worse.”

“And?”

“You’re killing me,” Shane chuckles. “And now I’m having dinner with my friend.”

“Your really cool friend?”

“I wouldn’t go  _ that  _ far.”

“Dickhead,” she nudges him. 

He laughs. “You’re the one who came with me.”

“You’re the one who didn’t tell me to fuck off.”

“If I told you my life was in danger and you needed to stay away, you’d still show up at my window,” he teases.

“End of discussion.”

After the atmosphere lightens in the car, Shane feels a bit of a weight leave his stomach. This is more natural to him than some dinner with people he barely knows. This feels… Like it should be this way, and it blows his mind because there’s no way he deserves to feel so at peace as he is right now. Just him, Elle, and the road. She can make the shitty memories of the evening go away for a while.

Shane ends up stopping at a pizza place near what he recalls to be Zuzu City. He tells Elle to stay in the car and he’ll be right back, and she obliges. He heads inside and is relieved to see there are no other customers inside.

Fuck. Is Elle vegetarian? He doesn’t even know. Well, Shane doesn’t want to order something she won’t eat, but what does she prefer? He really should have asked. Dumbass.

Shane ends up ordering a cheese pizza, not wanting to risk buying something she won’t eat. He buys two bottles of water as well, realizing she might get thirsty, then walks back to the car. He opens the door and smiles at the woman, who is messing with the radio. Elle turns it off when he starts to speak. “I got a cheese pizza since I didn’t know what you liked. And water.”

“Sounds good! I’ll pay you back.”

“You don’t have to,” he says as he climbs into the car.

“Oh, but I do. I told you I’d take you out for dinner.”

Against his wishes, she hands him a ten dollar bill and they begin eating in the car.

  
  
  
  


A little over half a pizza later, Shane is once again driving. He doesn’t know where the hell he’s going, but it doesn’t matter to him nor to Elle. In fact, right now nothing much matters to either of them, they seem both at peace and truly just living in the moment. 

Shane couldn’t live in this way - free of his mind for just a little while - without her.

“So, Elle, I realized that I have nearly no clue who you are. I know your first name, you’re not from Pelican Town, you play videogames and like nature, and that your plans were cancelled tonight,” Shane, for once, starts conversation.

“Are we playing the question game again?”

Shane sighs. “I guess so, but give me easier questions to answer this time.”

“No problem. You go first to ask me.”

Shane smiles at the woman, trying to figure out which question to ask first. “What were your plans for tonight?”

Elle shrugs. “To hang out with you, duh.”

“Damn, you know what I meant.”

“It was to hang out with a friend, but they ghosted me,” she frowns. “Never showed up, left me on read. I don’t know what I did.”

“That’s a loss on their part, to be honest,” Shane tries to cheer her up. He hates seeing her upset more than he used to. “I mean, come on, you’re probably the kindest person I know.”

“Really?”

Shane’s eyes widen a tiny bit, realizing he’s confessing things he didn’t intend to... And it could only lead to more questions on similar topics. “Uh, yeah.”

“My turn to ask a question. How old are you?”

“You better not call me gramps,” he warns lightheartedly. “30.”

“Really? I thought you were younger.”

“Nope, I’m old. Well, kinda… I guess I feel old,” Shane sighs, thinking about everyone younger than him who has accomplished more than he has in his entire life. “My turn. Why did you first talk to me? The day we met? I still can’t figure out why you would bother.”

Elle stays silent, considering the question. “Well… I’ve been going on late night walks around here for a while now. It’s peaceful. And I saw you come from the bar late every night… But that night you stopped at the dock and cried, so I decided maybe I could help.”

The man blushes thinking about all the states she’s probably seen him in. Was she there when he couldn’t even walk, and so Marnie had to try and carry him home? Or when he was particularly angry and yelled at people on his way home? “Oh shit. You must think I’m pathetic, huh?”

“No? Should I?”

He sighs once again. “Come on, Elle. You know you should. I cry all the time and don’t have anything to show for myself. Can’t maintain anything except a deadend job, and even that I barely can manage.”

“There you go again,” Elle glares at him. “Always saying bad shit. It’s my turn. What are three good things you can say about yourself? Be honest. It can be anything as long as it’s not putting yourself down.”

“Three?” Shane’s eyes widen. “I can’t think of one!”

“Try.”

He nods his head solemnly, scouring his mind for three good things. “Well… I guess I was pretty good at gridball in highschool.”

“You played a sport? See, two more to go. It’s not as bad, right?”

“Uh… I wouldn’t go that far seeming as I have two more to go…” He pauses as he tries to think of another good thing about himself. This is just depressing - it’s just two more good things about him. What’s so hard about thinking of two good aspects of himself? “When I cook… I guess it’s not half bad. But I don’t cook often.”

“What do you cook?”

“My favorite is pepper poppers. Usually I just buy them, but every once in a while I make some. I guess mine aren’t that bad.”

“Sometime I’ll have to try them. One more good thing to go.”

He frowns. “Can we say two good things are enough?”

“No. One more good thing. I can think of loads of good things about you, so you can surely think of one more.”

“Fine…” He digs from what he thinks is the bottom of the barrel. “I guess I’ve lived for 30 years. Like… I haven’t… Y’know,” he shrugs, but Elle seems to catch on.

“That’s a great accomplishment, you know that?”

“I guess.”

“Dammit, Shane,” Elle laughs. “One day I’ll make you believe you’re as great as I think you are.”

“You can try,” he shoots her a sad smile. “But don’t hope for much.” She doesn’t reply, so he looks over and watches as she picks at her nails until turning his attention back to the road. Perhaps she’s just unsure what to say… But he strangely feels guilty, knowing he’s the reason she’s not her bold self for once. Or at least not even trying to say anything for once. “Hey… I’m sorry I treat myself like shit. It’ll take a lot of time for me to ever think I’m more than that… But… I mean, if it means anything, you have made some of it easier on me.”

“That’s all I want,” she lifts her head back up and almost seems to place her hand on Shane’s, but backs out last second and puts it back on her lap. Shane notices this, but never addresses it, assuming it meant nothing. Regardless, a part of him wishes to hold her hand. “You can ask me one more question, then I think I’ve had enough of the game,” she says.

“Alright… What do you do as a job?”

“Currently, nothing. I’ve kinda hit a point where I don’t even know what I want to do. I have enough money to live without a job for a little while, but I’ll probably just pick up a temporary job somewhere.”

“Hey, maybe you could work with me at Joja,” Shane jokes. “We’ll have tons of fun stocking shelves together.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Elle murmurs. 

A comfortable silence fills the air as the two grow sleepier. Eventually, Shane checks the car’s clock and pulls over. It reads three in the morning. He sighs and glances over to Elle, whose head is leaning against the window as she sleeps soundly. He smiles slightly at the sight of her, unbuckles his seatbelt, then climbs out of the car and lays down in the backseat. He’s too tired to drive back and wouldn’t want to wake Elle up either. Hell, he doesn’t even know where he is. 

As Shane drifts to sleep, he smiles to himself, this time not wondering how the hell he got here, but accepting it. Accepting that Elle is in the car with him, asleep, and she chose to be here. Accepting that she’s chosen to be with him numerous times.

Although he doesn’t understand her, and trying to be a good friend is hard, it’s moments like these that make life somewhat worth it. Even the tiniest bit. It’s times of serenity that remind Shane that perhaps he’s allowed a break every once in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Shane would listen to classic rock - not anything too heavy, but idk I just get that vibe-
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed!


	15. Chapter 15

The sun on Shane’s warm skin is the first thing he notices when he wakes up, the second being the fact he’s in the backseat of a car. He rubs his eyes sleepily, recollecting memories of yesterday, then jumps when he feels someone against him. 

Elle? 

What the fuck?

She’s curled up in a ball in front of Shane, as if he was spooning her, except there’s no way in hell he was. I mean, he admits he’s attracted to her, or at least thinks she’s pretty, but he doesn’t have the boldness she might have. He would have never asked to cuddle.

So what the hell happened? And what does he do now? He doesn’t want to wake her up, nor is he complaining that he’s so close to her, but he should probably start heading back home soon. Marnie’s probably wondering about him. 

Should he just savor this moment? Of being physically close to the girl he’s so fond of?

Definitely. He doubts this will ever happen again.

Shane carefully wraps an arm on top of Elle, being sure it doesn’t disturb her, then exhales as he shuts his eyes. He focuses on her breathing, and how soft her tender skin is, and how much he adores her appearance. Of course, as much as he hates actually thinking it, he adores everything about her. He just doesn’t want to admit it, but this time, for a different reason than it used to be.

He’s afraid if he admits it, things will change. He’ll lose her because he can’t simply have the people and things that make him feel like this; the universe doesn’t work that way. Or he’ll be more nervous knowing she’s pure gold in his eyes, like if he makes mistakes, he’ll lose all his wealth. 

So instead, he just focuses his attention to the place on her arm his hand rests on. Shane lays there for a good half an hour until the woman stirs awake, meeting eyes with him once she sits up. She smiles and blushes slightly realizing Shane’s obvious confusion, then explains. “I needed to lay down. And I was getting kinda cold… And also didn’t want to wake you. I’m sorry if uh, if it was awkward.”

“No, it’s fine…” he takes note of her bashful expression. He’d love to say he didn’t mind, but refuses to in case she reacts negatively. “Honestly, I was just pretty confused waking up. But it’s fine.”

“Where are we?” she jumps to change the subject, glancing around. All that’s nearby are bunches of trees and a road leading off into the distance as far as the eye can see. The sun is just barely over the tree line, an intense pink sunrise masking a good part of the visible horizon. 

“I have no idea. I don’t have my phone with me either… So I hope you do?”

Elle stands up enough to grab her phone from her back pocket, her smile faltering as the screen lights up. “Well, I do, but it has like 10% of battery left.”

“Shit. Look up Pelican Town quickly.”

After a good few seconds of silence, Elle climbs over into the front passenger seat. “Come on, get in.”

Shane jumps up and out of the car, sliding into the driver’s seat as she instructs him where to go. He speeds down the deserted road, most definitely above the speed limit, hoping that 10% can get them to familiarity. What would they even do if they don’t get there in time? The thought only makes him press on the gas harder. He’s never really been that far out of town like this, and since Elle had to look up how to get home, he assumes she hasn’t been here either.

“Shane, don’t kill us,” Elle warns. “Or get us pulled over.”

“Shit, Elle,” he suddenly breaks out into laughter, making the woman more and more concerned. “Guess what? Fucking guess. We have very little gas. Holy shit. We’re gonna be stranded, aren’t we? Fucking dammit. There’s no gas station in sight.”

“Just keep going,” she instructs. “Book it. My phone only lasts so long.”

He does as he’s told, practically praying a police car doesn’t pop out of nowhere, and sighs in relief when she tells him he just needs to drive on the same road until they pass Zuzu City. At that moment, her phone dies, and she’s laughing quietly too at the shitty situation they’re put into. “We should do this more often. I’ve never felt more alive.”

“Alive? It feels as if we might lose gas and fucking die. Or crash. Or both…” Shane pauses. “But yeah, we should.”

“You’re a lot of fun to hang out with. I hope you know that.”

Shane grins, wanting to admit he feels the exact same about her, but instead focuses on slowing down to the speed limit. Since they know where they’re going, he doesn’t need to rush. Gas is still being used no matter the speed they’re going.

But he really wishes he could easily tell her she makes his life so much more interesting.

  
  


Zuzu City has never excited Shane more than when the skyscrapers pop up in the distance. He spots a gas station near the pizza place they had gone to yesterday and speeds into the parking lot, stopping at the closest open gas pump. He steps out of the vehicle and pays for enough to get home, then waits against the car as it fills up.

After he finishes, Shane gets back into the car and asks Elle something he had considered when he was outside. “Do you need to be dropped off at your house? Since you don’t live in Pelican Town?”

“Hm? Oh, no, it’s okay. I’ll just ride with you to Pelican Town. I need a walk anyways.”

“Okay… Well, then, do you need something to eat?”

Elle gives a small smile, but shakes her head. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Too late for that. But seriously, do you need anything?”

“Shane, it’s sweet of you to ask, but I’m good. I promise.”

He nods and starts the car up, driving back out on the road and heading towards home. He just hopes Marnie isn’t fuming when he gets home over the fact he was gone so long.

The car ride stays quiet until they arrive at the ranch, because it’s then Elle decides to speak. “Well, thank you. I had fun… And you’re not being a dick to me anymore.”

Shane laughs. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. You know it wasn’t personal. I should probably head inside before Marnie loses her shit, but uh…” he shrugs, unsure how mushy he wants to get, if at all. And how confident he wants to get.

“But?”

Shane, right there, wants to admit he hopes to be as close to Elle as he was when he woke up more often, but grows sweaty as he weighs the possible outcomes. She would either give him a suggestive comeback, awkwardly skim over what he said, or respond with derision for even daring to show a bit of certain interest.

What the hell does he do?

“I, uh,” he struggles.

“Pfft, alright,” Elle laughs softly. “You wanna try again?”

As Shane opens the door, preparing escape, he says something so quickly that it’s barely intelligible. “I liked being close to you.”

Nice fucking going, Shane. Ah yes, an absolute charmer. He really could have gone with something less, well, creepy… But you know. ‘I liked being close to you.’ Elle must be head over heels for someone with such a way of words.

On top of that, he feels like a young middle schooler. That  _ maybe _ would have been more charming if he was talking to his middle school crush, but he's 30 talking to Elle.

Luckily, he takes off towards the house before he could even see Elle’s reaction, and he just hopes she leaves instead of hanging around. Why the hell did he even say that? He could have spared himself and just say he had a fun time, but no, he likes being close to her and apparently she must know he thinks this. Maybe it wasn’t weird as he thought, but still. Who says that? Shane genuinely can't decide if he's overthinking what he said or not, only causing frustration.

The embarrassment of his stupidity sheds away as he sees Marnie pacing around in the front room. Her head snaps to Shane upon hearing the door open, and she flies over to him and gives a tight hug. “Shane!”

Taken aback, he slowly returns the embrace. “Hey, Marnie.”

“Thank goodness you’re okay! I-I thought maybe…” She trails off, stifling a tear.

“Hey, hey…” he tries to soothe her. “I know I’m pretty messed up, but… I wouldn’t do that to you guys.” 

Notice ‘to you guys’.

Maybe he would go through with what she suggested if he didn’t have her, Jas, and even Elle. .. But he knows deep inside, no matter how much his mind begs to differ, he does give a shit about them and what would happen if he was gone. Of course, he usually convinces himself nothing would change, but times like these where Marnie is gripping onto him and Jas’ quick footsteps are charging towards him… They remind him his mind is a warzone that’s usually wrongfully winning, but they also remind him he needs to learn to live for himself than for them.

He speaks again as Jas launches herself onto his side. “I’m sorry for worrying you… I uhm…” Shane stutters with his words, unsure what exactly to respond with. “I want to say I love you guys but I’m not sure…”

“Baby, of course you love us,” Marnie assures him.

“If I loved you… Then why did I never clean up my act sooner? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Jas holds his hand in her small one. “I know you love me because you played even when you were tired. And read me bedtime stories for hours. You love me, right?”

“I…” he sinks back into his aunt’s arms. “Shit.”

Normally, when Shane swears, Jas would call him out. This time, she just buries her face into his shorts.

“Shane… It doesn’t have to make sense.”

“What? But…” he pauses. “Then why..?”

“We know you love us, okay?”

“But I… I don’t think…”

“Shane, dammit,” she chuckles quietly. “Do I need to give you examples? How about the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies. You didn’t leave Jas’ side for the both of us and lifted her up so she could see the show. One night I met you at the Stardrop Saloon and tried to convince you to head home, but you were still given a choice. You came home without beer that night. You’ve been sober for weeks now, and I know damn well it’s hard and you’re partly doing it to not have to get professional help… But also there  _ has  _ to be a part of you doing it for us.”

“Then why didn’t I fight it earlier? When you begged me to stop?” he questions, shame passing over him as he’s taken back to all the times he’s ignored all her pleas.

“I don’t know, but stop asking yourself about it… Your past choices don’t always have to make sense to yourself. You love us, or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I know you feel like you should have been there for us… But dammit, I understand now your brain doesn’t think like that… And I’m sorry for… Making you feel like this.”

“I’m so sorry, Marnie. I’m so, so sorry,” he begins to tear up for all the times he’s been an absolute dickhead to everyone around him, for all the times he’s drunk until passing out, for all the times he’s worried his family sick… And while that isn’t anything new he’s cried over, he sheds years for something else most of all... For thinking he didn’t love them. Of course he does. He’s still here, alive, crying in his aunt’s arms. “I love you. And I love Jas.”

For once in Shane’s life, he considers the idea that perhaps he can love while still battling an addiction. Perhaps even when he’s losing to the drug, he can still love his family… And maybe, just maybe, he has a heart.

Maybe he was wrong about himself.

Or maybe he’s been right… Frankly, right now, he’d rather be under the illusion he’s not heartless… It feels a hell of a lot better thinking maybe he’s never really always been a completely detached and empty piece of shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No matter what I do, I still can't tell how I feel about this chapter-  
> Oh well! Hope you enjoyed! Can we all just appreciate Marnie being empathetic instead of hostile? ;) Let's just hope Shane doesn't let go of their conversation and remembers her advice, huh?


	16. Chapter 16

It’s no surprise that Elle has been a frequent thought the entire time Shane’s alone, especially considering what had happened with liking how close he was to her. Every time he pictures her in his mind, he feels a smile growing as well as heat to his face. 

He feels dirty admitting he wishes he could see her in a short dress instead of a hoodie and jeans. Or see her in a bathing suit again. But whenever he thinks about things like that, he always scolds himself.  _ You don’t want to lose your gold, do you? _

That evening, Jas and Marnie visit Sam’s, and so Shane stays home. While typically he’d have to go with, after the entire dinner thing the previous evening, nobody is against him spending the night at home.

Shane lounges on his bed, a cheesy horror movie playing on his tv. He watches it while half asleep, mostly using it for background noise than anything else since the plot and cheap jumpscares are so shit. Today has been a worse day in terms of craving alcohol, hence the several bottles of sparkling water lined up on the dresser he’s been working on. He snores gently, feeling his body shut down until a peppy knock on the door stirs him awake. 

His mind considers it being Elle, a part of him praying it is, but the other part swaying towards the opposite. Will things be awkward due to earlier? Or is he just being dramatic?

Shane tensely marches towards the front door, rubbing his eyes and hair as he unlocks it and twists the doorknob. As expected, Elle is there, and she smiles at his presence. “So you do answer the door.”

“Huh?” he mumbles, looking her over. Instead of her normal look, this time she wears a lacy white tank top and shorts that catch him off guard. It’s not something he expected her to ever wear, especially because he’s used to seeing her in hoodies, but he does hope to see her in the outfit again. As soon as the thought goes through his head, he mentally slaps himself.  _ Keep your gold, dumbass. You don’t deserve to see her like that. It’s just shorts and a tank top anyways _

Her face drops. “Oh shit, were you sleeping?”

“If watching a cheesy horror movie while half asleep is considered a nap, then yes. But anyways, what’re you doing here?”

“To see you, duh,” she motions inside. “Mind if I hang out for a while?”

“Sure, Marnie and Jas are out,” he nods. “I’m just watching movies unless you want to do something else.”

“Actually, I still want to try your cooking…” she gives a pleading look. “ _ Please~ _ .”

Shane sighs, wiping his eyes once more. “Only if you help. I can teach you how to make my famous pepper poppers.”

“Sure,” Elle skips to the kitchen as Shane trails behind her. He opens up the fridge and hands her ingredients for his recipe of pepper poppers, to which she sets on the counter nearby. Shane instructs her to cut the peppers in half while he mixes together the different spices and ingredients to go into each one.

The two make out to be an efficient team… Until, that is, they have to stuff the peppers with the mixture Shane made. While he does fine, mostly because he has made the recipe thousands of times, Elle always fills the peppers too full.

As she sets an overflowing pepper on the pan, Shane shakes his head in disapproval. “Elle, Elle, what is this?”

“A pepper popper?” she answers uncertainly, likely wondering what she did wrong.

“A horribly overflowing pepper popper,” Shane points towards the ones he had done, showing the comparison between their work. “This cannot be done!”

“Alright, alright,” Elle holds her hands up defensively. “I’ve never seen you quite like this before.”

“My pepper poppers are sacred, Elle. Sacred.”

“Is there a way of measuring how much you put into each, or?”

Shane shakes his head, going behind Elle and gently guiding her arms. “Your scooping is all wrong. I hope you’re not planning to be a chef,” he half jokes. Elle leans more against Shane, making him jump a bit in surprise. “Uh- anyways,  _ like this.” _

The awkward man guides her hands by the wrist to show how much he usually puts into each pepper, as well as how he does it so neatly. A part of him is doing it because he once again enjoys feeling so close to her, her soft blonde hair tickling his neck, but also because he does want the peppers to be done correctly. His head is practically leaning on her shoulder due to being so short and leaning forward, and he can even feel every breath she takes.

_ Holy shit, what the hell is happening? _

That’s all he can ask himself as he realizes everything; her body pressed against the front of his, his hands holding her wrists, her cheek practically against his. He feels a buzz inside, an adrenaline rush, the fact she hasn’t moved away yet making his heartbeat erratic. He feels himself stopping in the middle of helping her, practically dumbstruck, and she turns his head towards him, their faces close together until he jumps away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, the spoon dropping into the bowl with a loud clatter.

“What?”

“You moved away. I thought you liked being close to me.”

Is she… Flirting? Or is this another one of her witty comebacks? What the hell is her goal here?

“What?” is all he can ask, an obvious wave of heat hitting his face. He gulps and faces his feet, running his hands through his hair.

“What you said to me in the car,” now Shane notices Elle tucking hair between her ears, refusing to meet his eyes. Is she nervous?

“I-” he pauses upon hearing a car pull into the driveway, glancing out the window. “Marnie’s home.”

“That’s okay, I’ve got to go anyways,” she waves. “I’ll go through your window. To spare you from any of her questions.” Elle pauses, as if considering something, but ends up dashing towards his room after hearing a car door shut.

Shane, a hot mess, leans against the counter as he tries desperately to calm himself. His entire face feels sweaty, almost tingly, as well as his entire body. He smiles thinking about Elle, and how close they were, and how he wishes he could have hugged her perfect body close, but immediately shakes the thought away as more heat rushes to his face. “Holy shit,” he murmurs, adrenaline still very present. He doesn’t try to suppress a grin spreading across his face as he memorizes her body against his, all the places it touched, how it felt… Shane would normally try to stop himself from doing it, thinking it would be dirty of him to imprint her touch on his skin, but lets himself indulge in this feeling just this once. 

Maybe it wasn’t a big deal for most people. I mean, all that really happened was he got really close to the girl he likes… But it was a big deal for him considering he hasn’t even held hands with a girl since high school. 

As the door opens, he stays leaning against the counter, his head down. Jas storms in and skips to her room, a bag in her small hands, while Marnie slowly walks in and towards the kitchen. Upon seeing Shane, she gives a perplexed stare and sets a few bags on the kitchen table. “Shane? You okay?”

Shane can’t stop thinking about the places her thighs touched him, the places her back touched him, and doesn’t respond as he buries his head deeper into his hands. “Oh no,” he murmurs to himself.

“What? What happened?”

“Marnie, I-” he lifts his head back up, still disoriented. “She…”

“She..?”

“I can’t stop thinking about her,” he finally confesses. “And her body… And her smile.. And her humor and…” he trails off, his face once again red. “Oh fuck.”

“Is this about Elle?” she sits down at the table, motioning for him to sit next to him. He does so, still on a high of some sort.

“Yes. She came over while you were gone,” he pulls gently at the ends of his hair as a way of fidgeting. “And I wanted to kiss her. And just… Shit, Marnie, she’s so… Fuck, I don’t deserve her. I don’t want to ruin what I have.”

“Aw, Shane,” Marnie smiles at the love stricken man. Or maybe only lust, perhaps love isn’t accurate yet. “Has she made any hints at all that she might feel the same?"

“You know if she did I’d shrug it off as just being nice or something, right?” he thinks back to today, though, and continues. “But… She…” Shane buries his head in his hands once more, groaning. “I’m going to be embarrassed to tell anyone.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” she scolds. “What’s happened between you two?”

“Ugh,” Shane gives in. “She came with me when I drove out of Pelican Town and I woke up to her laying against me… And my dumbass today said I liked being close to her, so when she came over just a minute ago… She got really close to me when I was helping her… I swear I can still feel her against me… Then when I jumped away because I was freaking out, she asked what was wrong and she thought I said I liked being close.”

“Shane!” Marnie exclaims. “Are you kidding? She sounds like she’s interested.”

“Uhm, I’m not exactly boyfriend material.”

“You should go for it!” she smiles. “I know she makes you happy. I know you talk during the evening because I hear footsteps sometimes at about midnight of you coming back inside. But… Only if you want that.”

“Of course I want her, she’s fucking perfect,” he sighs. “She’s… Ugh. I can’t stop wanting to just… Kiss her and hold her and…” he stops himself, a blush spreading across his cheek. “Anyway… Shit, Marnie. I admitted it out loud to someone. I’m definitely going to lose her.”

“Don’t think like that,” she frowns. “You haven’t gone for it. Besides, if she’s purposefully teasing you like today and flirting… Well…”

“So, what, I kiss her? I haven’t kissed anyone since high school. Where would be a good place to even kiss her - wait, would I need to take her out on a fancy date? I’m not fancy or rich…”

“You’re acting like a little schoolboy with a crush,” his aunt laughs, making Shane stop. “Just hang out like any other day, except this time, when she drops hints, you go for it. If it turns out somehow cuddling with you and flirting was all wrong, then you stay friends and move on from it.”

“But what if it ruins the friendship?” he argues.

“Shane, if she stuck with you during your bad days with drinking, I think she’ll be okay if you have a crush she doesn’t return feelings to. But I doubt that’ll happen. So come on! Don’t even let yourself think about the consequences; just do!”

Shane sighs. “But Marnie… It doesn’t make sense why she’d even like me like that. I’m me. And she’s…”

“It doesn’t have to make sense,” Marnie reminds him. “Remember what we talked about? It doesn’t have to make sense; if it happens, it happens, and you shouldn’t keep questioning it. If this girl truly likes you, don’t let your doubts get in the way of that. Let yourself have this, Shane… You’ve endured so much.”

Shane stays silent, thinking about Marnie’s words. She stands up and begins unloading the bags as he sits there.

“Well, I’ve got other things to do… But please make a move. You deserve to feel as happy as she makes you. Give me updates if something happens.”

“I will…” he mumbles as she walks out of the kitchen.

It is undeniable that Shane has come to be attracted to every aspect of Elle; her caring and patience with him. Her boldness. Even her little attempts to relate to his pain (that though he doesn’t like, understands what she’s going for and deep down appreciates the effort). Her humor and how she treats Shane like he’s not a complete fuck up. Her body. Her smile and the adorable dimples that appear whenever it’s revealed. Her blonde locks of hair.

Along with this, it is undeniable that Shane is unsure he’ll ever muster enough confidence to kiss her. Or ask her out. Or anything that involves too much of a risk. He deeply believes he is still the scum of the earth, and what gold belongs in a pile of dirt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH- OkAY three things  
> I never did one last proofreading before posting bc I'm currently half asleep- so uh- sorry if there's any errors.  
> I hope y'all get this is a big deal for Shane, even if it doesn't sound that scary kfjefo  
> Thanks so much for all the love :)!!


	17. Chapter 17

How can you approach kissing a girl like Elle?

She usually speaks her mind and is blunt with her feelings, at least it seems that way to him, so leaving hints she wants to be kissed already throws Shane off. Why doesn’t she just make a move if she’s willing to take initiative with everything else? Does he do it while they’re having a serious talk? Or when something happens like what occurred with the pepper poppers? Or does he just approach her one day and go for it, without necessarily waiting for “the right moment”?

Frankly, Shane’s anxiety only heightens with the thought of kissing her lingering in the back of his mind. Occasionally popping up whenever he just wants to hang out with Elle free of nerves.

This only causes him to crave beer even stronger than he already has been. To soothe his crowded mind and give him the confidence to just  _ do it. _

The thought of kissing her while under the influence of alcohol is tempting, yet disgusting all at once. Tempting, because he can actually just fucking do it, but disgusting because he knows she’ll hate him for it. He won’t even have complete control over what he does or says… Yet he somehow still considers it an option. 

Damn coward.

Shane sits on his bed deep in thought, knowing he has to get ready for work real soon. It’s been a few days since the pepper popper incident and admitting his feelings, but it feels as if nothing at all has changed between them; Elle is no longer flirty like she was that day and they never discussed it. Not that Shane necessarily wants to, but still, it’s so damn bizarre pretending like it never happened. He knows very well Elle saw him become a hot mess, so why hasn’t it affected their relationship since that day?

Shane wishes he could figure out Elle. She’s still a mystery to him, the way she behaves and the reasons she’s still here are all part of the unknown. Some days he just wants to walk up to her and ask all of the questions clouding his mind, but deep inside he knows it’ll never happen. He can never do things like that without backing out, and if he can’t ask her questions, how can he kiss her?

Another thought pops into his head. A date. What if he asked her out on a date? The problem is he has no idea how to behave on one, where to take her, and chances are it’ll be awkward because they both know it’s supposed to be a  _ romantic  _ date. So what the hell does he do then?

He ignores his anxiety and heads to work, that’s what.

Shane skips showering and brushing his teeth, not wanting to bother with it, and moves on to the vacant kitchen for breakfast. He ends up just eating whatever he can find first, not wanting to waste time trying to figure out what sounds more appetizing, then begins on his way to work. He doesn’t want to put extra effort into taking care of himself this morning, not when his mind is so preoccupied.

When Shane arrives at work and greets Sam, he’s reminded of their currently awkward relationship; since the night he had ran out, they haven’t been able to say much to each other. Sam’s usual bubbly behavior, while still present, is notably less intense whenever Shane is close. He knows Sam perceives him differently now, and perhaps he knows what Shane had told himself in the bathroom. At least Shane doesn’t have to endure awkward conversation. Instead, all he gets is the lack of nearly all conversation from Sam.

Today is no different. 

For the most part, it doesn’t bother Shane. Things were nearly the same before he started trying to take control of his life again… But it’s just a little punch in his gut that wonders what Sam thinks about him now. He loathes the fact he even cares enough to feel that punch; why the hell does it matter to him?

Work is mundane as always, and when it’s over Shane can’t wait to get home. All he wants to do is drink himself until he passes out, so that the side effects of no beer for this long subside as well as his aching anxiety.

Marnie sits at the kitchen table when he gets home, a book open in her hands. She glances up from the book upon hearing Shane and smiles at him. “Heya, Shane! I made pie.” Now that she mentions it, the familiar smell of pumpkin pie fills the air. Shane approaches the pan on the counter and cuts a slice for himself, sitting down at the table across from his aunt. “So… Anything new happen lately?”

Subtle.

He knows she’s referring to him and Elle.

“Nope. It’s like nothing happened between us,” he sighs, scooping a piece into his mouth. “Maybe it’s a sign.”

“Maybe she thinks you weren’t interested since you never made it very apparent… And you jumped away from her,” she suggests. “No flirting at all?”

“No, not that I remember,” he shakes his head. “I wish I could just… Ugh.” He wants to say ‘figure her out’, but stops himself, knowing Marnie will give a whole lecture about how it doesn’t have to make sense. How people are more complicated than he wishes they would be.

“Don’t worry, Shane. I have the perfect idea,” she closes her book and sets it on the table. “Jas and I just happen to have to head over and spend the night away from home, but you don’t have to go. You get what I’m saying?”

“You’re insane,” Shane laughs lightly. “As if I have the confidence for that.”

She sighs. “Just do it. No thinking. It won’t be the end of the world if something goes wrong… Look, I just want to see you happy. It’s clear you want her. And I support it.”

“So, what, while you’re gone I invite her over to stay the night, and during that time I kiss her?”

“Exactly!”

“Marnie, that’ll never work!” Shane feels himself growing warm thinking about kissing her so soon. Tonight?! No fucking way.

“Yes it will, as long as you go for it! Come on… I know you want to kiss her. Please?”

He sighs, resting his head down on the table. “I’ll try, because yes, I want to. But please don’t be mad if I don’t get to it… This shit is terrifying.”

“As long as you try,” Marnie stands up and gently ruffles his hair. “You’re like a high school boy with a crush. It’s unbelievable.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“Anyway, I’m proud of you. For trying. And for letting this girl into your life. Jas and I have to get going, but I hope you seriously go through with this… I don’t want you to regret anything more than you already do. Like regretting never kissing her.”

“Thanks, Marnie,” he gives her a small, forced smile, thinking about what he now has to do tonight. Half dreading it. He’s not sure if the push Marnie is giving him is good or bad yet, mostly because along with loathing this evening, he also feels strangely a bit excited.

  
  
  
  
  
  


About an hour after Marnie and Jas leave, a knock is heard on the door. 

Within the hour, Shane has taken precautions to make sure less things could fuck up what he wants to do. For one, he took a shower, brushed his teeth, and even changed into a clean pair of clothes. If basic hygiene wasn’t already a shocker, he cleaned up his room and made some fresh pepper poppers so she could actually try some. 

It’s a strange routine they’ve established; Shane doesn’t have Elle’s number, they’ve never officially planned anything or set times to hang out, yet he knew she would come around and even prepared for her arrival. 

“Well,” he murmurs to himself. “I guess this is it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't proofread final time before posting - oops.   
> Also IT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN GUYS- AHHHHH  
> And can we just talk about how I almost have 1000 hits- like- h u h ? Thank you :)


	18. Chapter 18

Shane heads over to the door, feeling incredibly nervous. He knows she’ll notice his attempts to seem desirable, but it almost feels fake of him to clean up just for her. Should he have gone through the effort? Shane can’t even tell anymore, he overthinks everything that has to do with Elle

Elle stands smiling at the man as he opens the door, wearing nearly the same thing she wore when they had cooked together. She looks him over in surprise, obviously noticing he had cleaned up. “Hey” she waves.

“Hi,” he waves back awkwardly, already running his hand through his hair. He opens the door for her to come in, and she excitedly heads to the kitchen after smelling food. He sighs in relief that she seems to be in her normal mood, following from behind. 

“I’m sorry I left before I could try these when I was over that day,” she says, grabbing one from the pan and putting in on a nearby clean plate.

“It’s okay,” Shane takes one for himself, then sits at the table. Elle joins him. He doesn’t know if Elle can sense it, but there is definitely a strange awkwardness lingering in the air. Nothing feels natural for Shane anymore with her, perhaps coming from the pressure of confessing his feelings. It’s murdering him from the inside out. 

“So, watcha wanna do today?”

“Well,” he braces himself. “Marnie and Jas will be gone until tomorrow, so if you’re up to staying the night…”

Elle grins at the invitation, brushing hair behind her ears. The man quickly wonders if that’s a nervous habit, much like how he messes with his hair, but skims over the thought as she replies. “That sounds fun! And this time it’s not in a car.”

Shane laughs lightly. “Yep. Also, what did you think of my pepper poppers?”

“Well, these are the first ones I’ve ever had, and I can confirm they’re also the best.”

“What a compliment.”

After eating, the two end up sprawling out on Shane’s bed to watch movies, Shane being careful not to get too close to Elle. Her touch, while he also craves, makes him nervous. Especially considering what he has to do today.

Though Elle watches the movie, he ends up getting lost in thought. Questioning why it’s so damn hard for him to just man up and do it. Why her touch is so terrifying. Why she’s so confusing to him.

About halfway through the movie, Shane excuses himself to go to the bathroom and makes sure to lock the door, hunching over the sink as he did at Sam’s. He tries not to be too loud or else Elle will hear, but begins to verbally jab himself. “Just fucking do it,” Glancing around, he finds a nearby pen and sits down on the toilet seat, quickly writing down something on the cover page of a magazine. Call it stupid, but it makes him feel better to write down a note that’ll make him suck it up and get out there.

‘ _ Just fucking do it. Kiss her. Don’t think about it. When you get out of this bathroom, fucking go for it. Piece of shit. Or are you too much of a coward, huh? Too pathetic? Come on!’ _

Shane tosses the magazine aside, leaving the pen on the sink, and stands up. “Okay. When I get out of this bathroom, I’m going to do it.” His feet stay frozen. “God dammit.”

After a couple minutes of standing there, anxiety filling his chest, he hears Elle call for him. “You good in there?”

“Uh, yeah!” he calls back, taking a deep breath. Shane finally opens the door, marching out and approaching the girl, but it seems his mind goes blank and she stares at him. “God dammit,” he runs his hands through his hair self consciously. 

“What? What’s wrong?”

“You’re so going to hate me,” he feels himself growing even more fearful as she stands up and walks over to him, the tv still playing in the background.

“Impossible. What happened? Did you…” she trails off, but he knows she was going to ask if he’s had anything to drink.

“Buh, I wish,” he scoffs. “Fuck. What was up with that day we were making pepper poppers, huh? It’s like it never happened. Maybe it was nothing to do, but by now you knew it’d mess with my head.”

She refuses to meet his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“You know damn well what I mean. You were a huge fucking tease! You knew it’d make me nervous! But it’s been danced around every time we hang out and I’m so sick of it!”

For once, Elle is dumbstruck. She doesn’t reply, just stares at him with an unreadable expression.

“And now you won’t say anything! Shit, Elle, you fuck with my head. You fucking confuse me so much. Just- what were you trying to do that day? Huh? What were you trying to tell me?”

“What were you trying to tell me in the car, then?” she retorts. “I can never tell how you feel about me!”

“That’s because half of the time I don’t even understand myself! How am I supposed to understand you as well!”

“I thought we were having a good time, why are you so pissy all of a sudden?” she asks, the same aggressive tone in her voice.

“Because! You’re always in my head! It’s killing me!” he yells, immediately regretting it. It slipped out. He didn’t mean to admit that to her. His face goes red as he tries to recover. “I-I mean…”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

“No, hang on, what? I’m on your mind that much?”

“I said nevermind,” his face is still burning up, and he tries to walk away, but she stops him at the door frame.

“You’re on my mind all the time too, dumbass.”

“So… What did you mean that day?” Shane softens.

Elle sighs, brushing her hair behind her ears. She stays silent, biting her lip, and looks back up towards Shane. He only gives her an expectant look, waiting for her to answer, his heart beating rapidly in his chest at how close she is. She gently places her hand on his cheek, making him jump at her touch, and quickly brings her lips to his. 

The kiss he’s been aching to have.

Returning the kiss, he leans against the doorframe as she sinks into him. Her hands shock him a little as well as her lips because they’re unusually cold, but he barely notices it a second after. He wraps his arms around her waist in response to her smiling, and all thoughts leave him, all frustration, everything except her beautiful touch evaporates. Boy, does he never want this to end; Her entire body against his, her hair tickling his neck, and how gentle she is with him. It develops into a kiss filled with more lust, more desire, but she breaks away before it gets too intense, her cheeks aflame.

His entire body feels like it’s buzzing. Reminiscent of being drunk in a way.

“I…” he breathes. “Fuck, I’ve been wanting to do that.”

“Is that why you’ve been so awkward with me?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you too. And for confusing you.”

Shane smiles at her, barely believing what has just happened, and realizes his hands are still on her waist. He lets go, awkwardly backing away some, and fidgets with his hands.

“Shane… What does this mean for us?”

“I-I don’t know. I really like you, though… More than a friend.”

“I noticed,” Elle laughs. She stops and continues. “I like you more than a friend as well.”

“Really? Why? It doesn’t make sense,” as Shane tells her that, Marnie’s voice rings through his head. ‘It doesn’t have to make sense.’

“Because, stupid... I just do. There’s no catch. I can’t really explain it. You’re just... I really like you.”

“Since when?”

She shrugs. “The night of the Moonlight Jellies. I was there when you were holding up Jas for her to see, but I was away from people. I remember thinking, ‘wow, that’s adorable,’ because you were so short that you couldn’t even see. And at the time you were always convincing yourself you didn’t care about Jas enough… Yet you held her up the entire time.”

“You know that day where we spent time together at the lake?”

“Yeah?”

“I realized how damn beautiful you are that day. Of course I noticed before… But that day I admitted to myself that I think you’re the most attractive person I’ve met, in appearance and personality. I think that’s when I really started seeing you as more than a friend.”

Elle smiles, her dimples showing. “And also I’ve noticed how it’s easier for you to open up to me. Like right now, you’re just telling me things straight. That’s amazing, you know?”

Shane shrugs, unsure how to accept that compliment, or any for that matter. “So… What are we, then?”

“I don’t know. Do you  _ want  _ to be anything? Can you handle that right now?”

“Of course I want to be something…” he pauses. “But I don’t know. I’m afraid if we do make anything official, I’ll get awkward and nervous again because I won’t know how to act.”

“Then… How about we’re just… ‘People who like each other a lot and kiss’? No fancy labels. We just hang out like normal and whenever you want to kiss me or whatever… You just do it? And me with you? Until you feel like you’re ready for us to have an actual label?”

Shane chuckles. “Are you sure? You can just tell me to fuck off if this isn’t what you really want. I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

Elle plants a small kiss on his unshaven cheek. “I’m sure.”

“But… Elle, I’m literally as far as it gets from desirable. I’m a depressed alcoholic. You can back out now if you’re realizing what you’re getting into. I’ll understand. ”

“I think I know what I’m getting into,” Elle frowns. “And you’re way more than that. One day I’ll prove it to you.”

Shane doesn’t say anything, but rather for the first time, gives Elle a hug. 

He’s in a state of utter euphoria for once in his life; the girl he loves to spend every day with feels the exact same towards him. The girl he admires so highly and wants to always hold, kiss, or simply touch, gives him welcome permission to do all of that. He smiles even wider when she hugs back, because this feels surreal. Straight out of one of the fantasies he’s had about her. Elle and Shane: Two People Who Like Each Other a Lot and Kiss.

Yet somehow, in the back of his mind, he’s still trying to figure out what the catch is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting early (before school for me) because I'm busy later :) I didn't proofread because I don't have the time so uh, sorry  
> also  
> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


	19. Chapter 19

When Shane wakes up the next morning, his bed is empty. All traces of Elle are gone. He searches around for a note, a paper, anything that’ll confirm where she is or why she left, but alas, nothing.

So the question dawning his mind is: was it even real?

In his sleepy state, Shane stumbles out of his room and to the kitchen. Marnie is at the table with a book, who smiles at his disoriented self as he checks the time. Surprisingly, it’s noon. Thank God he doesn’t have work today.

Shane sighs and rubs his eyes. This has got to be real, right? She felt so real. Was it a dream? “Hey Marnie?” he asks. “How long have you been here?”

“I got up around eight,” she answers, focused more on the book than him. He nods and heads back the way he came, remembering the magazine he had written on. If that’s still there, then it’s confirmed what happened was reality. And Elle and him are… Kind of together?

The pen sits on the counter where he had left it, and his gaze shifts to the crumpled magazine on the floor, his familiar scratchy handwriting filling the cover. “So it’s real,” he breathes. 

Then where the hell is Elle?

He heads back to the kitchen and fixes himself a cup of coffee, sitting down at the table and sighing. Marnie finally looks up from her book again and closes it after a few seconds. “So? How’d it go?”

“We kissed.”

“Aw, Shane!” she grins, but her smile falters at Shane’s melancholy expression. “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“I’m probably overthinking it, but… She wasn’t here here when I woke up and she didn’t leave anything saying where she went… It’s like she was never here.”

“Shane, it’s noon,” she lightly laughs, but Shane didn’t find a joke anywhere. “She probably left because she had somewhere to be. Couldn’t you call or text her? And I’m sure you’ll see her again this evening. So cheer up! What exactly happened?” 

Shane nods. “I don’t even have her number… And you’re probably right… I guess I just can’t believe it’s real.” A smile finally breaks his miserable expression and he tells Marnie all of what happened last night (excluding writing on the magazine or menally beating himself). By the time he finishes telling the events of yesterday, he’s feeling like he’s walking on cloud nine again. Shane decides he has to trust she’ll come back and her leaving has nothing more to look into; he can’t keep doubting every little thing like he normally does.

Easier said than done. 

“Well, Shane, I’m proud of you,” Marnie tells him when he’s done speaking. “Not just with Elle, but… Honey, you’ve been opening up more. With me and with her. It’s… Well, it’s fantastic to actually talk to you.”

Shane shrugs, unsure how to react. “Maybe. Anyways, I guess I’ll just have to wait for her to come by later...” He can’t deny he’s disappointed she left, but instead of jumping to her simply hating him or whatever doubts his mind can think of, he tries to conjure up some sort of explanation. Perhaps she had to leave quickly because she had plans? Or maybe she heard Marnie and Jas arrive home and left then?

Ugh, he’s overthinking this, isn’t he? He’s sure he’s being clingy and pathetic. She’ll be gone for what, a part of the day? She’ll come back later, you whiny bitch.

Shane just hopes to see her soon. Kiss her again. Touch her again. Feel her body so close to his… He smiles at the thought, his heart aching in his chest.

  
  
  
  
  


“Shane! Let’s play with my dolls!”

The man smiles at Jas softly, sighing as he rises from his bed. He doesn’t really want to play in case Elle comes by (and the fact he’s feeling tired along with still dealing with alcohol withdrawal), but he can’t say no to Jas. Not with her hopeful eyes. “Fine, but I get to be the blonde this time.”

“No fair, that’s my favorite!” she argues as she leads Shane to her room.

“It’s my favorite too.”

“Fine, this one time you can play her! But you’re the evil one!”

“Can do, kiddo.” Shane sits down on the floor with Jas as she hurries to grab all of her dolls out of a chest. She hands him the blonde girl, while she holds the black haired one, the rest of the dolls scattered across the floor.

Jas explains who each of the dolls are and the story she’s created so far, but seems discouraged to continue when Shane stares off into his lap, gently rubbing the doll’s hair in his hand. “Shane,” she pouts.

“Hm?” he hums, shaking his head to snap out of his trance. He’s once again been thinking, but that seems to be all he can ever do; think about things and only that. Never do, never try, never anything but  _ think, think, think. _

“You weren’t listening.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he sighs, then forces a small reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I’ll screw my head back on and play.”

“Shane,” she sets down the doll, then gazes back at the man curiously. “Kiss who?”

“What?” he feels a sudden punch in his gut.

“I found a paper talking about kissing someone. It was you who wrote it because there were swears  _ everywhere, _ ” she explains. The man smiles a little at the last bit.

“Don’t worry about it,” he doesn’t know how else to brush off the subject, only that his attempt was weak.

“Was it Elle? The new friend?” she presses. “ _ Ew _ , did you actually kiss her?”

Shane laughs at Jas’ disgust, feeling a small bit of butterflies form at the thought of Elle’s lips. “Marnie already knows, but… Yes, it was her. And yes, we actually kissed.”

“Ew!” she sticks out her tongue. “Jodi always teases Vincent and I and talks about that type of stuff. It’s gross.”

“It gets less gross as you grow up.”

“Why did you kiss her?”

The question catches him a tad off guard, but not because he has no answer. If anything, he has a million reasons as to why he kissed her. Too many to list. He has to simplify it for Jas as well. “Geez, kid, you have a lot of questions… Because I really like her. And I guess it got to the point where I didn’t know how else to show it.”

“Adults are weird,” Jas concludes, picking back up her doll. “But… I know she must be pretty. Did you kiss her because you didn’t know how to show that?”

That’s one way to put it, Shane decides. He has gotten to the point where if he tried to compliment her, it just wouldn’t do how he really sees her any justice. He doesn’t just want to tell her; he wants to show her how damn gorgeous she is. “Yeah, kind of.”

After a few seconds of silence, Jas changed the subject. “Can you play now? We haven’t spent a lot of time together in a while.”

Shane frowns, analyzing if what she had said was true. And guess what? She’s right. He’s been so caught up, call it intoxicated, with the woman that he’s once again neglected family.

How does it always happen? His negligence towards family?

When he got shitfaced in the past, it was pretty obvious why it caused him to avoid time with Jas and Marnie. But recently he let go of what he practically bled, and yet he still messed things up. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Jas,” he feels shame pass over him. Dumbass can’t do anything right. “How about we figure out something to do together with Marnie? I can take the day off and we can spend the entire day playing or whatever she can come up with.”

Jas grins widely. “That would be awesome! But what about school?”

“We can ask Marnie, but I’m sure one day won’t hurt.”

Jas stands up, dropping her doll, and tugs at Shane’s arm for him to stand up as well. He hurries to get off of the floor as she pulls him to Marnie, who’s still in the kitchen with a book. She looks up and keeps her finger on the line she stopped at, smiling at the two. “What’s gotten you so excited?”

“Shane says he’ll take the day off tomorrow so we can all spend time together! Can I not go to school tomorrow?  _ Please?  _ He hasn’t spent time with both of us in forever!”

Marnie shoots Shane a happy look, thinking it over. “Okay… Only this one time since Shane has been gone so often. But I won’t let you skip school like this very much.”

“Thank you!” she jumps into Marnie’s arms, making her groan at the sudden weight, then stands back up and wraps her arms around Shane’s waist. “You’re the best!” Jas tells him before skipping away.

“Well, I didn’t expect this,” Marnie laughs. “But it’s really sweet of you.”

He shrugs.

“Hey, I have errands to run tomorrow in Zuzu City. How about we spend the day there?”

Shane nods. “That sounds good. I’m sure Jas’ll love it.”

“Then it’s settled. Now, I’ve got to get back to reading,” she sheepishly smiles, then dives back into her book. That’s his queue to leave.

Shane retreats back to his room and spends the night playing video games, awaiting Elle’s knock on the window. The seconds pass and turn into minutes. Minutes into hours. And before he realizes it, it’s three in the damn morning and she never showed.

What did he do wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH- I'M SORRY THE MOMENT WITH ELLE DIDN'T LAST LONG FSDLH-  
> ALSO TWO THINGS:  
> I'm updating early since after school I don't have time, hence why I didn't proofread  
> How would you guys feel about if I also started writing/posting a Sebastian fanfic?? He's my second favorite bachelor. I already have an idea for a story with him ;)


	20. Chapter 20

“Shane! Time to get up!” Marnie shakes the man awake. He groans in response, turning over away from her and covering his face with his blanket. “Come on, you said you’d spend time with us.”

The truth is, Shane feels pretty fucking sad. Elle never showed up yesterday, and that got him down because he missed her, but also the fact he’s so dependent on her. His happiness comes mostly from Elle, and it makes him feel pretty pathetic if she doesn’t show up one evening. I mean, come on. It was one day without her, big fucking deal.

He knows it’s just anxiety taking over; he has no way of contacting her. What if something bad had happened? Or if last night was the last time he’ll ever see her?

Needless to say, Shane becomes an empty shell without her; doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything useful. It only causes old bad habits to become more and more tempting. And it’ll only get worse from here; this is the beginning of day two without seeing her. Pathetic.

He wishes he knew where she went, why she went, and when she’ll come back. That would surely restore his mood.

After Marnie yanks the blankets from on top of him, he begrudgingly stands up from the bed and rubs his eyes. She heads out of the room to give him some privacy, so he shuts the door and slowly gets changed. 

After doing so, he heads to the kitchen and tries to get his mind off of her and alcohol. He fixes himself a quick breakfast as Jas sprints into the kitchen, bubbling with enthusiasm. “Hurry up!” she exclaims at Shane. He faintly smiles, shoving a piece of cold pizza into his mouth and sliding on shoes. 

When everyone is ready, the family heads into the car, Marnie and Shane up front with Jas in the back. Jas quietly plays with a couple of toys she brought, while after several minutes of driving, Marnie decides to make conversation with Shane.

“So, how’re you feeling?”

He shrugs. “Peachy. Just peachy”

Her eyes narrow at him as she gives a side glance. “I’m assuming she never showed.”

He sighs. “Nope. I’m trying to convince myself I’m being whiny and she’s just busy… But…”

“Well, I hope today will get your mind off of it,” Marnie nods. “I’m sure she’ll come by this evening.”

“Don’t give false hope,” he mutters, crossing his arms.

“Shane,” her tone of voice suddenly becomes firmer. “I know you miss her… But try to have fun today and loosen up. We want you to enjoy your time in the city. So far you’ve been grumpy… I don’t want you to snap at anyone.”

He takes a deep breath, cursing at himself silently out of frustration. It’s not that he’s trying to be a dick - it’s just anxiety over everything getting the best of him. The fact that his relationship with Elle is all new territory, and she’s not even here to help him calm down. He just wants confirmation everything will work out from Elle herself.

“Okay. I’ll try to lighten up.”

“Good,” she gives him a hopeful smile, but he doesn’t return one. Instead, he leans his head against the headrest and shuts his eyes as they drive towards the city.

He believes the only two things on this Earth that can loosen him up are alcohol and Elle.

  
  
  


Shane holds Jas’ hand as they walk through the fairly busy streets of Zuzu City. While he’s certainly been here before, he doesn’t have a clue where they’re going, which is why Marnie is leading them as they stay closely behind.

Before long, Marnie stops in front of one of the stores and turns around. “Okay, I’ve got to head inside here, but it’s pretty boring. Why don’t you take Jas to a toy store a bit further down? I’ll meet you there.”

Jas grins at the mention of a toy store and pulls Shane towards the direction she had pointed at before he could answer. He subtly smiles at her excitement, hurrying to match her pace until they find the store Marnie had mentioned. As Shane still holds her hand, she skips inside and searches for a certain section of the store, presumably the dolls. Jas has always had an affinity for dolls; it was never the fact that dolls are ‘girl’ toys and she’s a girl, but rather the fact she can make her own stories and worlds with them. Along with that, she can brush their hair and feel like she’s taking care of them.

Shane follows the girl until she suddenly stops and turns down an aisle, gazing at the rows of neatly arranged dolls. He stays behind her as she surveys each of the boxes, jumping to her tip toes when she finds one she wants. Due to being short and it being on one of the tops shelves, she can’t reach it, so Shane steps in and grabs it for her.

“You can pick one too if you want to!” Jas offers as she holds the box to her chest.

Shane laughs. “This is coming out of my money, you know.”

She grins. “So?”

“I’ll pass, I can just borrow some of your dolls when we play,” as he says that, he takes Jas’ empty hand once again and they stroll through more aisles to pass the time. 

He’s hesitant to admit it, but this has so far taken his mind off of everything, though the day has just started. He forgot how fulfilling simplicity can be; no complex emotions, no complex people, no complex problems… Just Shane and his goddaughter shopping together as it should be. 

After Marnie shows up at the toy store, Shane takes Jas to the check out and she puts the box on the counter. The man gets out his wallet and hands the cashier his only twenty dollar bill, getting a little less than ten dollars back. 

When the group is done there, Marnie leads them to their next destination; a pet store. For one, she needs more supplies for the farm animals, but Jas also loves petting the dogs there and watching the reptiles. 

Jas leads Shane towards a reptile enclosure while Marnie parts ways to get what she needs. She nearly presses her face against the glass as she watches each of the lizards while Shane simply stares at her with amusement. 

“Being a lizard sounds boring,” Jas concludes. “What do they even do all day?

“Eat. Walk. Sleep,” he lists.

“Boring. Do they even have fun?”

“I’m sure they do,” Shane smiles at her. “Just not what you’d think is fun.”

Jas doesn’t reply, but moves onto the next enclosure filled with hamsters running around. Shane follows, still thinking about the lizards.

It’s strange that being a lizard doesn’t sound as enjoyable as it used to. Sure, their lives are simple, but… For once in a very long time, Shane thinks he needs something more than eating, sleeping, and walking around idly through life.

God, he really misses her, doesn't he?

  
  
  


When they’re done at the pet store, they all head back to the car with the bags of supplies. Marnie puts everything into the trunk of the car and shuts it, jumping a little at sudden thunder ringing through the sky. “Well, why don’t you guys get in the car? The next stop is a little across town and I don’t want to walk in the rain.”

“Sure thing,” Shane nods, patting his pocket to make sure he has his wallet before he gets in. Nothing is there. “Oh, shit- I mean shoot!”

“What’s wrong?”

“My wallet,” he sighs. “I think I left it in the toy store. When I was grabbing money, I must have put it on the counter.”

“Go ahead, we’ll wait here,” Marnie nods urgently, climbing into the driver’s seat. 

Jas gets in the back as he speedwalks towards the toy store, swearing quietly to himself. “Fucking dumbass. Let’s hope nobody stole it.” Rain hits his face, soaking his hair and clothes in a matter of seconds, making him once again swear. 

When he enters the toy store, sopping wet, he marches over the counter and sees no wallet or employee in sight. “Damn,” he whispers, realizing he’ll have to ask the cashier. On queue, the cashier walks over to assist him. “Hey, have you seen a wallet?”

“Name?” the employee asks as they take a wallet from their side of the counter. It’s definitely his. 

“Shane Anderson.”

“Yep,” they hand the wallet over and he graciously takes it, racing out of the store to meet downpour. 

He pulls his hood up as he walks down the sidewalk, but through his somewhat disoriented vision, something, or rather someone catches his eyes. The first thing he notices is blonde hair, the same golden blonde he’d come to adore. Next was the shorts that he recalled seeing her wear to his house, although it’s hard to tell since he only sees the back of her. Could it be…?

All common sense loses him as he keeps his eyes glued on her, following the woman from across the street. As he does this, the woman makes her way down an alleyway, but he doesn’t even hesitate to follow. He doesn’t even notice lightning flash through the sky, or thunder so loud and close that he can feel the ground vibrate; all he notices is her. All he ever notices in his life is her. 

And as he turns the corner that he saw her go down after heading through the alleyway, she’s already gone. There’s not a trace of her in sight, just as there was never a trace the day before that she was there besides his writing on the magazine. 

“Elle,” he calls quietly, desperation growing. Shane felt so fucking close to seeing her, so fucking close to getting to hold her or even just touch her skin. “God fucking dammit,” he swears, kicking the nearby wall to a store. Despite his loss, he continues to walk the way he thought she went, hoping to a god he doesn’t even believe exists that she was really there. 

Shane, shivering from the rain and lost in the city, defeatedly heads inside a bathroom he had found and leans against the sink. A sense of deja vu washes over him as he stares at himself in the mirror; this scene has happened before. This is the part where he screams at himself for being a fuck up. This is the part where he punches himself in the gut to cause his body to feel something, and for that something to teach him some sort of lesson.

But this time, it wasn’t on him, so what the hell does he do? Elle has been the one tormenting him, not himself. He was the one who saw Elle today, but she’s the one who hasn’t been showing up and even ran away.

But what if this is all his damn fault, as everything is? He must have fucked up if she hasn’t come by, right?

God dammit, it’s only been a day and a half without her. Man up, you bitch.

Shane leaves the bathroom before he starts verbally harming himself, realizing he’s been gone for longer than he should be to get a wallet. Oh, and he doesn’t really know where he is. “I’m such a dumbass,” he murmurs, trying to recall where he came from. “Can’t you man up? Needy bitch.” As he glances around, blonde hair once again catches his eye, but this time she faces him.

Elle. He can tell even from far away and through the rain that it’s her.

He smiles at the sight of her, slowly following, but as he gets closer she only backs up. “Elle? What are you doing to me?” he asks, his voice filled with traces of hurt. “I… I don’t understand why…”

She motions for him to follow, turning around and turning the corner once again. He runs to catch up, turning the corner and knocking right into a parked car. “Fuck!” He exclaims as he hits the ground into a pool of dirty water, his clothes now soaked with rainwater and mud.

“Shane? There you are!” Marnie helps him up from the puddle. “Where the hell did you go?! You’re soaked!”

“I…” he mutters, breaking from her grasp and walking towards where he swore Elle went. “Fuck. I-”

“Shane, come on, get inside. You can explain later,” she sighs. He obliges, his mind still fuzzy and his body still hurt from ramming into a car. 

What the hell was that?

  
  
  
  
  


“Marnie, I swear to God I saw her,” Shane tells her at the dinner table. Jas is well asleep, so they have time to talk about it without her growing curious… Along with Shane being able to not have as much of a filter. “She was right fucking there.”

“Nobody came from that alley but you,” Marnie denies. “Honey, are you okay? I haven’t seen you as such a wreck in a while.”

“She didn’t show up tonight either. And she fucking ran. Then when I saw her again, she gave me that damn smile and motioned for me to follow. I followed right into a fucking car,” he vents, getting more worked up by the second.

“Are you sure she was really there?”

“Am I sure? Am I fucking sure? I saw her! She wore the shorts I last saw her in! And- and I could feel butterflies when she looked at me! It was real!”

“Shane… Maybe you should get some rest. You sound tired.”

“You don’t believe me,” his eyes narrow at her. “Then why the hell did I run through a thunderstorm? Huh? To follow nothing?”

“I think we need to rest on it so there’s no yelling,” Marnie holds her hands up defensively. “We don’t want to wake up Jas, after all.”

“Whatever,” he snaps, roughly standing up and marching to his room. He feels like a dramatic teen, but it feels pretty damn good after all the anxiety he’s bottled up. He plants himself on the bed and sighs, ruffling his hair. “Dammit. Dammit, Elle, what did I do wrong? Huh? What the fuck did I mess up? Huh? Please, tell me now, why the fuck you’re being so damn weird!”

No answer, but he didn’t expect one. He’s venting into the open air.

“Because as far as I know, you could handle it, you could handle me, and you wanted to! Or was this a scheme to fuck with me? Huh? Screw me over while I’m already down? Why the hell did I trust you?! I... “ He softens, “I let my guard down. I should have known.”

Shane quiets down some and rubs his forehead, not even being able to muster up a tear. It’s just a plethora of emotion hitting him, but not enough to cry; betrayal because she ran away earlier and hasn’t been showing up, confusion about why she’s doing this, and even anger towards himself for being so whiny after just a couple of days. For trusting her like he did. This isn’t fucking normal, is it? She has a life too, Shane, why the fuck are you being like this?

Deep inside, he knows it’s because Elle has been the only thing that has brought him genuine happiness and peace in a long time - even with the added confusion surrounding her. And now that his happiness has been stripped away for a couple of days, so has a level head. If she doesn’t come back soon, he’s going to be back where he was, and he knows that isn’t how it should be.

He knows he shouldn’t rely on one person for happiness.

He just doesn’t care, because being with her felt so damn good, like how he feels getting drunk minus the guilt. He got addicted to her like a dumb fuck, blinded by hope that it’ll just work out.

It never works out, Shane. You’ve learned this so many damn times. Do you ever learn?

“Fuck you,” he whispers, his face heating up. “You better come by soon or I’m going to lose it. You hear me? Why do you get to do this to me?”

After more empty rants, Shane finally lays down in a ball, hugging his pillow like a child would for comfort until sleep takes him for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah dudes ;) hope this chapter was interesting!  
> Also once again, thanks for all the love! A Seb fanfic is in the works, but it might be a while since school has been eating up my time!  
> Have a good week :)


	21. Chapter 21

It has officially been a week and a half since Shane has last seen Elle at his house, and to be quite honest, he’s holding on by a thin thread.

He’s never missed anyone so much that it’s caused physical aches, but yet his body is screaming at him to see her… Or perhaps screaming at him to drink again. It wouldn’t be surprising if it was both.

As made obvious due to his general moodiness, he’s become quite weak without the help of Elle. It’s not just the lack of help, or the fact she isn’t here exactly; it’s the confusion and anxiety assaulting his brain at all times. Every little bump at his window or even just that part of his room is a stab to his stomach, because god dammit, it’s never her. 

Honestly, if she were to show up, he wouldn’t even think he’d be mad. Just relieved.

Okay, he takes that back. He would be kind of pissed. But in the end, he’d be desperate to wrap his arms around her. 

Unfortunately, as much as he’s thought about it and daydreamed her arrival, they’ve only remained silly daydreams. Shane’s reality is waking up, heading to work, heading home, then sleeping, because sleep is all he can do to keep everything at bay.

He’s sure his family has noticed, whether it be Marnie’s concerned glances or Jas’ confused questions. But he doesn’t even want to go into detail about it with Marnie; if Elle could hurt him like she did, then surely he needs to up his defense against people.

Today is another bad day. He wakes up at his normal time and falls into the daily routine he was in before she had come along (minus the alcohol… He hopes only for now); wake up, put his coat on, eat at least something, then work. Mundane and a cutout of the day before. 

After work, Shane begins to head home, passing the Stardrop Saloon with a pleading glance. He just wants something to take away all of the hurt, something to dull the anxiety so badly…

But he can’t. 

He’s been sober for months. He can’t fuck this up… Right?

Shane decides to take a detour towards the lake that he met her at, resting his feet in the water as he sits on the dock. He sighs and lays down across the dock, looking up at the sky in search of answers.

“Why am I so miserable?” he questions. “... When I knew I had it coming?”

This needs to stop. It feels as if his world is forever going to be crashing down, because Elle  _ was  _ his world. 

“Shane, there you are,” Marnie’s voice makes him jump. He sits up to face her, and she takes a seat next to him on the dock. He feels himself bracing a lecture, but she doesn’t open her mouth again for a good few minutes. “So… This weather, huh?”

He laughs. “I know you didn’t come out here to talk about weather.”

“I’m worried for you,” she confesses almost immediately. 

“That makes two of us.”

“... And I’ve seen you get a lot worse within the week,” she continues.

“I feel like I know where this is going.”

“...And I think you should go to counseling or therapy if it’s going to continue to be like this. You’ve become a lot worse and Elle’s only been away for a week.”

“Fucking called it,” he sighs. “I don’t want to go.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a waste.”

“You’re ridiculous,” she snaps, but immediately after attempts to calm herself. “I’m literally offering you help. I’ll pay for it and everything. A way of feeling better is being handed to you. Why aren’t you taking it?”

“Asking the same question in a different way will get the same answer. It’s a  _ waste _ .”

Marnie tenses up next to him, a side effect of building frustration, and Shane knows he’s in for a good scolding. “I’m so sick of it, Shane.”

“Me too.”

“ _ No _ , I mean it! I keep going easy on you because I love you, but it never does anything! I shouldn’t have let you get away without extra help because you met someone new! I’m always making wrong decisions with you, so tell me,  _ what the hell do you need?  _ I don’t want to cause more damage to you but all I want to do is scream! _ ” _

“Why can’t you understand I am genuinely just a lost cause? Or not deserving of help? Even if I did feel better, I wouldn’t contribute more to anything. I’d still be working at Joja, I just wouldn’t feel like absolute shit. Maybe I’m just supposed to be like this.”

“Stop doing that!” she snaps once more. “Dammit, Shane, maybe Elle was a warning that you need help. Maybe you should stop waiting like a lost puppy for her to come back! She may never come back!”

“Stop it,” he warns. “Don’t say that. I’m hanging on by a single thread, and it’s the one that hopes she’ll come.”

“But what if she doesn’t? What then?!”

“I don’t fucking know! Then maybe I’ll just be done with it all! No beer, no Elle, I’ve got nothing!”

“You have a family, a job, and a lot of years left in life! You’ve always had those!” Marnie argues.

“I don’t  _ want  _ those!” he yells. Shane takes a deep breath, standing up and sliding his shoes on. “This is pointless. We’re just yelling at each other. It never helps anything. I’m going home.”

Marnie remains seated at the dock as he stomps back to the ranch, wishing he could just leave everything behind. It’d be easier if he just didn’t care at all, but he’s come to realize he does care to some degree, because he’s still here. 

Shane heads straight to his bed when he gets home and attempts to sleep. He’s so drained from everything, so tired of arguing with Marnie. Of course he understands her frustration, it’s just that she doesn’t understand him, and he hates that nobody seems to understand his feelings. Or even be gentle with his feelings… Despite the times Marnie has apologized for yelling, she still yelled today for something he can’t easily fix. Elle didn't give him the constant lectures, and maybe she understood him more than he thought. At least more than Marnie does.

At around two in the morning, Shane wakes up for an unknown reason. He only notices he feels restless and he probably won’t be falling back asleep.

He paces his room for a few minutes, his thoughts becoming more coherent, and sighs as they immediately go to the woman he misses.

Shane decides he just can’t take it anymore. He’s going to lose it like this. 

Maybe it’s his exhausted irritation making him easier to give in, but he finds himself slipping on his shoes and putting his coat on. He can’t even quite comprehend what he’s doing until Marnie’s car keys are in his pocket and he’s sneaking out of the house.

Shane is going to get a beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS  
> SOMEONE MADE FANART OF ELLE AND SHANE  
> Okay hi- so if you wanna see it here's the link: https://imgur.com/a/9KhEEIR  
> Credit to @NyriaMizell , you can their comments on this story JHFISf. Also idk if there is an actual way to @ a profile on A03, so I just did that and hoped it's right.  
> THEY ARE SO TALENTED! LOOK AT THEM OMG- I saw it right after school and wanted to cry BAHAHA.  
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter! I really was hesitant to make Shane become this lonely and beaten down so soon after Elle 'left', but honestly, I just think it shows how unhealthily dependent he was on her. What do y'all think?


	22. Chapter 22

The streets of Zuzu City aren’t the busiest at around three in the morning. Shane finds himself walking them in search of alcohol, whether it be going into a store and buying a pack or finding a bar that’s open this late. He’ll deal with the consequences later.

He finds a small twenty four hour bar tucked in between a couple of stores and walks inside. It’s vacant besides employees and a couple of people at a table. Shane takes a seat at one of the bar stools and gets out his wallet, taking out what was left from when he was last in the city; a little less than ten dollars. Nothing he can get wasted with, unfortunately, but enough to at least buy a couple of drinks. 

He orders whichever was cheaper, not really used to the wider selection of drinks, and fidgets as the bartender makes his drink.

When the glass is placed in front of him, he hesitates. 

Is he really going to break his sobriety? This is the longest he’s gone without any alcohol. Honestly, he’ll probably never make it this long again… Is he really going to fuck it up?

Shane sighs, wrapping his hand around the cold glass. 

Marnie would be pissed if he were to go through with this. He’d have to really go to counseling. Elle would be disappointed as well… And what would Jas think?

But none of those people are here to stop him, are they?

Shane, blocking out the part of his mind that’s screaming at him to leave the bar, lifts the glass to his mouth and chugs the drink. The bitter taste in his throat is like a welcome home, wrapping its arms around him and letting all the pain he’s been feeling subside. He smiles with relief once he puts the half full glass back down, because finally, he gets to taste the drink again. He’s spent a couple of months, maybe more, starved of the remedy to his pain, and even more starved when Elle left… The days dragging on forever with absolutely no distractions… But now, his body is no longer screaming at him.

This has got to be the best tasting drink he’s ever had. 

Hours pass where he just sits there, the bartender occasionally making conversation about somewhat mundane topics until he has to tend to another customer. Shane finally leaves the bar at around 4:30 in the morning feeling buzzed. He had enough for his body to be satisfied now, his mind fuzzy, and walks back to his car to get home.

Maybe Marnie isn’t up by now and he’ll get off free of consequence. He just has to get home safely, sneak inside, and he’ll be good… Except he has alcohol in his system, enough to interfere with his thought process.

Shane pulls out of his parking space and tries his hardest to focus, knowing what’s on the line if he messes up... 

Would it really be that bad if he never got home safe?

The question plagues him. I mean, he’s already a failure. A huge one for what he had done tonight. Would it really be so bad if he crashed? It’s not like anyone will truly, truly miss him; he doesn’t actually benefit anyone. Marnie has to constantly deal with his feelings, normally failing to do so, and Jas... 

Shane sighs, wishing he could bash his own brains out. Maybe then he could have a blank mind.

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately to him), Shane pulls into the ranch without any mishaps. He gets out of the car and slowly heads inside, feeling a bit uneasy on his feet. When he opens up the door, Marnie sits at her desk, urgently writing until she hears him.

Busted.

“Shane, there you are! Where’d you go?!”

“Uhh, just- just, you know. Town.”

Her eyes narrow in disbelief, her jaw slowly dropping. “Shane, please, please don’t tell me you went somewhere you shouldn’t.”

He stays silent, lowering his head.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she stands up. “You drove drunk?! You  _ got  _ drunk?! After months of hard work, all because you haven’t seen some girl for over a week, you give it all up?!”

“She’s not just some girl!” he argues, taking Marnie aback.

“Are you kidding me? That’s what you have to comment on? Not, you know, the fact you got fucking drunk?!”

“Life is too hard for me! I’m so tired of it! I just needed something to calm me down!”

“Well, newsflash, Shane: life is hard for all of us! It’s how we deal with it that makes it easier, and you deal with it terribly.”

“Like you have room to talk,” he retorts, folding his arms against his chest.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“All you do is yell at me, as if that’s done anything. You say you understand it’s not right, but then we argue again and again.”

She slams her pen on the desk and takes a deep breath. “This isn’t about me, Shane, don’t make it about me when you broke your sobriety. Fine, maybe I do a shit job at handling you. Is that what you want to hear?! Now back to the topic. What the hell went through your mind to sneak away, drink, then drive back home with alcohol in your system?! You could have gotten in an accident.”

“You know, it’s funny you mention that,” he chuckles bitterly. “Because I thought about crashing the car. And you guys could have thought it was just an accident. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with another damn argument.”

“What are you trying to say?” Marnie chokes up. “What, you want to die?”

“Maybe I do.”

“You can’t say that,” she snaps, making Shane jump. He wasn’t expecting hostility. “After all that Jas and I have endured for you, and after all the times I’ve tried to help. You can’t fucking say that.”

“I just did. I’m selfish, I know it. You don’t need to rub in that I still want to die, even with your attempts to help.”

She sucks in a breath, trying not to cry, her voice shaking as she speaks. “You’re going to get help, okay? We’re going to make this better for you. You’re going to take medication if needed, or go to a therapist, or whatever you need. Clearly, I can’t do anything to help other than make you go.”

“Don’t waste your money,” he grumbles. “I’ll just take care of the problem. I almost did earlier.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? What the hell is wrong with you, making these remarks? What happened to your empathy, huh?”

“I think you know exactly what I meant.”

“I can call somewhere and make sure you don’t take care of it, Shane. You’re staying alive.”

“Fuck you,” he stomps away and to his room, slamming the door. 

He does truly want death, but he was never far from wanting it before today. When he was especially bad with drinking, he wanted to die then as well, but the beer did keep him distracted from thoughts like that.

When Elle was here, he had something to look forward to as well as a distraction. Of course thoughts like those were still there, although duller, but now? He’s forced to  _ deal  _ with the thoughts head on, and that’s something he never prepared for. He always had help, but now his way of aid is supposed to be gone.

He just wants release from his pain, and in his mind, death is the most viable option since alcohol isn't going to be in his system again any time soon, nor would Elle show up. He thinks he just has to disappoint everyone one last time, then it would be over.

Shane decides not to go in for work since he barely slept, and instead sleeps through when he’d normally get up. He’s afraid to leave his room due to not wanting another argument, so he stays awake, watching tv to pass the time when he can’t sleep any longer

When he hears urgent footsteps approaching his door, he holds his breath and hopes that nobody will come inside. The door swings open, and a panicked Marnie comes into view. She glances around the room, her face falling even more, and it only confuses Shane. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“It’s Jas. She’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY---  
> Hope you enjoyed ;)


	23. Chapter 23

“Gone?! What do you mean?” Shane sits up.

“I was waking up Jas for school, but she wasn’t there. I looked around the house. I looked in here hoping she’s with you. She’s not here.”

“Fuck,” Shane swears. “Okay. What do we do? It’s too early to file a missing person’s report.”

“Maybe she’s with Vincent. Hopefully. Or went to the beach. Or the lake. God dammit,” Marnie paces the room as she lists off the possibilities. “I put her to bed. She was in bed when you got home. I’ve been up since then. When did she leave?”

“Hell if I know! Should we look around town? Check at Vincent’s?”

Marnie nods. “You look around for her. I’ll ask around and check Vincent’s. Do you have your phone charged?”

“No.”

“Then meet back here at 11 if you don’t find her.”

“Okay,” Shane nods, taking a deep breath. He puts on his coat and slides his shoes on, heading outside. Marnie follows behind, going separate ways once they get deeper into town. She heads to where Vincent lives, while Shane takes the path to the lake Jas and him have played at in the past.

No sign of her. He feels his anxiety growing, wondering if she's lost, or even if someone took her. It all feels so hopeless, even though the hunt has just begun, because he doesn’t know where to even look. She’s never done this before.

Shane continues his hunt for her at the beach, scanning everywhere he walks on his way. He passes some people who are out and about, but never tries to ask about Jas, feeling as though if they knew where she is, then surely they’d let him or Marnie know. Jas is a little kid who shouldn’t be out on the loose early in the morning, they’d know that, right? Especially because usually she’s always with someone?

When he gets to the beach, there's no sign of anyone. His heart sinks lower in his chest, aching with worry. 

What if he never sees her again?

The question is a punch to his gut.

What if this is all his fault?

"Jas," he murmurs to himself, head facing the sand near his feet. "Fine. I care about you. And Marnie. This proves it, doesn't it? It was my fault somehow, right? I'm sure it was. You're gone the morning after I come home drunk in months. It can't be just a coincidence. Please, please come back."

After a few painful seconds of silence, a voice fills the air. "You got drunk?" 

Her voice shakes Shane to his very core, Elle's lovely voice that he missed so much. A flurry of emotions hit him at once, and when he lifts his head up to meet her bright eyes, all he can do is stare.

It's a lot easier to be pissed at her than expected. 

"Elle?! What the fuck?  _ What the fuck?!  _ What are you doing here?"

"Shane, I can explain why I've been gone-"

"-A note would have been nice! A knock on the window! Fucking anything so I know  _ why!  _ Especially because of the timing!-"

"-Shane-"

"-No! Shut the fuck up! Just-!" He takes a deep, quivering breath, trying desperately to control his feelings. He wants to scream, cry, and give her a hug all at once. He wants to cling to her like she's a lifeline, but at the same time, push her as far away as possible. 

Elle places a hand on his shoulder, her cold fingers making him jump. "You can be mad at me later, but I saw Jas earlier and I think I know where she went."

He raises his head at this new information. "Where?"

"The bus to Zuzu City. She was heading that way and had a backpack. I don't know if she had money, but we should get going as soon as we can."

"How do you know? And why didn't you follow?! I wouldn't have known unless I went here and found you! You know what- we'll talk about it later. Just please, don't leave again."

Elle brings her hand down to squeeze his, nodding. "I know. It's complicated. Let's get going. We can't waste any time.”

Confused, Shane keeps his hand interlaced with hers, slowly turning towards town. Elle stops. "I thought we had to hurry," Shane states when she doesn't move.

"I-I forgot something. I'll meet you in Zuzu City, right where the bus drops people off. I swear on my life. If you find her, then don’t come and I’ll meet you at your house this evening."

"Elle, you're  _ really  _ confusing me."

"Just go. Look at the bus stop, then if she's not there, take the car," Elle is about to let go of his hand, but he keeps it in his, slightly shaking still.

Shane wants to say something heartfelt, because he's missed her so much, and while he's angry and confused, he just  _ needs  _ her to know it's only temporary. He wants to somehow communicate how much he likes her, and how much he seems to need her, even with pain still new in him because of her. "Hey, I… I missed you a lot."

She sighs. "I know. I did too. You need to get going, though, this isn't the time."

"Right. Jas," with that, Shane let's go of Elle and almost sprints off towards town, cutting in between houses and buildings to get to the bus station. He finds the bus stop completely empty, anxiety choking up his throat as he heads back to the ranch to get the car. “This isn’t fucking good,” he murmurs to himself as he snatches the keys from Marnie’s desk. He leaves a quick note saying he found out Jas might be in Zuzu on her desk as well, then hurries to the car and speeds off.

Like promised, Elle waits for Shane at the bus stop. He parks his car close, gets out, then hurries over to her. “Did you see her?” he asks instantly.

“Not yet. I’m assuming she wasn’t in Pelican Town?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “Where do we even start looking?”

“I don’t know. You know her better than I do.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t exactly been present in her life. Like I would know where she’d wanna go.”

Elle rolls her eyes. “That’s funny considering I know you two hang out and stuff. Look. Just choose somewhere she has liked to go to in the past.”

Shane tensely nods. He can sense Elle’s stress, but after all, he’s getting quite stressed over Jas’ whereabouts as well. He decides to head to the toy store they had gone to when they came to the city together, wondering if she perhaps went to look at dolls. Honestly he doubts it, but it’s somewhere to start. 

The two walk inside of the toy store, Shane heading to the doll aisle as Elle follows. Unfortunately, his hunt is to no avail; Jas doesn’t seem to be here. “Great. Not here,” he mutters to Elle.

“Ask the cashier if they saw a little girl, maybe?” she suggests.

“Doubt it, but sure,” he heads over to the employee, anxiety crawling up his back with every minute of uncertainty. Like a weight is in his stomach, one different from the weight of disappointment or sadness. He asks the employee if they’ve seen a little girl walk in alone, describing Jas’ appearance, but only gets a head shake.

He defeatedly returns to Elle and tells her the result, so they head outside and lean against the wall of the store. Elle’s the first to speak when they get out. “So, where now?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know many places here. She could have gone exploring for all we know. She could have not even been heading to the city in the first place.”

Elle sighs. “Well, we can’t give up already. That was the first store. Come on, where now?”

He wipes his face as he thinks, although nothing is there to wipe off. More of something to do with hands so he doesn’t lose it. “I don’t know. Ugh, should we just walk around and if there’s a store that looks like something she’d like, go in?”

“Shane, this city is too big to just ‘walk around’. Why don’t we tell the city police or something?”

“Maybe,” he responds. “God dammit.”

“Before we do that, do you have any more ideas?”

After a few seconds, he says something. “Maybe the pet store. She liked petting and watching the animals.”

“Cool, let’s get going then.”

Shane nods, scanning the area to find any landmarks that he remembers being by the pet store. Elle follows as he tries to figure out the right way to go, both of them growing impatient. Shane hates how lost he feels in the city, how out of control everything feels, and how easy it is to lose track of where he is due to the crowds. He just wants to be safe at home with Jas, Marnie, and Elle. He wants to go back to how it was earlier, when he and Elle would hang out in the evening, then he’d try to spend time with Jas between after work and seeing Elle.

When he finally finds the pet store, the two hurry inside and look around. They begin at the reptile enclosures, progressing throughout the store, and when Shane sees a poof of black hair petting a dog, his heart drops into his stomach. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember writing this chapter at a birthday party... LMAO YES. I was literally writing where Shane found Elle as people were eating cake... My writing waits for nothing.  
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed ;) I didn't do a final proofread this time, uh, whoops


	24. Chapter 24

“Elle, I think I found her,” he smiles at the woman. She smiles back, relief crossing her face.

“I’m going to give you some time. I’ll see you this evening, okay?”

“What? No, she’s wanted to meet you. You can’t leave already.”

“Shane,” she sighs, giving a crestfallen smile. “I promise I’ll tell you everything. I’ll see you this evening.”

Before he can respond, she walks away, leaving him confused. But he can’t dwell on it right now; he needs to worry about Jas first.

Shane approaches the little girl and cautiously asks, “Jas?”

She turns around, her eyes widening. “Shane?”

Instead of harshly scolding her for running off, he kneels down and wraps her into a tight hug. “What were you thinking, kid?” he mumbles.

Jas buries herself into his shoulder. “I was tired of hearing fighting.”

He sighs. “Thought so. Come on, let’s go home. We can talk about it in the car and with Marnie later.”

Jas lets go of him and pets the nearby dog one last time, taking Shane’s hand as he leads her back to the car. She sits in the front passenger seat and they begin heading home.

“Well,” he starts after a few seconds of tense silence. “First off, I’m sorry.”

“That’s what you always say,” she whines.

“...I know, kid.”

“But then you and Marnie yell again.”

He says silent for a few seconds. “I know… I know it’s hard to understand why I do it… But I promise I’m trying. Life is really hard for me a lot of times… And I try to keep it from you so you don’t get upset, but it’s hard to do that.”

Her lip subtly wobbles, as if trying to keep in tears. “But- But you said you wanted to crash the car.”

He sighs, his face falling even more. “Yeah…”

“I’ve made it worse, haven’t I?” she turns her head to meet Shane’s eyes.

“What? Jas, you haven’t at all. We were worried about you, but look, Marnie and I arguing isn’t your fault. I’m the one who messes up and it’s my own fault. Don’t ever blame it on yourself. You shouldn't have ran off, but I can't be angry knowing the reason.”

She nods, a tear leaving her eye and slowly falling down her cheek. 

The rest of the car ride is silent. When they arrive home, they head inside to meet Marnie, who’s pacing the main room. The moment she sees Jas, she rushes over and wraps her into a big hug. “Jas! What were you thinking? You could have gotten hurt! Or someone could have tried to take you!”

“I’m sorry,” Jas responds, hugging back. “I just wanted away from the yelling. I took the earliest bus to Zuzu they had and walked around the city for a while. It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

Marnie’s expression softens. “Honey…”

“I’m really sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have snuck out… But…” Marnie seems conflicted. “But I understand where you’re coming from. I'm sick of it too."

"Am I in trouble?"

She sighs, biting her lip. "I… I don't know. Why don't you head to your room and take a big nap, and then we'll talk later, okay?"

Jas nods tiredly, letting go of her and walking to her room. The two hear her door close, and so Marnie faces Shane. "Well, Shane… How did you find out where she was?"

"It was Elle. I was looking at the beach and she came out of nowhere and told me she saw Jas heading to the bus."

"Elle?" She heads to the kitchen, motioning for him to follow. He obliges and they sit at the table. 

"Yeah. She said she'd show up this evening and explain everything."

"Shane… You can't depend on her for your happiness like you did before she left for over a week."

He nods. "I know…"

"And I mean it about counseling…"

"This is going to go in a circle and you know it."

She shakes her head. "I'm too exhausted to fight. I've got stuff to do. We'll talk more on the subject tomorrow." Marnie stands up and walks away from him, leaving him to soak in his own confusion and shame about everything. He hopes Elle only has good news tonight, or even just a good explanation for her disappearance. 

  
  
  
  
  


It's been raining since 4 pm.

Shane has spent most of the day playing video games, a desperate attempt to melt away his anxiety towards this evening as well as with how things will change. 

Jas and him haven't spoken a word since before her nap, making him even more nervous, but that doesn't matter right now.

Elle should be by any minute.

He waits with his tv on low volume, taking occasional glances towards the window she usually taps on with hopes high. After jumping due to several false alarms, finally the sound he’s been waiting for fills the air. Shane jumps up and quickly unlocks the window to let Elle inside. She’s soaked from the rain, a subtle smile crossing her face when the two meet eyes. 

Once inside, Shane closes the window and wraps her into a hug, memorizing every one of his senses when he’s near her like this. The smell of her hair when he buries his head into her neck, the feeling of her cold arms around him and the fact he can feel where every finger is on his back, and her voice as she whispers something into his ear. “I’m so sorry.”

Relief overpowers his anger and confusion, as well as the yearning for her being fulfilled. “I’m so glad you’re okay… I know it was just a couple of weeks, but I was so used to seeing you almost every evening… And since you left after…” he trails off, feeling too bashful to say the word ‘kissed’ or ‘cuddled’. “...I thought I had fucked it all up.”

To his surprise, a soft whimper fills the air, and he breaks from the hug to figure out what it was. Elle’s tears make him frown, slowly dripping down her flushed cheeks. 

“Elle?” he questions, taking her small hand in his big one. With his free hand, he gently wipes her icy tears away. “Why are you crying? Did I- Did I do something?”

She shakes her head, sniffing and brushing her blonde hair behind her ears. “Can we go on a drive? I’ll explain more, I promise…”

“Yeah, of course,” he nods. “Head to the car, I’ll get the keys.”

Before he goes, Elle squeezes his hand, leans in, and gently kisses his lips. The corner of his mouth rises to make a half smile as he squeezes her hand back, then he walks out of the room.

He gives Marnie a quick rundown of what happened and why he needs the keys, knowing she’s suspicious about him going out at night, but ultimately he comes back with them and unlocks the car. The two get in and he begins to drive away from Pelican Town, starting the conversation Shane has been dying to have.

“So… What happened while I was gone?” she starts.

He shrugs, feeling pathetic for how down he got. “Not much… I guess I missed you a lot. I uh, I drank alcohol.”

“Because of me?” her voice falters, seemingly scared for his answer.

“I mean, somewhat… But I’m already a mess. It’s not like this was all your fault. I’m just not strong enough.”

She stays silent, looking down at her hands, and it’s clear she’s avoiding talking about her whereabouts.

“Wanna play the question game?” he asks. “You can ask me whatever the hell you want, just as long as we both are honest. It’s clear we’re tiptoeing around shit.”

She nods, resting her hand on his for what he assumes is comfort. “Can we go somewhere first? I’ll give you directions… I just want to be with you for a little bit until I explain.”

Shane glances at Elle, thinking. While he wants to know where she’s been now, the way she looks at him… Even being socially inept, he knows it’ll be worth it to go to where she wants first before the news is dropped. “Where to?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Hopefully Elle's explanation will be worth listening to ;)


	25. Chapter 25

“Park here.”

The two have been in the car for a good twenty minutes, Elle directing him to a mysterious place to talk. It’s dark out, nearing pitch black, and Shane hopes they don’t get lost. Regardless of his skepticism, he trusts Elle more than his doubts, and therefore follows her as she gets out of the car. Elle takes a flashlight from her pocket, tossing an extra one to Shane, then takes his hand. “So… Where are we?” he asks. “Because this is exactly where you’d kill me if you were a serial killer.”

Elle clicks on her flashlight, lighting up the empty field in front of them. “You’ll like it. Just follow me.”

“O...Kay.”

The two walk in silence, the only sound filling the air being animals, occasional cars passing them on the road, and other undefined noises. 

Now that Shane notices it, it’s a lot cooler out at night than he remembers. He can still recall the day he met Elle, and how it was warm out even during the night… But now, he finds himself a bit cold. When did the weather change like this? Is he that oblivious to the things around him?

Why are they even here, in this empty field, when it’s this dark out? Why couldn’t they have talked in the car?

A few minutes later, Shane is broken from his thoughts when Elle stops. He now realizes they’re on a hill, and in front of them is the darkened sky with specks of bright stars and a vibrant moon. Elle lays down on the grass, bringing Shane down with her, and they lay side by side. “I haven’t been here in forever,” she says, clicking off her flashlight. “It’s kind of like… My place to think. But I think you deserve to see it too. I’ll give you the directions to get here, so if you ever miss me, you can come by.”

“I’d be coming by a lot, then,” Shane says, staring up at the night sky. He rests his head on Elle’s shoulder, enjoying being so close to her.

She sighs. “Yeah…”

Shane frowns at her behaviour, sitting up and leaning over her. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I have to,” she stares at him, reaching up and running her hands through his hair when he stays in this position. “Your hair is really soft.”

He smiles gently, resting his hand on top of hers that’s touching his hair. “Remember when you couldn’t even sit close to me? Because I wouldn't let you?”

She laughs quietly. “Yeah. And when you’d just always tell me to fuck off.”

“God, how do you stand me? I was a jerk to you from the start,” he half jokes, this time running his hands through her hair. As always, she’s cold.

“Because I- I really like you, stupid,” she smiles. “Duh.”

“Well, I-I really like you too,” he mocks her.

“Oh, hush,” she pulls him back down to lay next to her, and another great silence fills the air. 

Eventually, Shane decides to start digging for answers. “You’ve been acting like someone died ever since you came back… Did something like that happen..?”

She stays silent, moving her head to lean right above his.”Not exactly.”

“Then let’s play the game now so I can know what’s happening. No more avoiding.”

“Right…”

“I’ll go first. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’?” he raises his voice a bit, confused.  _ Nothing _ ? Oh, yeah, she left because nothing happened. Or maybe it was because he hasn’t been doing anything to help her? As in he’s done literally nothing?

“It’s my turn to ask a question. How much beer did you drink when I was gone?”

“A glass or two I think..? I can’t even remember. I didn’t have too much since I ran out of money.”

“Okay, that’s better than it could have been,” she breathes out with relief.

“Where did you go exactly?”

She hesitates. “Uhh, well… Out of Pelican Town.”

“No shit. I asked exactly. Where did you go? I thought we were past avoiding questions.”

“I don’t know how to describe it. I guess at some point I went to Zuzu City.”

“Fucking knew it!” Shane sits up, accidentally bumping Elle as he does this. “You saw me in the city, didn’t you?”

“It’s not your turn to ask a question.”

“Fuck off.”

“I thought we were past you being a dick.”

Shane narrows his eyes at her. “What the hell is your problem tonight? You’re not acting like yourself… You were kind of yourself earlier, but now you’re being pissy.”

“My turn to ask a question,” she sits up now, a strange feeling of irritation surrounding her. Her voice is sharp with him. How did the mood change so quickly? “Do you like me, or do you just like having a distraction?”

The question catches him extremely off guard. “What? That’s your fucking question?”

“Knew it,” she crosses her arms.

“Of course I fucking like you, I mean it’s cool to have distractions, but when you were gone I missed  _ you  _ more than anything. If I missed distractions, I would have just gone to Jas, but I didn’t because I wanted  _ you. _ ”

“Well that makes this all so much harder, then,” her voice falters. “Dammit.”

“Makes  _ what  _ harder? Elle, talk to me,” he takes her hand again, hoping to get through to her. “You know you can…”

“... I just wanted to see you, so I went to the city. You somehow found me, even though I was trying to be careful.”

“Careful? What, you can’t walk up to me when I’m with my family? Come to think of it, you’ve never even met my family. You’ve always gone out of your way to  _ avoid  _ them.” He stands up to his feet, backing a little bit away from her, and she stands up as well.

“No, it’s- It’s not like that-”

“Then what is it like?”

She sighs, tucking her hair behind her ears. “It’s my turn to ask a question.”

He rolls his eyes at her persistent avoidance of giving answers. 

“Would you be okay going to get professional help?”

“Oh, not this shit,” he lets out a frustrated groan. “What, did you meet Marnie? Did she put you up to this?”

“No. My turn again since you asked a question. Why the hell wouldn’t you go?”

“God, do I have to explain it to everyone?” Shane finds himself pacing slightly. “I am just un-fucking-savable from this state. Okay? Oh wait, sorry, that was a question. Looks like it’s your turn again.”

“Shane, I didn’t mean anything from that- just- try to calm down,” she makes him stay still by putting her hands on his shoulders. “Ask a question.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter, you’ll just give a vague answer. And then I’ll ask a rhetorical question and you’ll take it literally to avoid answering more questions. God- how am I supposed to do all this shit with understanding life, when I’ve got to understand you  _ too _ ?” 

She nods. “You’re right…”

“And?”

“And… Before I explain, please just… I  _ really  _ like you, okay? And nothing changes that.”

“What, did you kiss a guy?” he half chuckles.

“No, I…” she trails off. “Fuck, this is hard. I’m afraid you’ll fucking lose it.”

“Elle,” he calms himself down enough to not snap at her again, looking into her eyes. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure out what to do. I really like you too.”

She nods, pouting, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. As Elle begins to talk again, she refuses to meet his eyes. “Okay… Uh… So, years back, a new farmer had moved into Pelican Town. Talk of the town, you know? It was quite a while ago, in fact, I don’t know if you’d remember it.”

Shane wonders what this has to do with anything, but stays silent, letting her continue.

“And she was… Really fucking sad. No matter where she moved. But she wanted to take over her grandpa’s farm, thinking maybe that would give her some incentive to do shit. But it didn’t work…”

When she trails off, he asks, “I don’t mean to be rude, but… What does this have to do with anything?”

“I’m her.”

“You’re… Her? Okay... Uh…” Shane is unsure how to reply, wondering why this was such a big deal. She’s a farmer? Cool? And maybe she’s older than he thought? Big deal, he’s 30. 

“And she… She ended her life over ten years ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom. How are you guys feeling? I've gotten some comments with correct guesses in the past  
> I hope my explanation doesn't seem too improvised within the next couple of chapters because it most definitely is :) I wasn't 100% on Elle's backstory until I had to write it, though I did have a general idea   
> BADHAID  
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed! You'll get more of an explanation next week ;) As you can tell, I'm loving cliff hangers


	26. Chapter 26

He laughs nervously, thinking maybe she was messing with him. But she only stares at him deadpan. “Elle, uh, you’re in front of me. Therefore not dead.”

“I’m not human.”

“You’re… What? Were you gone because you got into an accident? And now your brain is kinda fucked up?”

“Shane, I’m serious. I’m dead. I’m a ghost.”

“No you’re fucking not. Why were you really gone?” He feels himself getting worked up. She had been gone this long, and  _ this  _ is the explanation she gives?! This half assed, paranormal shit?

“We were getting closer and I know it wouldn’t work out since I’m not human. So I wondered how you’d do without me. But I missed you so much too… And I didn’t expect to get so attached…”

“The joke’s over. Really.”

“I just wanted to save you...”

“The joke is going too far, Elle.”

“...Since I couldn’t save myself.”

“ _ The joke is over!” _

“ _ There is no joke!” _

Shane kicks a nearby rock, yelling. “How the fuck is it that the only person I’ve wanted to try for isn’t real? Huh? You have to be real!”

“I’m real! Just a- a ghost. A spirit.”

“So then why can I see you? Aren’t ghosts supposed to be invisible?”

“I become so real to you that you do see me? I don’t know! Maybe it’s because you’re the one I’m helping? Don’t ask me how these things work. I just made it my mission to help you… Not for all this extra stuff. You’re the only person who talks to me.”

“Congratu-fucking-lations, you’re the only person who talks to me that doesn’t have to! Before you, I didn’t have anyone either!”

“Shane, calm down,” she tries to de-escalate the situation before he really loses it.

“It all makes sense now. I should have known. You’re also so freezing cold- and you’ve never been around any other people but me- and fuck, you disappeared when I was trying to follow you in the city. I've never had to take you home and- and you’ve never had to talk to anyone but me. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Dammit! Since when were ghosts even real? I probably looked like a fucking lunatic to other people when I was talking to the air!” he rants on.

“Shane-”

“-Stop saying my name!-”

“-I need you to shut up!” she yells. He nods, taking a deep breath. “Because we need to figure out what to do now. Obviously you did shitty without me, but I-it could never work. So I need you to actually think you’re savable, and I need you to go home and let Marnie send you somewhere that will help you.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“I can assure you she has money to pay for it-”

“ _ No,  _ this isn’t worth it,” he motions to everything around him, which Elle sees since both of their eyes are adjusted to the dark by this point. “I’m never going to find you again. We can make it work, right? Right?! It was working earlier! I don’t give two fucks what you are, I need you!”

“Shane,” her voice softens. She approaches him, sadness in her eyes. “If I could take what I did back, I would… But even so, I would be old by now if I was alive. Probably not living in Pelican Town…”

He takes a shaky breath, backing away from her before he begins to cry.

“And that’s why I think it’s best I just stay away from people… I like them, then it goes too far,” her head tilts down to the ground. “For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry. This hurts me too, but I- I’m trying to be strong.”

“I thought it was weird you avoided answering personal questions, but I-I didn’t think much of it. Dammit. Usually it’s easier to just block out people. And you could have prevented this and just left me alone!

“Shane, you should get home,” she ignores the last bit he had said.

He blinks, tears bursting from his eyes. “I can’t do it.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I can’t,” he shakes his head. “There’s no fucking way.”

“Get home.”

“Is this the last time I’ll see you?” His voice breaks, dreading the answer because he knows deep inside what she’ll say.

Elle stays silent, but he can hear a sniffle come from her. That’s enough of an answer for him.

“I’m going to miss you so much, you know that?”

She nods, avoiding meeting his eyes. “I will too… if you ever get really bad… I’m going to be at this hill. Okay?”

Shane shoves his hands in his coat pockets, keeping his eyes to the ground. He doesn’t want to leave her, though he feels so hurt. So  _ used.  _ She was the one who fucking kissed him and showed interest, she should have stopped herself. She should have left him alone the day they met. She knew this would happen eventually.

He approaches her and gently tilts her head up with both of his hands, staring into her eyes that have always been empty. He noticed it the day they met, and he notices it now in the dark. It was just another sign she wasn’t human, wasn’t worth his time, and yet he ignored it.

Shane wipes away his own tears with the inside of his elbow, then wipes away hers with his fingers. He kisses her softly, a goodbye so he doesn’t leave on a bad note, then backs away, looking over her one last time. “I think I love you,” he murmurs. “Or something close to that.” She gives him a small smile, and he feels his heart crush even more that she had nothing to say to that.

He clicks on his flashlight and walks towards the car, something close to a numbness spreading over his body, and begins to drive away. 

During the drive is when he truly loses it.

First is always the tears; the countless painful tears that run down his face. He gives up on wiping them away and deals with blurred vision as well as the snot running from his nose.

Then the yelling. Yelling about it all.

“I feel so stupid. For giving her a chance. Kissing her. Fucking dumbass! And I told her I loved her. Oh yeah, Shane, I’m sure though she’s known you for months and is not as fucking stupid as you, she’d return the feelings. What would it matter anyways, though, because she’s gone! Forever! I hate myself so much.”

He finds himself stopping at a liquor store he nearly passes while driving, wiping his eyes and grabbing some money from his pocket. He had borrowed some from Marnie, claiming he and Elle might go somewhere to buy something, and though she was hesitant, she gave him it.

Her suspicions were right, somehow, because now look at him; a pack of beer next to him in the car, one open as he speeds towards home. He chugs it, tossing the empty beer into the back and opening up another one. His senses start to blend together, vision blurring, but regardless he keeps driving.

He thinks maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll get into a car accident. 

Shane believes this was destiny, in a way. The never ending cycle of disappointment. He tries to fix shit, this time getting help along the way, but he got his hopes up, and now he’s disappointed. His disappointment melted into  _ being  _ a disappointment. Ultimately, his destiny is to live off beer, and maybe his destiny is to die this way too. 

Shane gets home utterly shitfaced, parking halfway out of the driveway, and stumbles out of the car. He’s still crying, even with warmth filling him all over, and his entire body shakes in addition to his drunken attempts at walking. He eventually collapses to the ground, hiding his face in the grass as he hears a door open and quick footsteps approach.

“Shane?! SHANE?!” Marnie yells, flipping him over. A beer can rolls out from underneath him and she gasps softly, shaking him until his eyes open up.

“Marnie-” he cries. “-I-”

“We need to get you inside, honey,” she tries to pull him up from the grass, but he stays there like a rock. “Or to a hospital. How many have you had?!”

“I… She’s not real…”

“What?” Marnie stops in her tracks.

“She’s not- Jiselle isn’t human,” he rolls back onto his stomach and hiccups, vomiting a bit into the grass.

“Shane, I think you’re out of it- We need to get you inside, okay? But I need you to try and stand up. ”

“I can’t.”

“Come on.”

“I’ll never see her again.”

Marnie tries to pull him up once again, this time being more successful. She manages to lean him against the car, looking inside to see how much alcohol he’s had. “Shane, this isn’t good. I’m going to call an ambulance,” she decides, taking her phone from her pocket.

“I’m  _ fine.  _ See?” he pushes himself off the car, showing he can balance, but almost falls before leaning back against the car again. “Okaaay, maybe I should lay down… Near a cliff… Hah, you know, Marnie, she told me to get help before she said goodbye.”

“Are you going to listen to her?”

“I… Haven’t thought that far,” he lets out a big sigh accompanied by another hiccup. “Did you know she wasn’t real this whole time?”

“No, of course I didn’t,” she responds, dialing 911 into her phone.

“Marnie, I- I’m so tired,” he murmurs, leaning into his aunt. “I wish I could just- just feel better already. But I just drank can after can and I still want to roll off a cliff.”

“That’s why you need help,” she says, making sure the vomit on his face doesn’t get on her as she brings the phone to her ear. Shane slurs some incoherent response as Marnie talks on the phone, whining about all the things that have gone wrong within the past 24 hours until finally, the rest of the alcohol hits his system. He drops down to the ground, unconscious, as Marnie screams upon realizing the severity of the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh I forgot the way the chapter ended- I'm sorry for yet another cliff hanger SBAHDB  
> Hope you enjoyed! Only a few chapters left... I promise Shane'll get a happy ending in the end. I love him too much to not give him a good ending after all I've made him go through


	27. Chapter 27

_ “Shane, you’re doing great things for me,” a rough and worn voice fills the room. He’s talking to a young pudgy boy, and it takes Shane two seconds to realize it’s him as a child. _

_ Is this some sort of out of body experience? _

_ Adult Shane looks down to where his own hands are supposed to be, but there’s nothing. He takes the time to glance around as he hears Child Shane ask, “But what does it do?” Adult Shane realizes he’s in the tower near the ranch belonging to an old and possibly insane man who goes by M. Rasmodius. A peculiar individual, but he’s never cared enough to figure out if the man belongs in a mental institution for claiming he’s a wizard. The thing is, Shane doesn’t even remember this - and wait, what the hell is going on? _

_ “I can’t tell you, but I promise, you’ll know if it worked.” _

_ “Aunt Marnie says to not take things from strangers.” _

_ He sighs. “I’m not a stranger, Shane. You can call me Ras. See? Not a stranger, you know my name and I know yours.” _

_ Child Shane hesitates, twiddling with a piece of candy from his pocket. Adult Shane cringes at his younger self, being brought back to the candy stash he had always carried with him. No wonder he’s always been overweight. “Will any bad things happen?” _

_ Rasmodius shakes his head. “Of course not; I’m almost positive there will be no bad side effects. All you have to do is drink it.” _

_ “Does it taste funny?” _

_ “Maybe a little, but nothing you can’t handle, right? You’re a brave boy.” _

_ Ha. That’s rich. _

_ Child Shane was afraid to speak up at school for himself, afraid of adults in general, and afraid of the world outside of his room. And in a way, Adult Shane still is like his child self. He can’t even fathom how his child self got to this point; talking to the insane man in his tower. Normally, he’d be running back to his room to hide for a while until he felt safe again. _

_ “Okay…” Child Shane skeptically agrees, motioning for the drink. Rasmodius smiles mischievously, scooping the liquid from his cauldron into a cup. “Very good choice. If you see anything or anyone out of the ordinary, do let me know. I want to know if it worked.” _

_ He nods, cautiously lifting the drink to his face. Adult Shane doesn’t remember what the concoction tastes like, but he can tell from the child’s facial expressions that it wasn’t pleasant. He coughs after taking the drink, handing the empty cup back to the man. “Can I go home now?” He asks, unwrapping a candy to rid of the drink’s flavor. _

_ “Of course. And one thing - don’t tell your aunt about our little friendship, okay?” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “She doesn’t see things like we do; you and I see this as you helping me. She’ll think I’m hurting you. There’s so many stories out there about me, but the bad ones aren’t true. I’m kind of like a scientist doing experiments, but they don’t see that. Besides, eventually you’ll forget this little thing all happened.” _

_ “Okay. I won’t tell anyone,” Child Shane nods. He turns around and heads down the stairs, leaving Adult Shane with Rasmodius. _

_ “This is how I could see Elle, isn’t it?” he questions. “I was a little experiment for a fucking lunatic. And now it’s fucked me in the ass, huh? You did this shit to me.” _

_ Rasmodius can’t hear him. _

_ “I want out of here,” he heads down the stairs of the wizard tower, finding Child Shane opening the door and skipping out. “You stupid kid,” he sneers, a sliver of longing in his voice. “Just wait until high school, then shit gets real. You’ll be sneaking off to drink then, pal.” _

_ Though he continues to talk down to his child self, he doesn’t actually feel upset towards that part of him. He instead feels nostalgic wondering where his youth and happiness all went. His real anger is towards Rasmodius for being the cause of this, and Elle for not leaving him when she should have known where their relationship would go. _

_ But wait, what happened after he left the hill? _

_ He can’t remember a damn thing. He vaguely remembers driving and stopping somewhere, but can’t recall where he stopped, nor what happened after stopping. Did he get home last night? Or is this some sort of form of his life flashing before his eyes?  _

_ He decides to follow his child self, hoping that he’d lead him to a way out of here. A way to more memories, perhaps. But the moment he sets foot out of the tower, his world goes black. _

  
  


_ Shane finds himself once again as a child. They’re in a different setting this time; his room. There’s toys and video games scattering the floor, as well as candy wrappers overflowing the trash can. That was how he dealt with anxiety at the time - candy. That obviously transformed into beer as he grew older. Child Shane is hiding under his bed, although due to his overweight physique, it’s pretty crowded and could be considered claustrophobic. Regardless, he hides. _

_ Adult Shane kneels down to get a better look, realizing he isn't hiding from nothing; the boy definitely saw something that scared the shit out of him. _

_ Why can’t Adult Shane recall this memory either? _

_ “Get away from me!” his child self yells, scooting even closer to the wall from under the bed. “How did you get in here? Marnie! MARNIE!” _

_ Adult Shane turns around to see someone. An old man, one he recognized as owning the farm who he also recalls dying when Shane was a child. _

_ The man’s dead. _

_ Both Shane’s are seeing a spirit. _

_ Marnie barges into the room, nearly unrecognizable. Unlike her current state of being overweight and tired (no offense to her), this Marnie looks young and in shape. There're no heavy bags under her eyes, her brown hair is neatly combed instead of in a rushed braid. “Shane, what’s wrong?!” _

_ “He’s here! Right in front of you!” _

_ “Who is?!” _

_ “The old man! I don’t know his name - don’t you see him?!” _

_ Marnie softens, seeing nobody else in the room. “Shane… Come out. Nobody is in here.” _

_ “He’s HERE!” _

_ “Shane-” _

_ “HE’S HERE, MARNIE!” _

_ “SHANE!” she yells, immediately regretting raising her voice. Oh, how the times have changed. “I-” _

_ Child Shane sobs, scared of both the man standing there, watching him, and Marnie’s raised voice. _

_ “Shane, honey, come out. I’ll make sure nothing gets you, I promise.” _

_ He sniffs, wiping his tears away. Adult Shane frowns, feeling the anxiety that his child self felt in this memory. The boy slowly crawls out from underneath the bed, running into Marnie’s arms and hiding his face from the old man. The old man sighs, slowly backing up and disappearing at the blink of an eye.  _

_ Marnie leads Child Shane out of the room, prompting Adult Shane to follow, but as soon as he exits the room, his world goes black once again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah haha improvised ending and explanation? Hahah whaaaaat? That's silly!!  
> Okay but despite that, I hope you enjoyed getting more insight into what happened and also Shane's childhood.  
> Also next week's posting will be a bit different. I'm gonna post Monday, but then I only have two chapters left, so I decided I'd post one more on Christmas Eve and the last one on Christmas day as a present to you guys.   
> :)


	28. Chapter 28

The steady beeping of a heart monitor is the only thing Shane hears upon waking up. Other than that, it’s scarily quiet. He rubs his eyes, groaning a bit, and glances around. Pounding on his head makes him wince when he turns to the side. He spots an IV hooked up to his body and faces forward again.

He realizes he’s unsure where the hell he is and murmurs a, “well shit.” So… What happened? Shane can’t recall many events in the moment, only remembering the information he had gathered about Rasmodius and his other memory of seeing an old man. He tries to piece together how he got here, but can’t make sense of anything since his mind is still foggy.

The door opens and a woman walks in, greeting Shane when she realizes he’s awake. “Oh, hey, you’re awake! How are you feeling?” 

After seeing the woman and becoming more conscious, he comes to the realization he’s in a hospital room. “My head hurts… I don’t remember how I got here.”

She nods. “I’m sure we can give you medicine to help you with that. Do you remember your name? Age?”

“Yeah, I just don’t remember yesterday. I think it was yesterday, at least. Shane Anderson, 30.”

“Visiting hours are coming up. I was told a family member came in for you earlier. Would you be okay with visitors? They could talk to you about what happened if you’d like. ”

“Yeah. When will I be able to leave?”

“Within a couple of weeks. I can’t provide an exact date. Why don’t you rest more? Food can be brought to you.”

“Okay…” he agrees. She leaves the room after checking some of the equipment around him, leaving him in a slightly groggy and somewhat disoriented state. He decides he can’t sleep any longer, and so tries to piece together everything.

In the end, he ends up falling asleep.

  
  
  


Visiting hours come around after what feels like hours for Shane. Marnie shows up in his room and immediately gives him a gentle hug. “I’m so  _ so  _ glad you’re okay! When you fainted I- I thought maybe…”

“Don’t think about that,” he frowns. “I’m still alive. Think about that instead.

After she’s calmed down some, he finally asks the question plaguing his mind since he woke up. “What happened?”

She frowns. “What do you remember?”

“I remember Elle,” his heart hurts as he pictures them on the hill. “And she said, uh, that she wasn’t real.”

Marnie’s face wrinkles up with confusion. “What?”

“Anyway,” he continues. “I remember driving and stopping somewhere, but that’s it…”

“What do you mean she’s not real? You said that to me earlier as well.”

“I know you think I’ve gone crazy, but she’s not real. I can try to explain later, but for now, just tell me what happened.”

Though reluctant, Marnie nods. “Okay… Well you got home late and drunk. I tried to get you inside but realized you needed to go to the hospital. You’ve been in here since yesterday for alcoholic poisoning.”

“Fucking fantastic,” he sighs. “I wish Elle was here. I told her I thought I loved her, but she didn’t even reply.”

Marnie nods. “Shane, I think after you get home, we’re going to figure this out for real. With counseling. I can’t handle you being in the hospital again. Jas can’t either.”

Shane doesn’t reply, pain pestering his thoughts. He wonders how Jas has taken this. How worried Marnie and her have been. All because he was too weak to handle everything. “How’s Jas?”

“She’s confused why you’re in the hospital, so I just told her you were temporarily sick for now… She can’t know what actually happened…”

He nods, filled with shame he’s never quite felt before. Intense contempt at himself, different from his usual ‘I’m never going to do anything worthwhile’, but instead aching for him to say what will make Marnie happy. Screaming at him to say he’ll get help, for real this time, and that he was wrong to think a girl could make his problems go away. 

He stays silent.

  
  


Two weeks later, Shane leaves with his hospital bracelet as a trophy. The very first thing he does when he gets out is demand Marnie and him go get something to eat, his explanation being, “the hospital food there sucked ass. I need some real food before we go home, please.”

Marnie laughs at this, navigating through the streets of Zuzu City to find a decent place to eat. She finds a parking space near the first restaurant they find and head inside, taking an open booth.

As they look through the menu, Marnie asks her all the questions she’s saved until he’s out of the hospital. “How are you feeling?”

“Strange,” he admits. “Kind of… Glad, I think? Right now, everything is still foggy… I can’t really tell how I feel. All I’ve felt since waking up is boredom, shame, or relief.”

“That’s actually good to hear. You seem… In a lighter mood than I’m used to.”

“That could be meds for all we know,” he chuckles.

“So uh… What about getting help? How do you feel about that now?”

He pauses. “You know, it’s weird… I remember being so against it but… I don’t know now… I’m still…  _ Paranoid  _ we’ll be wasting time but…” Shane trails off as a waitress arrives with the drinks they had ordered. 

“But?” Marnie questions once the waitress heads off to another table.

“...I guess I can, you know, give it a try…”

He swears he never saw Marnie so happy in his life.

When the two of them get home, Jas wraps Shane into the tightest hug he’s ever received. He of course hugs back, but finds himself smiling at the sight of her.

He missed this, strangely enough.

He missed home.

Which he never thought would be possible; home is where his mistakes live. All the memories and regrets are either at the bar or here, but yet, he finds himself gazing around the house after letting go of Jas and taking everything in. 

God dammit, he missed everything here. Jas’ drawings stuck on the fridge, Marnie’s intensely organized desk space, the constant smell of cooking or baking in the air. 

What changed in him between the time he got drunk and now? There’s this overwhelming amount of… Nostalgia? Like all the memories that made this his home theirs are coming back to him. 

Needless to say, the memories flooding back attack him with emotion. 

“Shane! While you were gone, I made your room pretty!”

Oh no… What’s her definition of ‘pretty’? He smiles curiously. “What does that mean? What’d you do?”

“Come on!” she grabs his hand and pulls him towards his bedroom, opening up the door. To his surprise, the room is spotless. Dirty laundry doesn’t cover every inch of the floor, all his trash and bottles have been disposed of, and his dresser is organized. “Do you like it?”

He grins even harder, pleased by how neat everything looks. Has he ever seen his room in this state? “I love it, kiddo. I’ll try not to mess it up yet.”

Jas, pleased with the answer, gives him another hug, then dashes off to the kitchen. Shane walks into his room and lays down in his bed, sighing with exhaustion. After a few minutes, he takes off his hospital bracelet and stands back up, opening up the bottom dresser drawer to keep it as some sort of reminder of what happened. 

He doesn’t even know why he wants to keep it, to be honest, but he doesn’t have the heart to throw it away.

A note he doesn’t recall being in his dresser piques his curiosity. Shane takes the note and sits down on the floor, unfolding it carefully. 

_ “I love you too.” _

He smiles, tucking the note back into the drawer, and leans his head against the dresser. “Maybe my life is really changing now…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just throwing it out there I have no idea how hospitals work /despite my mom working in them/ so my best guess was research online. Whoopsie.  
> Also ohmygod we got to 2000 hits?? WHAT?!?! Bruh- I am blown away. I love you guys :'))  
> Hope you enjoyed! Remember the last two chapters are Thursday and Friday (and also I'll probably leave a sappy end of story a/n JFHDIJF)


	29. Chapter 29

Early the next day, Shane leaves earlier than usual to go to work.

Not for the reason it would have used to been, but rather he still has one thing to settle. That being with Rasmodius.

He leaves probably an hour earlier than normal, making sure he has the time to talk, and heads west towards the forest near the ranch. 

Shane takes a pepper popper from his pocket and snacks on the way, chuckling when he thinks about his kid self and the candy stash. Now pepper poppers are his new candy. 

A bittersweet smile hits his face as he passes the lake, the one he first met Elle at, and he’d be lying if he said she doesn’t still cause him pain. In fact, the only reason it probably hurts less is because everything in his world feels a little hazier still, a little surreal. And he has the note she wrote in his dresser. He thought receiving something like that would only hurt him, but it feels more like closure.

His thoughts move back onto Rasmodius when he spots the tower on a hill. When was this even built? Hopefully since Rasmodius lives there still - he thinks he does, at least -, it will be architecturally sound in contrast to its rotting appearance.

Shane continues up the overgrown hill and knocks on the door of the tower, unsure how exactly to get in. Would knocks be heard from all the way at the top? Does a tower have a doorbell?

He’s overcomplicating this. 

After a few moments, the door opens up, and a bearded man stares at him knowingly. He has wrinkles seemingly in every crevice of his face, along with a thin gray head of hair. “Ah, Shane. I knew you’d come around one of these days.”

“I figured it out.”

“I’m assuming it worked, then?”

“Seeming as I ended up falling in love with someone who was dead, yeah, I’d say so. Although I didn’t like being used as a little experiment because I was too dumb to understand what the hell was going on.”

“I understand your anger, but you don’t seem to understand what great news this is! I can help people communicate with lost loved ones in Pelican Town. Shane, thank you sincerely.”

Shane just shakes his head. “Why me? I was a scared little kid, and there were other kids you could have used instead. Besides, why couldn’t you have used, oh I don’t know, a volunteer?”

“Let me ask you something. Would you rather of not met the person you loved?”

“Well-” he pauses. “I mean, no, I guess… Because I’m no longer stuck in the same routine… But still, it’s the whole taking advantage of kids when they don’t understand that’s bothering me. How many other kids have been part of an experiment without knowing, huh?”

“Only you. The other kids don’t come around here. And see - now you don’t even have a mutual understanding that you were helping me.”

“Jas does. If she ever becomes a test subject, you’ll regret it,” he threatens. “I don’t want her to  _ ever  _ feel how I do. And we don’t have a mutual understanding anymore because I’m not a stupid kid. You’re really fucked up, aren’t you? I’m sure there’s people who’d be willing to actually volunteer so they can see loved ones.”

“Are you done here? I have more important things to do, now that I know for sure it worked. Wait - how did it feel? To see the dead?”

“Oh, sorry, it seems I have to go,” he grins. “Maybe you can try it for yourself.”

Rasmodius scowls, shutting the door as Shane heads off. He feels lighter now, probably lighter than he’s ever felt before. He breathes the fresh air of hope. 

Shane’s going to get help.

Shane’s figured out Elle.

And maybe one day he’ll even figure out himself.

Of course he’s still terrified this will all be for nothing, but while his life still feels surreal, maybe he can milk the hope for all it’s worth.

  
  
  
  


Shane gets home that evening after work to have dinner with his family, a luxury considering usually he’d miss out on it. Marnie has made pizza, one of Shane’s favorites, in celebration of him coming back home safely. 

“It was boring at school today,” Jas complains as they eat. “We had no fun work. Just worksheets to fill out. But at lunch I made a new friend!”

“You did?” Shane asks, remembering a while ago when she was scared she wouldn't make any new friends. “Who?”

“His name is Elijah! He’s a new kid and we played tag together.”

He smiles at her. “I told you that you’d make at least a friend!”

She grins back. “Yeah, you were right!”

The phone ringing interrupts their conversation, so Marnie heads out of the room to answer it. Shane decides to tease Jas like she had done the day at the lake she asked about Elle. He leans towards Jas and quietly asks, “so, is he cute?”

Jas punches him in the arm, making him laugh. “Shut up!”

“So he is, then?” 

Jas shakes her head, smiling and avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know. He’s fun.”

“That’s payback for all the times you’ve teased me about Elle,” he smiles. He regrets mentioning it as soon as she speaks again.

“Where is she?”

“What?’

“I heard you said goodbye to her before you got sick,” she explains.

“Oh, yeah, uh, she left. But I’ll be fine, kid,” he finds his face falling a tiny bit, his stomach suddenly attacked with a few drops of sadness. Jas notices his frown and nods her head, staying silent until Marnie returns to the table.

“Okay, Jas, that was for you. Vincent wanted to know if you could come over for a while today. Do you want to go?”

Jas smiles, nodding. “I’m done eating anyways.”

“Be back before bedtime!” Marnie waves as she skitters off. She sits back down at the table, her plate empty, and faces Shane. “Alright, hun. It’s time we talk about everything.”

He nods, pushing his half eaten plate aside.

“So, I’ve been thinking about it since you said it the day you over drank. What did you mean by Elle not being real?”

He chuckles. “I’m going to sound fucking insane.”

“I mean, I have never seen her. Neither has Jas. Only you. Like that time we were in Zuzu and you claimed you saw her.”

“She’s… A ghost, I guess,” he tells her, but the term ‘ghost’ feels awkward.

“A ghost?”

“Told you I’d sound insane.”

“How do you know she’s a ‘ghost’?”

Where does he even start? As thoughts of her come to him, he finds a small ache in his heart forming. Worsening as he goes on.“Well, I have things pointing towards her being a ghost, and then proof. For one, nobody but me saw her. Always found a way of avoiding personal questions. She insisted on me not driving her home… Ugh.”

“What about the solid proof?”

“Well, for one she told me that night. And said we shouldn’t see each other anymore since it could never work out…”  _ Ouch.  _ The memory of her lips, her voice, it all hurts so damn much now that he can’t avoid it. “And… In the hospital, I had a dream, or I guess a flashback to being led to Rasmodius. He gave me something that could let me see spirits, the dead, I don’t know what to call it. Today I left early for work and stopped there, and he admitted he did it.”

“What the hell?!” Marnie stands up, scowling. “Rasmodius gave you something? How old were you?! That sounds pretty illegal of him.”

“I don’t know. I was young, though. Still carried candy in my pocket.”

“And you’re sure this really happened?”

He nods. “When I answered the door, he knew why I was there.”

“I’ll kill him!” she suddenly yells. “How dare he! He - he knew that he could trick you! Why didn’t you ever tell me?!”

“For one, I thought I was just helping him. And I eventually forgot about it until a couple of days ago. I also had another memory of me hiding under the bed. I saw a farmer that recently died, and kept screaming about it, but you never saw anything.”

Her face falls and she leans her hands on the table, somewhat hunching over it. “I remember that. I thought it was either a nightmare or something was wrong with you.”

He nods. “Why did you never get me help when I was younger? I hid all the time and ate candy to destress. Talked about seeing things that weren’t there.”

“I…” she looks like she’s about to cry, her eyes watering. “I guess I was scared, and you didn’t want to go, so I didn’t make you… I’m not the strongest with forcing you to do things, even now… Speaking of which…”

He sighs. “I knew it was coming eventually. I won’t put up a fight, I’ll go.”

“What do you want to do? Or what do you think you’ll need?”

“I’d imagine some antidepressants or something. I don’t know.”

“What about a therapist?”

“I guess I’ll try that too… Are you sure? A therapist is a lot of money…”

“Shane,” Marnie walks over to stand beside him, putting an arm on his shoulder. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life better. To make you feel better. I’ve said it before and I still mean it.”

He stands up and gives her a hug, and she hugs back. It’s the same type of hug he craves for; full of love and compassion. The hugs he almost never gets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here you go! I didn't proofread woops  
> Merry Christmas Eve!   
> Tomorrow is the epilogue.... Then it's over :')


	30. Chapter 30 - Epilogue

_ A Year Later... _

Shane Anderson leaves work at 4 pm, excitement bubbling in his stomach. Not just excitement, but a strong sense of nervousness as well. He drives away from the building in Zuzu City, pride gleaming in his eyes as he thinks about how he moved away from his deadend job at Joja Mart, and even is a little excited to get to work sometimes.

He drives past the bustling city, blasting the classic rock radio and drumming his fingers along on the steering wheel to the intricate beat. It’s not accurate, but that doesn’t really matter.

What matters is he’s going to not only go on a date for the first time in a year, but it’s with his closest coworker, April. Someone he’s felt has been charming since day one… And of course, she's quite beautiful.

It’s a goddamn miracle she asked him out on a date; she found him crying in his car on the first week of work there and came to his comfort. Instead of saying she understood, or he should man up, all she did was let him rant and rant. About how scared he was over his life really changing, and how he was scared this will all come down to meaning nothing. That he’ll just return back to a deadend job and alcohol anyways.

He was weak, ranting to a practical stranger. At least he thought he was. But yet, he’s felt he’s getting a bit stronger day by day. And hey, he has a date tonight!

Of course, Shane has to make a stop before meeting up with her, one that will be the final goodbye to the alcoholic chapter of his life. It took a year to get to this point, and for once, he feels like he can say something good about himself and not scrape from the bottom of the barrel.

He’s dug through Hell, lived in it for a good portion of his life, and yet he’s made it; he’s made Marnie proud. Hell, he’s even been friendlier with the people in Pelican Town, not that he’s exactly broken from his antisocial shell, nor that he ever will. 

Shane parks his car near a familiar field, shutting the door and heading up the hill. He lays on the grass at the highest point of the hill, staring up at the blue sky. “Elle. I can’t be here too long, but I did want to tell you something.”

The rustle of grass is confirmation she’s here, and he watches as she sits down next to him. She’s still as radiant as she was when they first met more than a year ago, her blonde hair shining against the rays of the sun. “Hey, Shane. Bad day or good one?”

He smiles at her voice. He’s visited her before, usually on his worst days, but never too often. He didn’t want to make a habit out of her again. “Good. I wanted to tell you that… I’m going on a date tonight. And I think I’m ready to say goodbye.”

She nods, her face falling slightly before she throws on a smile. “That’s great! That’s really great!”

“I can tell you’re sad about it, but it’s going to be okay. Think of it as a win. I’m alive. I’ve been sober for a year, or at least around one… I’m getting help. I never thought I’d make it this far… But you’re the last part of my old life, and I need to let you go too...”

“No, I-I get it!” Elle forces another smile. “I just, I get lonely without you… But I know this is for the best.” She takes his hand in hers and squeezes it tightly.

“...But I want you to know that you made me feel fucking fantastic when we spent time together. I wish it could have worked out, you and me. And since it can’t, I need to focus on the next part of my life.”

She nods. “Yeah. Just- if you ever get worse again, I’ll be here. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” he sits up and looks her in the eyes, the ones he’s memorized even to this day. “Well, this is goodbye. For real.”

The two of them stand up and Shane gives her a hug, her cold arms wrapping around him. They stay in the embrace for a few extra seconds than normal, memories passing through them both as they savor their last moments together.

When they let go, Shane takes her face in his hands and gives her a kiss on the lips, a sweet and short one, then he lets go and gives one last smile. She smiles back, her dimples showing, and waves. “Good luck. I hope you find someone.”

As he turns away, she speaks again. “And Shane? I love you. I never said it back when I should have a long time ago, even though I wrote it down. You don’t have to say it back, considering you’re about to go on a date.”

Shane pauses, unsure how to reply. He did love her, there’s no denying that. But does he still? Is it possible to love someone you’re about to lose and go on a date the very same day?

“I love you too. Goodbye, Elle.”

  
  
  
  


Shane arrives home an hour before he’s supposed to meet up with April. He heads inside and earns a greeting from Marnie. “Hey, Shane! How’d it go today?”

“Pretty great! I have a date tonight with a coworker. You’ve talked to her briefly. April?”

“Oh, I remember her,” Marnie smiles, her head lifting from the papers she holds. “She was really sweet. I’m glad you two are going on one.”

“Marnie approved?”

“Yep,” she chuckles. “Go get dressed! I’ll make sure you don’t embarrass yourself tonight with wardrobe choices.”

He rolls his eyes, giving Marnie a side hug, then heads off to his room. It’s not clean per say, but it’s definitely not dirty in there; no dishes aligning the dresser, a few clothes barely sticking out of a drawer, and a full trash can. There’s some miscellaneous crumbs on the floor, but other than that, nothing of note. The cleanest he’s ever kept his room, at least.

Shane heads to the bathroom and takes out a bottle of pills, his prescribed antidepressants. He swallows a dose down dry, then walks back to his room and to the closet.

He settles on a button up shirt and black jeans, knowing April doesn’t dress too fancy either, not even for formal work events, then takes off his work shirt.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he strangely doesn’t have as strong as an urge to look away. He’s not skinny by any means, but god damn, it feels like he has lost some serious weight and maybe even… Looks halfway decent?

This is a new revelation for him, and it makes him smile. Shane remembers the times he’s wanted to hurt himself for the weight piled onto his body, or throw up at the very sight of his fat rolls… But fuck, he can actually look at himself right now.

After dressing and getting a thumbs up from Marnie, Shane takes a quick stop at Jas’ room to check in. He finds her sitting at her small desk, writing and furiously erasing right after. She sighs, jumping at Shane’s footsteps. “Hey, kiddo. I’ve got to go soon, but I’m just checking up on you.”

Jas smiles as he kneels down next to her. English homework, it seems. A story?

“What’s that?”

“I have to write an essay about my family.”

“Make sure not to leave out how great I am,” he ruffles her hair playfully.

“I’ll make sure to not leave out how I’ve heard you sing in the shower, then. You have a lovely voice, by the way.”

Shane flicks her lightly on the head with his fingers. “Absolutely not. What happens in the shower,  _ stays  _ in the shower.”

She smiles, changing the subject. “You seem happy.”

“I am, kid. Today’s a good day. I'm going on a date."

" _ Ooooh!  _ Is she pretty?"

He shakes his head, smiling. " _ Ahem... _ Maybe you can meet her. Speaking of which, I've got to go." 

"Have fun!" Jas waves, turning back to her desk. Shane plants a kiss on her head and walks out of the room, a small bounce in his step. It’s time.

  
  
  


April waits for Shane at the bus stop in Zuzu, though both of them had taken a car. Honestly, neither of them made any plans other than going on a date, so they don’t know where the hell the night will lead them. 

Shane only knows April, for whatever reason, asked him out  _ and  _ she looks adorable this evening. Her normally tied back hair is free in curls going down to her shoulders, and she wears a semi formal outfit of a jean jacket, striped shirt, and black jeans. Suddenly, Shane feels way out of his league, anxiety building in his chest.

Don’t fuck this up, Shane, this is your first date in more than a year. Don’t be a dumbass. 

“Shane!” April calls as he approaches.

“Hey!” he waves back, immediately using the other hand to mess with his hair. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t ruin your shot at a second date.

To his surprise, April gives him a hug, then smiles. She has no dimples, but freckles sprinkle her cheeks and nose, as well as glasses sitting on her face. “How’re you? I’m not the only one nervous, right?”

He laughs, feeling weights leave his chest. April could sense that he was panicking a mile away. “Oh, I’m terrified.”

“Me too. I haven’t been on a date in so long, like, what the hell do we even do?”

“Well, for one, we didn’t plan anything other than where to meet up. I wasn’t sure if I should eat or not.”

She smiles at him again, shaking her head. “We’re so bad at this. Anyways, I’m hungry, are you?”

“Yeah, I’d like to eat. No awkward dinner small talk, please.”

“No promises. Come on, I know a place.”

Once again, Shane is taken aback when April gently holds his hand, but he doesn’t pull away. He even squeezes her hand to ensure this is reality, that someone is interested in him. That April is even real. 

He can’t have nice things, can he?

When they stop at a restaurant, and she actually interacts with the waitress and freely jokes without a care in the world, he knows two things; she’s real and he’s allowed to not get in his own way.

  
  
  


“Well, I had a good time tonight,” April says when they stop near Shane’s car. “I can barely believe you’re the same person you talked about being such a mess over a year ago, really. It seems like you’ve grown a lot.”

Shane shrugs, grinning, his hands shoved into his pockets. “That’s probably the best compliment I’ve ever received.” A foreign feeling in his chest has been getting stronger all night, one he hasn’t felt since… Well, since Elle. Nervousness, excitement, but the feelings are laced to a person, and that’s what makes the difference. It’s at its strongest at her compliment, because god dammit, he’s so proud.

“Oh yeah? So, does that mean I won a second date?”

“You make it sound like you’re the one who’s lucky. If anything, I should be asking if I won a second date.”

“You did… So, here,” April takes out her phone and allows Shane to give her his number. 

On the way home, Shane is close to genuine tears. Not angry or sad tears, but tears of happiness. He can’t stop smiling, and honestly it’s starting to make his face ache, but it all hits him so hard.

It’s been a year and he’s fucking made it. He’s gotten better, gotten help. It’s not like his depression is gone by any means, or he never wants a drink, but rather he can fight it without using everyone around him. Without hurting people who care. And someone not only likes him, but noticed his growth.

Shane feels in this moment so goddamn happy when he pulls into the driveway, wiping away a stray happy tear. He heads inside and finds Marnie in the kitchen, who straight away notices his reddened eyes. “Shane? Did it not go well?”

“It went great,” he tells her, no traces of sarcasm in his voice. “I just- I don’t know. It hit me in the car, you know? That this is all real.”

Marnie stands up and approaches him. “Oh, Shane…”

“And for once I’m not trying to convince myself I don’t deserve it…” he continues, a genuine smile breaking his face to contrast his sobbing. Marnie wraps him into a hug as he cries. “I just-”

“I’m proud of you. We all are. I couldn't ask for a better nephew.”

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... That's the end. I'm kind of speechless right now, lmao, but yes.   
> So, to me, Elle was never meant to "be" with Shane, but rather she was going to be a wake up call for him. Hence why in the end Shane went on a date with his co-worker. And now, Shane isn't solely dependent on her, so he could say goodbye.  
> Honestly, I'm beyond amazed at all the love I received for this. I originally was going to delete it off of A03, but I'm so glad I didn't. So, thank you guys so much. This is probably one of my favorite stories I've written, and gosh, I'm always so excited to post a chapter and see comments.  
> I'm reeealllyy bad at expressing myself, but just know, you guys helped my confidence, and this story also reminded me why I love writing since before it I had no ideas for stories I wanted to actually do.  
> I don't know if I'll write another SDV fanfiction, I probably will, but I'm working on something else that won't go on A03 right now.   
> Merry Christmas! :)


End file.
